World is falling apart around me :(

iksbedd

I’ve completely lost my zest for life; I used to be a happy person, with lots to look forward to and used to enjoy doing new things. I had ambition and motivation but now I feel as if I “go through the motions” day to day. Life seems to have been drained away from me.

I don’t know if this is just how life is, or whether I need to see a doctor about depression.

My dad passed away about a month ago, after a 6 week battle/deterioration with terminal cancer. It such a shock; just so quick. I moved 180 miles away from my family to be with my husband 8 years ago, and so had not spent much time with my dad in that time. I was a true daddy’s girl; he was my hero and the person I’d look up to and ask advice of. I was closer to him than mum and my sister. I miss him terribly, and sometimes wonder how I’ll manage without him.

I am in my early 30s and have a 13mth DD. I went back to work following maternity leave in June and am due to return F/T in January. I have a good job; my employer is flexible and kind, I earn a very good salary but I have been there 6 years, have no ambition to climb to the next level where I am and am so bored. I do feel like I need a new challenge, but we need my money and the flexibility for childcare and other family commitments.

I have no real interests; I enjoy baking/cooking, reading but nothing else really. I used to have real interests in film, music and football, but these have disappeared as my spare time has lessened. I don’t really have that much spare time, what with looking after DD, entertaining MIL and being there for my mum and sister doing our period of grief. I feel as if I have lost myself; who am I?

DH is an only child and only has his mum (MIL). She was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, went into remission and it returned in April this year. It’s now incurable and so only a matter of time. It's gone away for now, but is sure to come back within a year or two. She’s a difficult woman (was before the cancer but has got worse) and is inflexible and demanding. DH and I both have a responsibility to look after her as there is no-one else.

We do have one dream, which most will probably share, and that is to move away, maybe to the country and lead a more simple life, mainly for the benefit of DD. We are unable to do this though; we have offered to take MIL with us, but she point blank refuses. Obviously we can’t leave her.

So, I feel we are in limbo. No point in changing my job as we have no idea as to when we may up-root (or not as the case may be). I am scared to change my job in case I hate the new one. Maybe I don’t hate my job, but am just depressed.

This is a real woe is me post. I am probably depressed and need to get to the doctor, but maybe this is just how life gets and I need to get on with it. Perhaps some of you could let me know.... is it normal?

Thanks for reading.

3v3

So sorry to hear of your bereavement ((hugs))

You have a lot on your plate and I think a trip to your GP may be useful to you.

You are in mourning and at a cross roads in your life: this is normal.

marmitepotato

Sorry for your loss OP. I lost my sister to breast cancer eight months ago after a fight of more than twelve years. To make matters worse she lived in South Africa so I only saw her three times in that period as airfares are so expensive. You are feeling guilty ( as I am) but its just something you need to work through and come to terms with. It's early days for you at the moment and I think you should take each day as it comes.

A visit to the doctor would be a help. Your dream of a life in the country is something to cling to and look forward to, but I understand why your MIL doesn't want to move. After all, who would want to be uprooted from their home, friends, doctor and hospital to a new home miles from anywhere where you know no one and are completely dependant on your son and his wife?


Take each day as it comes. I count my blessings when I am feeling down and know that my sister would not want me to be miserable and unhappy.


Sending you big hugs OP.

FattyBettyBoo

Losing your Dad is still so new and it will take you a long time to start feeling better. It also takes a very long time after having a baby to feel like your old self, and 13 mnths isn'y very long either. When my DD was born I felt I completely lost who I was before and my whole life revolved around her. It did take a couple of years to get some of the old me back.

You will find yourself again, just give it time - your whole world has been turned upside down in the last couple of years.

Bubby

You have got an awful lot on your plate at the moment, there is the grief with losing your father, your mil and also looking after a very young child. You say that you haven't got any spare time but what about when your husband is home? Its seems that somewhere along the way you have become everyone elses carer and have no identity left for yourself. Could you take a little time every day and just have some time for yourself? Watch a film, pamper yourself, go out for a coffee anything that doesn't involve you looking after someone else?
It is great that you are supporting everyone but you do need some time and consideration for yourself, you have been through a great deal and also need to grieve yourself. Huge hugs for you

balletshoes

3v3 wrote: »

So sorry to hear of your bereavement ((hugs))

You have a lot on your plate and I think a trip to your GP may be useful to you.

