money causing real problems with OH

paddy's_mum

fawd1 - In your shoes, I would be thinking very hard along the lines of eventually moving out of the rented property and into a place of my own UNLESS he will genuinely meet you halfway and really get this problem under control. Moving into a place of your own need not end your relationship as you could still give him 'romantic visitation rights'!

If you did decide to move out, could you amass a small disaster fund somewhere so that if his debts seem likely to drop you into deep trouble, you have the wherewithall to live for a while.

I have some experience of this within my own family and I have to say that when I read your post, my internal alarm bells were ringing loudly. I agree with others that you need to find out exactly where his money is going - it takes an awful lot of pate and stilton to get rid of several hundred pounds a month, especially if you are shouldering most of the financial burden. Drugs, a wrecked hire purchase car that you know nothing about, a child somewhere that he is maintaining ....?

It is my view that if you don't get this sorted out in the next few months, however good/romantic/fun he is as your partner, you will eventually build up a huge store of resentment that will poison and destroy your relationship but not perhaps before you are in debt too!

You may find this next view rather bizarre but I hope you can see what I am getting at. If this was a young dog you owned and it was ignoring the garden in favour of peeing on your carpets or biting your ankle because you weren't quick enough to put his dinner in the bowl - what would you do? Would you find this acceptable behaviour or would you be thinking 'crikey, this is a real problem and I can't stand it much longer'?

Think of your OH like a young dog who needs to be taught some manners and where the line is drawn and it may help you see past the loveydovey stuff that may, at the moment, be clouding your judgement just a little. Good luck.

Oldernotwiser

fawd1 wrote: »

just wanted to say though, he's wonderful in every other way, very romantic, thoughtful etc, just rubbish with cash.

There's nothing romantic or thoughtful about sponging off the person you live with! I think that you're being taken for a mug here and should give this situation some serious thought. If you were in a house share with another female, would you put up with this behaviour?

EthelBloggs

I'm in a very similar situation Fawd1.. however my OH gives me his share of the bills etc when he gets paid but halfway thru the month he's borrowing money off me like its going out of fashion, often to the extent that he's borrowed more than he gave me :mad:

My solution for want of a better one is that I simply plead poverty all the time. If he thinks I'm skint then he can't borrow what I don't have can he?

On the other hand I then have to be careful not to buy anything halfway thru the month that would give the game away, so not ideal but it works til I can get him to budget better and look after his money.

lynzpower

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

There's nothing romantic or thoughtful about sponging off the person you live with! I think that you're being taken for a mug here and should give this situation some serious thought. If you were in a house share with another female, would you put up with this behaviour?

Ive just GOT to agree with this sentiment completely. I used to be terrible with money, I mean BAD. I spent a whole months wages ( nearly 2 grand!! ) on a 4 day visit to glastonbury festival AND i had free tickets & transport

My OH soon realised I was a nightmare and basically it all came to a head with him going like this :wall: and I had to get my s7ht together, otherwise it would be game well & truly over. I sorted myself out from help here and im now out of debt & welkl & truly in profit

You need to draw a line & say no more. otherwise it will get worse. and that isnt romantic, believe me.

amazamum

I have to agree with others here,you need to sit him down and have a serious talk.
I had the same problem with my oh,he was taking money out here and there from our joint bank account and as a result we were at our max overdraft every month,he hasn't had his bank card since nov last year and when he needs cash he comes to me so that I can monitor the money and as a result I cleared the overdraft within 2 months.
Ps I have also taken a look at my untility bills and through shopping around have cut them by about £50 a month.
He needs to start taking responsibility for things or they will start getting out of hand and he won't be able to afford any of the good things in life.
Good luck,stand firm.:D

choccybuttons

My hubby has always been terrible with money. So I sat down and worked out every single bill, household expense, food, car ins, mobiles - everything and how much they were each month. I then showed him the breakdown. He agreed to give me a set amount each month and he went and set up a standing order so the money transfered the day after he got paid. So any money left in his account was his to spend as he wished. This gave me the peace of mind to know the bills are getting paid and I have money for food.