Partner in a mess...

VitaK

tintingirl wrote: »

He also showed me that he had downloaded the Santander app on his phone to keep a better eye on his finances, which is also a good thing (he never normally checks balances or opens post, just waits for his card to be rejected to find out he's out of money, by which point charges are building up).

It is a good thing if he intend is use use it to tackle hes debt problem. Without trying to sound negative, have you considered he did it in order to get you off hes back for another month.

tintingirl wrote: »

I noticed he had also downloaded the National Lottery app, and asked him why, as he's always been very scornful of people who do the lottery. He said he thought he's start doing it as "you never know". I pointed out to him that this made him look very desperate, I remember playing the lottery for a month in desperation just before I had my LBM and went on a DMP. So maybe he is getting to that point, slowly!

Gambling is for people that can afford to lose. The odds are stacked against him from the begining, chances are that it will only add to the mess he is in.

He need to prioritise hes council tax. Also, he needs to think very hard about hes debt to hes dad. There are so many stories on here where debt with friends and family turns ugly.

happycamel_2

Firstly, this sounds pretty hopeless, maybe if he saw you walk away because of it then he might try dealing with it properly but he sounds incredibly immature.

I know you are trying to do your best by him but my heart sank when you said that he's a teacher. How can someone with three kids of his own and a career based around educating children fail to understand that expenditure must be less than or equal to income? I really hope someone like this doesn't get to spend 30 hours a week with my kids.

I'm sorry, it's not my most helpful post but all I can really say is that such wilful irresponsibility and ignorance isn't attractive, find yourself a real man.

bouncydog1

Think how good you felt on your week away with your children and other single parents. stress free and happy. You are entitled to feel this way all the time and in your position I would be dumping the boyfriend and look forward to meeting someone who would make you happy.

we all have to make choices but clearly your boyfriend only pays lip service to keep you off his back.

tallyhoh

I got hooked up with someone like this years ago (27) and really wish I had got rid of the loser before I had children.

He's well on his way to being bankrupt again & this time I'll probably get dragged into it.

Get your trainers on & start running, if having 3 kids didnt change his outlook on life what will?

zzzLazyDaisy

This man is not paying off his debt, he is simply moving it around to make room for more.

Out of interest, do you want children at some point?

If so, think carefully, because this man already has three children and is sinking under an ever increasing amount of debt. He will not be in a position to provide for you for a very long time - if ever.

Giraffeseeker

Sooo, he applied for the £40k mortgage increase, and a week later got a letter with an appointment face-to-face at the bank. Normal procedure??

It seems he was honest with outgoings but in my (and Zooploa's) opinion he overinflated his house value by 40k, telling Santander it was worth 230 when it is probably only worth 190k.

He is borrowing off his Mum to do some house repairs - about £500 - I honestly have no idea why. OK, the issues in question are pretty desperate but could wait a month until he has stabilised his finances.

Right now, of course, he can pretend there is no issue as we have been paid and he can use the cashpoint again. Probably not for long though...

Giraffeseeker

Oh, and no, there are no plans for any more children. My two are at secondary school now and I am approaching the big 4-0!

antonic

Like others have said UNLESS he wants to face up to his debts and deal with them like an ADULT, this will be a self perpetuing cycle.

I earn now approx £20k as a civil servant and 7 years ago I was in the situation and when the credit ran out, as it will with your partner, I had to deal with it.

I dealt with it by starting a DMP (see my sig for details) and I can honestly tell you that it hasnt all been plain sailing for me BUT I am now nearly at the end and the feeling of self pride I have in myself for
a) Realising the problem and
b) dealing with it is enornmous AND my family are proud of me for dealing with it.

If he continues to default on his Council Tax they can demand demand payment in full, and with the other late payment markers on his credit file you have mentioned I fear his remortgage isnt going to happen.

He needs to deal with this NOW.

Giraffeseeker

So, after a bit of confusion about whether his mortgage was an Alliance and Leicester one or a Santander one, resulting in his branch appointment being cancelled, he finally tonight rang the bank and had a proper interview.

This was prompted by the fact he has lost £270 in bank charges in the last 10 days, he has only £140 to live on for the rest of the month (including 3 big kids for half the time) and the fact that he still has several hundred pounds worth of DD's left to come out of his account this month and hasn't paid his Dad the £450 he promised him 3 months ago. He has no savings and the Gas/Electric bill are quarterly and due next month, as is Christmas, apparently.

He was refused very quickly, before they even got to income and expenditure. They valued his house far less than I even had (and 70K less than he had) and were not prepared to consolidate his debts.

He's been through all the options but the cold facts are that he's breaking even (on a conservative budget) before one debt repayment is made. A second job is not practical with 3 kids and a full time job, a lodger isn't either, and he needs far more than either of these incomes could provide anyway.

We did debt remedy a few times, adjusted the budget a few times and came out with him paying around £260 pcm and a 12 year DMP. He is horrified at the length of time and wants some time to reflect on this.

He said he is only prepared to trash his credit rating if he is "significantly better off" and I have tried to explain to him that his spending habits will HAVE to change if this is going to work.

However, I do think he needs to get his head around the fact he can no longer have a meal out or a cinema trip etc with the kids plus friends whenever he feels like it - he needs to re-educate himself that this is a treat as he no longer has a credit card to put this type of spending on.

He is nearly there in his thinking, and really has no choice. But when I came to a DMP I was almost at the end, but not quite. I made the decision on my own and before it got to the point that I ran out of money on the 6th of the month and had no dinner money for the kids, petrol to get to work, etc. He has gone past that point, for the 3rd month now, and is still saying he needs time to think. He is an Ostritch.

BUT, we have made some preparatory steps with him. I cancelled every single direct debit in his account except the mortgage, so that he won't get charges for all the bills yet to bounce. I applied for a current account with an unassociated bank (Co-op) - he wouldn't countenance a basic account but I assume if he is declined for a current account they will offer him a basic account and that will be a wake up call. We have emailed his works payroll to tell them his previous account is closed and we do not want Novembers wages going in there. And I pressed the button on debt remedy to email him the pack.

Exhausted with it all TBH, I did this for myself just 10 months ago and I am making it work. I am happy to help but "where is my allowance for a holiday" and "but it was only £50" is not inspiring me with confidence.....

zzzLazyDaisy

tintingirl wrote: »

I cancelled every single direct debit in his account except the mortgage, so that he won't get charges for all the bills yet to bounce. I applied for a current account with an unassociated bank (Co-op) And I pressed the button on debt remedy to email him the pack.

Notice anything?

Ever heard the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink?