Boyfriend ... Depression... advice needed

tinkerbell73

Hi its been ages since i have posted on here but here goes (excuse the length i just need to get it all out of my system )

I am single mum of 3 great kids ex husband a nightmare alcoholic and very unreilable we split 4 years ago divorced 3 years ago. I was happily going along as a single parent just about managing finanically and life was ok when last year i met a man who swept me off my feet. He was everything my ex husband wasnt - kind considerate, worked, liked the same stuff as me, got on amazingly well with my children but he wasnt long spilt with his ex wife however he told me it was finished and had been for years the divorce was underway and we started dating in the Feb 2011 by May 2011 we were talking about moving in together (he lived 90 miles away and worked 60 away so he wanted to move down here as my kids lives are where i live)

So a friend of mine had a house big enough to rent 10 miles away from where i lived big enough for us and and his 2 teenage boys to visit - nearer to his work and i didnt mind commuting the kids around. So in October (2 months after his divorce came through) we moved had the most amazing 40th birthday for him and the best christmas ever. He was a bit down new year but i put it down to reality hitting a bit and he had told me new year wasnt good for him. We then had a great life could have what we wanted went away at easter, went camping with the kids and had a life i had always dreamed off - we talked (or so i thought ) we had fun we went out for meals and just enjoyed ourselves.

In June he suddenly announced it was too much for him we werent tidy enough (he is slightly ocd and i am the opposite but had told him all along and as he hadnt said anything i assumed it was ok) i found out then it wasnt but we talked for 2 days and decided it could be changed so we carried on as before - i was soo happy :-) as were the kids (who adore him)

His job was driving alot of miles and he was exhausted in the week but he never said it was too much or he had any problems .

Had an amazing summer - took the kids camping (his and mine to france and disney) and then august bank holiday monday he was very odd (blank behid the eyes) I asked a question about his ex wife and he started packing and left - i was devestated.

He moved to his ex inlaws were his boys and the ex lived and for 3 weeks he talked to me on a daily baisis for hours but told me he couldnt cope with the house (very dark place) even though he had the best year of his life (weekends and holidaysbut the daily pressure of work and commuting and living there was too much) and his depression that he had suffered with previously had taken hold. one day 3 weeks in he told me he was retrying with ex (even though she was pining for the bf she had recently left) and we had a huge argument and he finally wentto the docters and was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. After about 2 weeks on the tablets he realised there was nothing with the ex wife and he needed to get out so i helped find him a place of his own (in the meantime i had found a place for me and the kids )

He came to me and said he has feelings for me and loves the kids as his own but he is worried about letting us down and needed time on his own to sort his head (that was a month ago ) we have since spent most weekends together as friends he helped me move,we hug alot but i have said nothing else happens until he knows what he really wants , we talk daily, he has photographs on the wall of us all and has asked us to spend christmas with him.

I love him soo much (he is my soulmate, we met by chance and everything just clicked together) and understand alot of what has happened has been down to the depression but do i wait or am i holding out for something that is never going to happen :-( it is sending me mad. If anyone else has experience of bad depression and dating someone with it i would love to hear your views. When we are together it is easy and not forced and just like it has always been - sometimes i think was it all too easy ??

Pee

I think depression, which I have only ever experienced very mildly, is such an overwhelming and difficult experience.

Part of me thinks that he is messing you about, but most of me thinks depression could do this.

Plus you seem quite able to define the problems in your past with your ex, so if this guy was just being out of order, I think you would know it.

I don't know whether he can live with the depression again and be there for you, which leaves you in a very difficult position.

I do hope it all works out.

VestanPance

A very un-PC point of view but I'm surprised at the amount of people that get involved with folk who have depression or a history of it. Any time I've viewed that sort of situation it has slowly destroyed the lives of those with them.

I wish you the best, but make sure to take care of you and your children as first priority.

podperson

I appreciate that depression can drastically affect a person's decisions (have had some experience with it). What is he doing for it at the moment - is he still on the tablets, is he getting any kind of therapy with them? Obviously serious depression isn't something that can just be 'got over' but at the moment you're stuck in limbo while he can't decide whether he wants to/is capable of committing to a future with you.

To be honest, I would be backing away entirely for the moment. If he says he needs 'space' then give him complete space to work out what he wants. At the moment he's getting the 'family life' at weekends but not having to put any effort in during the week. If it was just you then I might say that was your choice to wait for him to try and get over things a bit more but you have 3 kids involved - that you say adore him and must be rather confused now as he was living them in a father figure role, then moved out completely and now is 'sort of' back but not really - and I think spending a family style Christmas is only going to be more confusing if he then decides he doesn't want to commit to that full time.

tinkerbell73

Thanks for your replies - to be honest until the last few months I didn't understand the implications of being with someone with depression he isn't the man I met at the moment and I want to help him get back to that place. Had I knew I would have done things lot differently :-(.

Currently he is waiting for counselling appointments and is currently on day and night antidepressants.