You are in mourning and at a cross roads in your life: this is normal.

absolutely agree with this - grief takes many forms, what you are feeling is okay because its what you are feeling at this difficult time. I surprised myself by going to my GP a couple of weeks after my Dad's sudden death, because I just felt like I was drifting, and thats not me at all. My GP was excellent, very understanding.

iksbedd

Thanks all

When my DH is home, I still look after DD as he is training for a marathon to raise money for cancer.... I end up doing chores/watching mind-numbing tv.

I just have no "umph". Not had it for a while I guess, not just now my dad is gone. Losing Dad has made me sit up and think about my life; he was a popular man and sorely missed by many. He had a positive impact on many people and in comparison, I have achieved nothing (other than my job, where I am now allowing myself to stagnate).

Maybe a visit to the GP is the next step; wary of going on the pills, but maybe it'll make me feel strong enough to take another step.

Thanks all

FBaby

I'm with you on a lot of what you've writen spare your father/step-mother. Like you, I feel like I'm in a limbo, have felt like this for ages. I tell myself that I hate my job. The reality is that I hate the politics that comes with it, hate the travelling I now have to make to get to my office (when it used to be 5mns away) and hate the stress/mental demand that comes with it which mean that I am constantly utterly exhausted. I feel my life evolves around the lack of energy I battle every day. I know it is work related because when I am on holiday, even if it is a very busy holiday, ferrying kids around etc..., I feel like another person, full of beans, wanting to do things, and don't experience the constant urge to procrastinate I get when working. It is utterly frustrating to always feel that every tasks are chores, that the prospect of going out makes me feel anxious because I'm worried I will be too tired to go, or too tired to recover from!

Like you, I have looked at alternatives, but either than can only be dreams, or when I try something else, it goes nowhere. At times of extreme stress, I feel close to breaking down and all seem gloomy, then I recover a bit of energy and the outlook doesn't seem so bleak. I have analyzed that one of the reason why I struggle at times to adjust is that until the past 5 years or so, my life was about building my future. It was working hard to achieve a standard of living I aspired to. It now feels that I have reached a good part of it and therefore need to shift my mindset to living in the present and appreciating what I have. I certainly do that, but I still struggle to adjust to a life that is not aimed at achieving goals.

Unfortunately, I have failed to get a number of things I have worked very hard for recently. I have been very patient, accepted failure but kept fighting but to no avail. Sometimes, fate/nature gets in the way and you have to accept that no matter how hard you work towards something, it doesn't mean you are going to get it. It's another hard lesson I've had to accept recently. However, I am left with three precious things, stability, love and health, things that become much more valued with age!

You sound like you are yourself battling emotional exhaustion, which is not surprising with a young child and working at a non rewarding job. You need to find the right balance that works for you, and allow you to regain some energy to find dreams to aspire to that will give you back your energy and zest for life.

wanchai_2

Be kind to yourself. You've just lost your dad. Mine died 9 years ago and I still have days when I feel despair about it. It's very early days.

Perhaps the 'wake up call' aspect of your bereavement will turn out to be a positive. It's always good to be mindful of why we feel the way we do, and you should be glad of that.

Do you have anyone you can talk to openly about how you feel?

podperson

I agree that you do need to try and rediscover yourself a bit - at the moment it seems like your whole life is revolving about what you do for other people. I know you say your OH is in training but he is surely not doing this every hour of the day! He could take your DD a few hours one night so you could have a bit of 'you' time - or could your MIL babysit for a few hours (if she's well enough at the moment) so you could meet friends or go for a meal or something with your OH.
Maybe look for some new interests or things to do in your area. You say you like reading so maybe a book club, or even a creative writing class or something. Do you get out with the wee one? Maybe toddler or playgroups or something - you could meet some other mums and maybe not feel quite so isolated in your own family unit.
As others have said, please don't be too hard on yourself. A month is no time at all to get over such a huge bereavement, especially as it sounds like you've been supporting others so maybe not taking the time for you personally to deal with your loss and work through the grief you must be feeling.
I hope things start to look up for you soon x

mudgekin

Please be gentle to yourself just now and don't expect too much. I lost my darling mum a year ago past September and I still feel as though I go through the motions and have lost the zing that made me who I am.

It affected both DH and I dreadfully as mum lived with us for 20 years and was such an intrinsic part of us. I feel that I stumble from day to day.

Be aware that this is a transition period and try and just do what feels right