how to deal with spiteful ex

saljhan

Hi just wondered if anyone could offer some advice or has had similar experience. My ex partner who is my daughters biological father is demanding fortnightly weekend access to my daughter. He currently has her either the sat or sun daytime every 4 weeks. An arrangement which came about following mediation set up by his solicitors. This is an arrangement which works fine and with which my daughter is happy. He does not work and is on JSA which he even admits is so he doesn't have to pay csa arrears for a child who he has with another previous partner whom he has no contact with at all. Therefore he receives free legal advice and mediation and has a solicitor via legal aid. I am not working at present although my husband (who provides for my daughter financially and otherwise) works full time we do not qualify for legal aid however and we are unable to afford solicitors fees.I have today received a letter from his solicitors demanding the arrangements be changed even though my daughter does not want to go this often and does not wish to stay overnight she is 10. My ex was very controlling and nasty during our relationship and I feel this is just another way for him to continue his control over me by using our daughter. Sorry for the long story just don't know what to do this system seems so unfair that he provides nothing towards the child financially and me and my husband are struggling and are not eligible for help with legal costs any advice would be most gratefully received.

19lottie82

Hi OP – Firstly, please can you try to use paragraphs, your post is very jumbled and hard to read.

I don’t think fortnightly access iss unreasonable I’m afraid. If your ex wants to maintain a relationship with his daughter, that’s a difficult thing to do when you only have 1 day a month.

BUT as your daughter is 10, and has expressed a wish not to go, then this will be taken in to account, should the matter go to court.

fannyanna

Fortnightly access is the norm. I don't see how it's unreasonable.

inspirespirit

Fortnightly access seems reasonable. Only seeing her father one day a month is not a great way for your daughter to sustain a relationship with him.

I would not make her stay overnight though if she is not comfortable with this. She may eventually want to once she has got to know him a bit better through fortnightly access.
If she does, don't fight it, take advantage of you and new husband having some time alone.

podperson

Are you sure he is purely doing it to be spiteful - as tbf one day a month isn't a lot to see your child so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want a bit more access. If your daughter doesn't want to stay overnight then would it maybe be worth trying to compromise with one day every fortnight instead of the full weekend?
If you are both opposed to it completely though then you may just need to let it go to court - you can represent yourself and your daughter is old enough now that her wishes should be taken into account.

rainbow_791

I am sorry but I think once a fortnight is not asking too much, unless you had a serious reason (even though you are ok with once a month?).

Maybe try and see this from his point of view - is once a month enough? She can not be made to stay over but they could always spend the day together.

I hope the outcome is one which is best for your daughter - she is all this should be about

Gingernutty

saljhan wrote: »

Hi just wondered if anyone could offer some advice or has had similar experience.

My ex partner, who is my daughter's biological father, is demanding fortnightly weekend access to my daughter.

He currently has her either the sat or sun daytime every 4 weeks. An arrangement which came about following mediation set up by his solicitors.

This is an arrangement which works fine and with which my daughter is happy.

He does not work and is on JSA, which he even admits is so he doesn't have to pay csa arrears for a child who he has with another previous partner with whom he has no contact with at all. Therefore he receives free legal advice and mediation and has a solicitor via legal aid.

I am not working at present although my husband (who provides for my daughter financially and otherwise) works full time. We do not qualify for legal aid and we are unable to afford solicitors fees.

I have, today, received a letter from his solicitors, demanding the arrangements be changed, even though my daughter does not want to go this often and does not wish to stay overnight. She is 10.

My ex was very controlling and nasty during our relationship and I feel this is just another way for him to continue his control over me by using our daughter.

Sorry for the long story just don't know what to do. This system seems so unfair. He provides nothing towards the child financially and me and my husband are struggling and are not eligible for help with legal costs.

Any advice would be most gratefully received.

I hope this helps someone help you

nfollows1982

Fortnightly contact isn't unreasonable at all.

Please please don't use your opinions or feelings towards your ex get in the way of him wanting a relationship with his daughter.

I don't think that the court will just let the contact go from one to another, there would be a period of transition, days out and additional contact periods between the 2 of them.

Your daughter may not want to go overnight at present, but I guess she doesn't really know her dad that well and him wanting to build that relationship should be applauded and not dismissed.

I would meet him half way, say fortnightly is fine but no overnights. If he is genuinely doing this for the good of his daughter rather than to spite you, he will agree.

Then, if that relationship builds up over time and she wants to stay weekends with dad, that’s got to be her choice and something which you need to support.

If she builds a relationship and thinks he’s a complete waste of space at least she’s made that decision and she will thank you for letting her make it, rather than you making it for her.

pinkshoes

Fortnightly does seem reasonable, but I would only agree to a fortnightly day visit, and not over night.

You use "My" daughter when you should have said "our" daughter. You clearly loved him enough at one point to decide to have a child with him, so you need to do your best to put your personal reservations aside and let your daughter get to know her dad better.

saljhan

19lottie82 wrote: »

Hi OP – Firstly, please can you try to use paragraphs, your post is very jumbled and hard to read.

I don’t think fortnightly access iss unreasonable I’m afraid. If your ex wants to maintain a relationship with his daughter, that’s a difficult thing to do when you only have 1 day a month.

BUT as your daughter is 10, and has expressed a wish not to go, then this will be taken in to account, should the matter go to court.

apologies for the lack of paragraphs however this was my first time of posting and at the time of writing I was quite confused and upset.

Thanks anyway

saljhan

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. Unfortunately it may not have come across as well as I wanted. I wanted advice re what to do regarding the situation legally as I am not entitled to legal aid as my husband works and we cannot afford a solicitor. My ex partner however is entitled to legal aid as he refuses to work so he can avoid paying maintenance.

I was advised to post here as I was told I may be helped without being judged which I feel I have been and made to feel I am being unreasonable.

Thank you all anyway.