With regard the weekend family life that is what worries me :-( the children love him so much and what happens in 6 months he says he can't commit having given them the best year of their life so far - my eldest is 15 and understands the depression but it's hard to explain to a 12 and 7 yearold so he will become another male in their life that has let them down :-(

Errata

so he will become another male in their life that has let them down :-(

Perhaps you didn't know him well when you moved in together? Perhaps he's had episodes of depression for many years but didn't tell you?
I doubt he's become ill with the intention of 'letting your kids down', perhaps he didn't know his own mind when you got toghether.
It all seems very rushed - his divorce is finalised and he moves in with you; perhaps that was too much for him to cope with emotionally.
You say he's your soulmate, so treat him like a good friend and give him some space and time to get back on an even keel.

londonsurrey

I suffer from depression, and my experience is that people see what they want to see.

I'd had a harrowing assessment the day before, was rushing to my therapy session, and just stopped off quickly at a pharmacy for some cough medicine. So you get the picture - not only am a I depressive with chronic suicidal thoughts, I was at that moment in time stressed, ill and rushed.

The lady serving me complimented me on my waist long hair. I gave my standard stock smiling answer of "Don't go to the hairdresser" (they cut your hair - I don't go, therefore have long hair, easy).

She said that she couldn't, not at her age. I pointed out that we were probably about the same age, and said I was 41.

She was surprised, and said I looked 15 years younger, and it must be the life I'd led. I said I'd had an abusive childhood, and lost my husband very traumatically 3 years ago.

Oh, she said. Well, it must be my outlook in life then!
Oh yeah - my cheery outlook as a suicidal depressive. I didn't enlighten her, said my goodbyes and left.

People always think I'm so smiley and happy. I thought I was just being polite and saying "please" and "thank you" as appropriate!



Anyhow, if he's your soulmate, accept him as a whole person, with hangups and pre-existing conditions. He's not the fantasy Mr Perfect who will make you a Mummy and Daddy family. At least not just yet, and if he is, it will be years yet for him to truly sort himself out.

It's ok to accept him for the bits he can give, i.e. the good times you've had and maybe even more good times. He just can't provide it 24/7 full time, and accepting that he can't do it is to start to recognise the real him. At least he's being honest.

thelittlestranger

VestanPance wrote: »

A very un-PC point of view but I'm surprised at the amount of people that get involved with folk who have depression or a history of it. Any time I've viewed that sort of situation it has slowly destroyed the lives of those with them.

As a depression and severe anxiety sufferer - ouch!

Anyway OP, I would say that if this man is your soulmate, if you can't imagine life without him in it, I'd do whatever you need to do to be with him. Support him as much as you can. Yes, you need to live your own life and you have children to think of, but maybe he has never had the chance to talk about his mental health illnesses, and needs to find a way to manage his symptoms. Perhaps if you have the time you could sit down and have a chat and just ask what's going on? I know as a sufferer myself I would rather people just chat to me, and get to know why I act the way I do. It might also be worth doing a bit of research as to what support is available in his/your area with regards to mental health. I know where I live there's a meet up group (never attended it but know it exists) for people with anxiety, and there might be a branch of Mind near you. Mind are a fantastic organisation and they might be able to point you/him in the direction of help.

Sorry if it's not much help, but as an anxiety and depression sufferer I had to reply. Despite how bad I've been sometimes, I have an amazing OH, have been with him 5 years and planning on getting married next year, so it can work. PM me if you ever need to xxx

System

VestanPance wrote: »

A very un-PC point of view but I'm surprised at the amount of people that get involved with folk who have depression or a history of it. Any time I've viewed that sort of situation it has slowly destroyed the lives of those with them.

I wish you the best, but make sure to take care of you and your children as first priority.

Maybe its because some people CAN get better and don't deserve to be written off :mad:

System

I'd give him some space and leave him to do the contacting.

dragonette

Oh OP sounds like a lot to deal with, it will be a lot of work but could be so worthwhile
My OH has major/severe depression and is occassionally suicidal. He is also in chronic pain and has recently been diagnosed with a chronic condition as well. To all intents and purposes I can without warning become a carer required 24 hrs a day though these episodes are shortlived. Yet we love each other, our relationship is happy and living together makes me feel complete. Its blo0dy hard work at times but we get through it together. We haven't found any meds that suit him and our area is difficult to get counselling without being medicated. So I'm partner and counseller. Difficult but rewarding

I think the main difference is that you have children and we don't - though I wouldn't assume that the 12 year old isn't able to understand a little bit about depression. A few points I would try to consider would be - does the depression relate to a specific event or has it hit him out of the blue? This affects which treatment is likely to be effective. How long has he been on the current meds and do they suit him? There are many types of anti-depressants and everyone reacts differently to them. These aren't questions you need to answer here, just things to be aware of.

VestanPance - people with depression are still people with thoughts and feelings. Saying they destroy other's lives is a good way to destroy any hope of either stabilisation or recovery. Depression can ruin lives but it can also be dealt with to allow a happy, fulfilling life.