Partner in a mess...

armchairexpert

This is what jumps out at me, too, tintingirl. Why would you be taking on the finances of a man who doesn't even know who his mortgage is with?

I understand you want to be able to move in with him some day, and to do that he needs to have his finances in order, and therefore you want to do all you can to make sure he can meet that requirement. But the reality is that as long as you're doing all of this for him, he's going to continue to feel aggrieved and entitled and deprived. And while I'm sure he's a lovely guy - he sounds very generous and a loving father, which is great! - your pre-condition for moving in with him shouldn't just be 'if his finances are in order'. It should be 'if HE has got his finances in order'. Because otherwise, he might stay on the straight and narrow for a while, but as soon as you two consolidate your finances, he'll slip back into his old attitude; if he wants something, that's a good enough reason to buy it. And that way spells trouble for you.

sharpy2010

I couldn't be putting up with someone like this. It will make you miserable for years. It's time to say goodbye.

Giraffeseeker

Oh, he knew his mortgage was santander (taken over from alliance and Leicester), the bank didn't seem to though! And apparently procedures are different if you are ex A&L.

Biggest worry is that he is 2 months behind on council tax now. He is contacting them today.

N|cky

tintingirl, this may sound strange but I've been following this thread the last couple of days and it amazes me as to how much strength you have coming on the forums, laying it all out here and still standing by your partner when majority of people said to run while you can.... guess it is easy for others to say run whilst you can but one's heart can be stubborn at times.

I wish you luck for the long hard road ahead

notanothernewbie

You could almost be talking about my OH!! We have been down the remortgage route and 4 years later he still owes a lot. Thankfully I pay all our mortgage and utility bills so I know they are taken care of. I really fear for the future of your relationship as it is very difficult to live with this level of debt without a serious change of mind set. I do hope everything turns out as you hope, but it does sound like he has not really had a LBM yet.

19lottie82

tintingirl wrote: »

Biggest worry is that he is 2 months behind on council tax now. He is contacting them today.

This is serious. Council Tax is the one thing (apart from rent / mortgage) that you HAVE to pay. Likelyhood is, now he will have lost his rights to installments and they will demand the rest of the years money in one go.

heartbreak_star

19lottie82 wrote: »

This is serious. Council Tax is the one thing (apart from rent / mortgage) that you HAVE to pay. Likelyhood is, now he will have lost his rights to installments and they will demand the rest of the years money in one go.

Yes. This happened to me and my ex and I ended up with an Attachment of Earnings which was very embarrassing at work. It needs sorted. Good luck!!

HBS x

harrys_dad

tintingirl wrote: »

Oh, and no, there are no plans for any more children. My two are at secondary school now and I am approaching the big 4-0!

So why on earth would you want to move in with an "adult" who is financially a child? Your determination to sort his problems out (for in reality that is what is happening) is admirable, but he needs to understand that love brings responsibility, on both sides. he needs to grow up.

I hope you can bring about change in him, I really do, but like many on here I am not hopeful. Prove us wrong or get out while you still can.

sharpy2010

N|cky wrote: »

tintingirl, this may sound strange but I've been following this thread the last couple of days and it amazes me as to how much strength you have coming on the forums, laying it all out here and still standing by your partner when majority of people said to run while you can.... guess it is easy for others to say run whilst you can but one's heart can be stubborn at times.

I wish you luck for the long hard road ahead

Couldn't agree more. Upon re-reading my post, it seemed a bit harsh, but I wrote it with the very best of intentions, and wish the OP luck with her partner and the future :-)

missrlr

I know where you are - see my signature for some serious debts incurred by DH! And yes his mortgage is the interest only one AHEM.
DH has not really had his LBM - only agreed to let me sort the finances for joint bills and so on. He is still blissful in that he can "just' afford the repayments each month but there was a bum squeaking moment when he realised the mortgage changes issued by S@nt@nder last month meant he had even less money.
I know your heart says stay, make sure your head says keep finances separate and that you do.
Best of luck sometimes I think turning on the light is not as effective as turning on the switch yourself.