Advice Please :)

Naaaaawfolk

Hi everyone,

I was hoping you wonderful people may be able to offer some advice - financial as well as relationship :-)

So the story is that my gf and I have been together 4 years and saving for a deposit. We both live with our parents so that we can save as much as possible. We have been saving for 3 years. We decided to split the saving based on our salary - I earn more therefore I will save the larger share of the deposit. So after these 3 years of thinking my gf was saving hard like me it turns out she has saved the whopping total of £3000 compared to my £19,000. To put that into perspective, I earn around £23k she earns £17k.
Obviously I'm really angry and disappointed by this although she thinks I'm being unfair. I hate living at home and have only done so in order to be able to buy our own place. Although she says she really does want to buy she has no problem living at home as she is very close with her mum and dad.

So I have a few options:
1. continue as we are, living at home and continuing to save.
2. we rent together while saving
3. I accept the fact that I've done most of the saving and continue to buy in the near future.
4. I rent on my own and stop saving while my gf catches up with her share. I can afford to rent but wont have much left to save.

Although I love her and want to live with her, option 4 may give her the kick she needs.

Strange post I know, but what do you think?

G_M

I think you want to buy somewhere and she only half-heartedly wants to.

Are you sure you are compatible and want the same things from the relationship?

If, despite the answer, you want to live with her, I suggest you either

1) rent together (and work out a fair way to split the rent/bills!) or
2) YOU buy somewhere, and invite her to move in/share with you as a lodger at whatever the going rate is for lodgers in the area

The 3rd option is to buy together, but to split the property ownership 70/30 (or whatever) to reflect the relative contributions you are each making to the purchase (AND to the ongoing mortgage payments)

motherofstudents

I agree with GM, it seems she is much less motivated to save than you are. I would therefore not do anything you might regret. I would possibly try the rental route to start with so that you can try living together and see how that works out first.

I think if you go ahead and buy but with you providing most of the deposit, it may result in you feeling resentment towards her even though you can make sure it is all done legally so that you don't lose out financially.

SuzieSue

I think you're being a bit unfair on your gf. You earn quite a bit more than her and after tax, your net pay is around £350 per month more than hers.

So, assuming that you have similar outgoings, you should be able to save £4,200 per year more than her without even trying, which is £12,600 over the 3 years. As she has saved £3,000 on her lower salary, then you have saved just over £1,000 a year more than her.

Yes, she could probably save a bit more, but as GM says, it looks like you want to save more than she does at the moment and until she decides she wants to, there is not much you can do about it.

Pansy_Potter

Forget it! If you are struggling with trust issues at this stage in your relationship it is clearly going nowhere...

Wicked_witch

Definitely rent. You can each put up an equal share of the deposit and first month's rent, about £1000 each? Then if it works out, you can get a joint account and decide how much to save as a couple for a house deposit to add to what you'll still have in the bank. Maybe you could put the remainder from both your savings into the same high yield savings account? Then if you do decide to part company, you'll both have a small profit rather than a loss.

summerholiday

What comes to my mind are:

1. You as a couple have not been reviewing the saving together or she has been hiding it from you.

2. Women tend to buy more clothes than men, particularly when young and it is important to look attractive at work etc. She may not have felt able to talk to you about this.

3. The fundamental difference is your attitudes towards a shared goal; you have been careful and she has not been. Think of the problems should you have children and she spends on a credit card/s behind your back and you find this out too late? Maturity with money is shown by being able to defer having something now rather than wait by saving.

4. I would also check with her how she has been spending/saving in comparison to you as this can be a strong indicator of your future together. And check for similarities and differences in this regard.

5. Were you intending to marry, if so that may have put the relationship on a firmer basis for the future and your shared intents. Unusual for someone to prefer staying at home with parents rather than becoming independent.

6. As you are both living at home this the cheapest way to save and in your position would not rent but save further - (well done) - for a deposit on a property. Ps I think you could save more per annum

G_M

Just to add to summerholiday above...

Buying a property together is in practice a far bigger, more complex, commitment than getting married.

If you're not ready for one, are you ready for the other.......?

happycamel_2

I absolutely agree with other posters. Owning a house with someone is a huge commitment if you have negative equity you may not be able to end it when you want to, or if one of you doesn't agree to sell. In comparison, divorce is relatively easy in terms of timing and self determination.

I can't imagine how you've gone three years and only discovered this now. My recipe for a happy marriage is:
1) rent together
2) get married
3) buy a house that is joint
4) have kids

Check at every stage that you have common goals and approaches, are happy and couldn't imagine living in any other way.

I had a really lucky escape, 3 years with a guy which I spent thinking we were perfect but he'd agree with me to my face and then do his own thing. Thank God, I came to my senses and am now very happily married to someone I trust completely and with whom I agree on just about everything. I'd try living with her in a rented house for at least a year to check that you really are both ok with all the responsibilities of living together, might be the best money you ever spent.

That or buy on your own and charge her rent (you can use the rent a room scheme to do this tax free) or do it informally ie she puts more in a bills account than you do. I think jumping in to owning together at this stage sounds incredibly risky.

Good luck

dimbo61

My granny always said "if you want to get to know me come and live with me"
So if you are happy with each other then rent a cheap property together for 12 months and see how you cope.

summerholiday

happycamel wrote: »

I absolutely agree with other posters. Owning a house with someone is a huge commitment if you have negative equity you may not be able to end it when you want to, or if one of you doesn't agree to sell. In comparison, divorce is relatively easy in terms of timing and self determination.

I can't imagine how you've gone three years and only discovered this now. My recipe for a happy marriage is:
1) rent together
2) get married
3) buy a house that is joint
4) have kids

Check at every stage that you have common goals and approaches, are happy and couldn't imagine living in any other way.

I had a really lucky escape, 3 years with a guy which I spent thinking we were perfect but he'd agree with me to my face and then do his own thing. Thank God, I came to my senses and am now very happily married to someone I trust completely and with whom I agree on just about everything. I'd try living with her in a rented house for at least a year to check that you really are both ok with all the responsibilities of living together, might be the best money you ever spent.

That or buy on your own and charge her rent (you can use the rent a room scheme to do this tax free) or do it informally ie she puts more in a bills account than you do. I think jumping in to owning together at this stage sounds incredibly risky.

Good luck

Oh Happycamel I was led to believe from a book - title forgotten now that way to test for an ideal partner (though Gawd, I messed up a few times) was to arrive at the airport without passport or ticket and watch the OH handle the problem. Did they have a nervous breakdown, expect you to deal with it or not? Or to see how they react with a flight delay etc? HaHa.