how to deal with spiteful ex

newcook

is there a reason why you dont want him to have more access to your daughter? as others have said, once a month is not a lot at all.

if you really dont want him to have access and your daughter really doesnt want to go and see him, I dont think there are any courts who will force the issue - I dont think you would even need a solicitor for this as you could represent yourself and your daughter and with your daughter being the age that she is her opinions will be taken into veiw by the judge.

I think even if the judge does say that the access is to be increased that they cannot physically force a 10 year old to visit if she doesnt want to.

nfollows1982

saljhan wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. Unfortunately it may not have come across as well as I wanted. I wanted advice re what to do regarding the situation legally as I am not entitled to legal aid as my husband works and we cannot afford a solicitor. My ex partner however is entitled to legal aid as he refuses to work so he can avoid paying maintenance.

I was advised to post here as I was told I may be helped without being judged which I feel I have been and made to feel I am being unreasonable.

Thank you all anyway.

Every piece of advice you have received is absolutely spot on in my opinion.

If you came on here expecting everyone to support you in your quest to stop your daughter seeing her dad, then I think you're in the wrong place.

There are 1000's of NRP's in this country who don't give a damn about their kids, if your daughters dad falls into the category of actually giving a damn, who are you to say he can't see her?

Unless you can give a good reason why you don't want him to see her more often, that can then be discussed in more depth, you just come accross as another spiteful mother using her child as a weapon.

Mojisola

saljhan wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. Unfortunately it may not have come across as well as I wanted. I wanted advice re what to do regarding the situation legally as I am not entitled to legal aid as my husband works and we cannot afford a solicitor. My ex partner however is entitled to legal aid as he refuses to work so he can avoid paying maintenance.

I was advised to post here as I was told I may be helped without being judged which I feel I have been and made to feel I am being unreasonable.

I think everyone is being realistic. A "normal" arrangement is usually one evening/night a week and every other weekend so your ex's request to increase his current contact would be looked on very favourably.

Rather than try to fight a losing battle, I think you'll have to work on a compromise.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A solicitor would advise you that, unless there is an actual physical risk to your child, he is not asking for an unreasonable amount of contact.

So we've just saved you a LOT of money paying for somebody to tell you exactly the same - no judgement of you required.


You could be referred to mediation, to a separated parents' course (not attending at the same time), but when it boils down to it, he's not demanding anymore than a court would ordinarily give a parent.

podperson

People are not trying to judge you - they are simply advising that once a fortnight is generally considered a 'normal' access agreement for a NRP. If it does go to court then they will probably be asking you why you think it is so 'unreasonable' that he has more access to his child. Perhaps you have very good reasons for feeling that him spending more time with his daughter won't be beneficial for her - but since you haven't chosen to share them with us then no one can advise on whether a court might agree with them.

Legally - if you can't afford a solicitor then you will need to represent yourself so I think in those circumstances the advice given has been appropriate and helpful. I'm sorry it wasn't what you were hoping for - but if it does go to court then you need to prepared for people to 'give the other side' and be able to response to it with clear, valid reasoning rather then taking things as a personal judgement on you.

FBaby

I agree with everyone who stated that your ex request is not unreasonable at all from what you've stated, however, I do totally understand your frustration to the fact that not only he doesn't contribute towards his child, he can get the tax payers to support him to have more access whereas you are left to support your child alone (as in without him), yet will have to pay to dispute his demands.

I can see it both ways. If he is trully unemployed to avoid paying maintenance (even if it is only one of the reasons), then I think he has some cheek to expect the tax payers to pay to help him with getting more access. At 10, it is likely that his daughter understand the implications of him not working and not supporting her and that might very well contribute to her not wanting to spend more time with him. It is very much a form of rejection.

Saying that, maybe with the benefit of the doubt, it could go the other way, by spending more time with his daughter, building a better relationship, his sense of responsibility might grow and he might be more prepared to want to contribute maintenance.

rhianna99

I can understand your frustrations about your ex getting legal aid, and you not. I was in exactly the same situation last year when my ex who had not bothered to see my child for 3 years suddenly demanded access. I did have valid reasons for not wanting him to see my child unsupervised, previous domestic abuse, violence, drug abuse.

Anyway it went to court, he got everything for free, whilst I got no help because my husband earned £50 over the limit. I couldnt face him in court without a solicitor, and luckily my parents were able to lend me the money, I dont know what I would have done without their help. My ex's solicitor was like a pitt bull tbh and without professional help I fear he would have got everything his own way. As it was when he reaslised he would have to attend a contact centre initially and that I would not be made to pay all his petrol costs in coming to see our child (yes he really asked the court for that) he withdrew his application and has refused to attend the contact centre. What a waste of tax payers money who paid his legal costs, and a waste of my £3000 which could of been spent on my children.

Anyway, if you feel able to face him in court on your own then I would consider representing yourself, but be aware it wont be an even playing field if he has a solicitor. Also, I agree with the other posters, if theres is no real reason for you to withold contact, the court is likely to grant it, so you have to prepare yourself and your child for that. I wish you luck and hope you can reach a compromise. x

sassyblue

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Every piece of advice you have received is absolutely spot on in my opinion.

If you came on here expecting everyone to support you in your quest to stop your daughter seeing her dad, then I think you're in the wrong place.

There are 1000's of NRP's in this country who don't give a damn about their kids, if your daughters dad falls into the category of actually giving a damn, who are you to say he can't see her?

Unless you can give a good reason why you don't want him to see her more often, that can then be discussed in more depth, you just come accross as another spiteful mother using her child as a weapon.

Erm, her daughter has expressed that she doesnt want to go, is that enough reason for you? Or do the childrens wishes get ignored for your personal crusade?

Mojisola

sassyblue wrote: »

Erm, her daughter has expressed that she doesnt want to go, is that enough reason for you? Or do the childrens wishes get ignored for your personal crusade?

A child of this age should have her wishes taken into account but a court will want to be sure that the parent with care isn't setting the child against the other parent.

It's very difficult if the absent parent used to be controlling because contact can be used as a power play.

gfplux

You have recieved very good advise.
It may be not what you wanted.
Why not compromise about the overnight and agree for your daughter to see him every week, but without an overnight for a few weeks. Then move to an overnight once a month and then more overnights as it progresses.
You might find than in a year or so he is having her to stay every other weekend.
Good luck.