Oh still doesnt get it!

notanothernewbie

Thanks everyone. No the £45k has not been ammassed since the remortgage, it was what was left. Due to severe mental health issues at that time I was not well enough to delve into exactly how it had come about, he has always denied gambling, drugs, drink etc.
Latterly it just seems to be interest and charges going on each month nothing that is being bought, if that makes sense.
After the remortgage, I tightened everything I could managing to clear all my credit cards and a loan and even accumulate some savings in order to "fireproof" myself and the children. He has not been prepared to change, as an example all mine and the childrens clothes come from Mr. T or Primck. He gets his suits from Burtons/Next. So although I have made what changes I can, he has not been prepared to.
Scotslass, I did say I would help him sort it out, but this time would not be enjoined in paying it.

castortroy28

hi there Notanothernewbie,

I think that it has come to an impass here. You really need to know why he has spent the money. The only reason why I say is because I am a recovering gambler who knows the tell tale signs of these things.

I am nearly debt free now and have scaled back what I gamble but unless you really know whats going on, even when he has paid back all the debts there is a chance that he could run up that debt again.

happycamel_2

I'm afraid I agree with Firewyrm this is a controlling, angry man. Domestic abuse isn't always physical violence. Please talk to Women's Aid or a similar organisation. If he sees that you're prepared to walk away he might realise how serious this is. You at least need a plan to look after your kids if it does get as far as charging orders, bankruptcy etc.

blueneleh

Hi,

Your situation sounds a little like mine a few years ago.
Unfortunately I can't really help with the financial side of things as I didn't have a mortgage or children but your relationship sounds similar.

My ex-husband racked up a huge amount of debts over the years we were together and I could never really get to the bottom of why. I came on this site a lot asking for advice but could not take this on without his co-operation. He was always evasive of questions asked and would say he would sort it out but never did. Over time I ended up with large debts too due to trying to help him out (he'd promise to pay me back or pay the monthly payments but never did) and in the end it got so bad we ended up with no money for food or petrol on pay day (despite having a fairly good income).

I eventually came to my senses and left. It wasn't an easy decision to make (and I imagine with children it is even harder) but looking back now it was the best decision I ever made and I shudder to think where we would have been if I'd stayed. Like other posts have said, I realised that it was emotional and financial abuse from my OH and he had little respect for me at all to have put me in that position (although I also understand I let myself be put in it) and to spend my money with no second thought, putting himself first all the time. I was blinkered at the time but not anymore!
I have now paid all of my debts off, am in control of my money, am in a very happy, secure relationship and the weight has just been lifted off of me.

I suppose the point of this post is just to say please look at yourself and your own mental health and what is best for you rather than be putting your OH first. You won't be able to sort out your current financial situation without OH's co-operation and it sounds like he is not going to give you this.

HTH, sorry if you feel I am talking out of turn.

notanothernewbie

Many thanks for sharing that Blueneleh, I certainly don't think you are talking out of turn. I have filled in the CCCS on line remedy and they are recommending a DMP. Only prob new is to get OH to agree!!

It looks like the account which was with Cougar, has now been passed to AIC, don't know wheterh that is a good or bad thing.

As far as rehousing goes, because our house i jointly owned and I have some savings, they would only help out if I was actually and not intentionally homeless, and that would be a Refuge. I have enough put by to privately rent somewhere and pay a deposit, should the need arise, I would ensure that my name was taken off all the utilities before leaving though. Leaving would be a lst resort though as it would have implications for my job as I work shifts.

Fae

I can add any constructive to the good advice that has already been given, I just wanted to say that I feel for you, and hope that you are able to find a solution for you and your children soon.

Fae

ladybez

That could so easily have been me posting. MyOH also ran up a large amount of debt and could not account for it. It is now being repaid slowly. One piece of advice I would give you is to have all important documents, ie passports, birth certificates, medical cards in one place, so that if you are forced to leave at short notice, you can just grab them quickly.
I do feel for you and hope you can resolve this.
Keep posting.x

notanothernewbie

SOA looks frightening. The outgoings quoted are for a half of everything, I pay the other half. The mobile phones are for 4 contract phones, 3 for children one for OH. There is no amount inserted for car tax, insurance or maintenance as the car is a lease car.
Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet
Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 3
Number of children in household......... 3
Number of cars owned.................... 3
Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 2400
Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
Benefits................................ 0
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 2400
Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 452
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
Rent.................................... 0
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 70
Electricity............................. 50
Gas..................................... 50
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 25
Telephone (land line)................... 23
Mobile phone............................ 50
TV Licence.............................. 6
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 11
Internet Services....................... 0
Groceries etc. ......................... 300
Clothing................................ 50
Petrol/diesel........................... 250
Road tax................................ 0
Car Insurance........................... 0
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0
Car parking............................. 10
Other travel............................ 35
Childcare/nursery....................... 120
Other child related expenses............ 25
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 11
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 15
Contents insurance...................... 8
Life assurance ......................... 15
Other insurance......................... 38
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 10
Haircuts................................ 8
Entertainment........................... 50
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 0
Total monthly expenses.................. 1682

Assets
Cash.................................... 0
House value (Gross)..................... 138000
Shares and bonds........................ 100
Car(s).................................. 0
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 138100

Secured & HP Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Mortgage...................... 118000...(452)......4.24
Total secured & HP debts...... 118000....-.........-
Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Amex (with aci)................4002......98........0
Cap 1 (with frederick..........15096.....480.......0
Ltsb...........................3768......107.......0
ltsb od........................500.......0.........0
ltsb loan......................11800.....288.......0
creation.......................2916......132.......0
santander......................1373......68........0
rbs............................3844......169.......0
Total unsecured debts..........43299.....1342......-

Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 2,400
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,682
Available for debt repayments........... 718
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 1,342
Amount short for making debt repayments. -624
Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 138,100
Total HP & Secured debt................. -118,000
Total Unsecured debt.................... -43,299
Net Assets.............................. -23,199
Created using the SOA calculator at www.stoozing.com.
Reproduced on Moneysavingexpert with permission, using IE browser.

chevalier

So just to clarify, this means you spend 600 a month on groceries? And nearly 500 on petrol? That is an awful lot.

Sorry to bring this up, but if he is wracking up this debt and can't account for it then is he spending it on someone else?

I think that you need to lay it on the line to him. That he has until x date to sort this eg 1st January? Or something? And if he hasn't made a SERIOUS effort by then, then you will be leaving. And then do it. Your aren't living your are existing. You deserve better than this.
chev

notanothernewbie

Thanks Chev. Yes groceries are about £600 per month. My petrol is much less than OH's, I probably spend about £120 per month.

Most of his debt was wracked up over 4 years ago, latterly only interest and charges are going onto the accounts, so I don't think there is anyone else involved.

I like the idea of an ultimatum, although I would rather sstay in the house as uprooting the kids would have implications for their schooling, plus renting a house big enough for 5 of us would probably cost as much as the mortgage on here, although I have some money set aside, just in case.

I would rather he woke up and acknowledged what is going on, that is the biggest problem!