Partner in a mess...

Giraffeseeker

catwoman73 wrote: »

He has 3 children aged 9, 14 and 16 and so the bedrooms are in use by them 3 or 4 nights per week (shared custody).

If its truely 50/50 custordy with his ex, should he actually be paying any maintenace, especially as he is paying for a family home for his children to live in half the week? Who is getting the child benefit?

Agree that a remortgage would be a disaster, but thankfully the chances of acceptance should be low.

£42k is a good salary and he should be reasonably comfortable. What does he spend his money on?

Catwoman, he "officially" has the children 3 nights per week (ExWife has them 4 nights a week) and then 50/50 in the holidays. Which, according to the CSA means he pays £320 (although it's not actually done through the CSA). His ex gets the Child benefit for 3 kids, and I think she still gets tax credits too.

In reality, he often has them additional nights, has them after school until the ex finishes work at 7ish (and so feeds them), and in the holidays he seems to do 4 days a week while she does one...

On top of this he pays half for school dinners, buy all the clothes for his 16yo son (who is now in 6ht form so needs more), some clothes for the girls, pays for swimming, dance, tennis etc when it falls on one of "his" days, and contributes towards school trips. He also has to pay for breakfast club for his youngest on the mornings he has her.

TBH I know his ex is taking the p**s and I wish he would stand up to her more.

Giraffeseeker

So, the bank emailed him a budget planner and I made him fill it in as honestly as he would (included his debt repayments and his child maintenance) and emailed it back to the advisor before he noticed we hadn't added it up.

THEN I added it up, and the figures didn't look good.

The advisor replied to say he didn't want the email, but to call in with the figures. He *says* he has done that today without me around so I would be interested to know if he actually went off those figures was "flexible" with the truth.

When logged into his bank account to see the figures on bills, etc, I noticed that he has several bounced payments this month. They were:
- £97 Council tax bill
- £220 loan payment (to Santander, who he is applying for the remortgage with!)
- £19 mobile phone bill
- £37 phone/broadband bill

So he starts next month needing to find around £400 extra before he even starts. Plus he owes his Dad £400 for paying for repairs on his car two months ago, and his Dad is getting annoyed...

He says he doesn't want to do anything as "apocalyptic" as go on a DMP, and would rather get a 2nd job (which to my mind is far more apocalyptic, bearing in mind he struggles to cope with the demands of his current job and childcare etc anyway).

On the positive side, he submitted an application letter for a temporary one-year promotion at work, which he stands a reasonable chance of getting and would be a £2K-ish pay rise for 12 months.

He also showed me that he had downloaded the Santander app on his phone to keep a better eye on his finances, which is also a good thing (he never normally checks balances or opens post, just waits for his card to be rejected to find out he's out of money, by which point charges are building up).

I noticed he had also downloaded the National Lottery app, and asked him why, as he's always been very scornful of people who do the lottery. He said he thought he's start doing it as "you never know". I pointed out to him that this made him look very desperate, I remember playing the lottery for a month in desperation just before I had my LBM and went on a DMP. So maybe he is getting to that point, slowly!

seriousDFW

Have you asked him to come on here?

I refused point blank to admit I had a debt problem because I could always manage minimum payments. But I didn't have a strategy for getting rid of the debts. My OH tried for ages to get me to do something. It was ONLY when I came on here at her behest that I actually realised I needed to wake up and do something. It was the best thing I ever did. I think reading about other people in similar situations makes it real and makes you realise there are things you can do.

Are you having discussions about your future together? This is what keeps me and my OH on the right track. Incidentally I'm a teacher too, and there is no way he should be getting a second job, unless it's really easy money for hardly any of this time!

I'd say get him to commit to coming and reading some of the Debt-free Diaries or general posts on DFW - I can't see how he wouldn't want to face the problems after that.

Remortgaging and consolidating are NOT the solution, as I know you already know! He already has a mortgage and doesn't sound as if he needs to move any time soon, so a DMP to make the debts manageable would seem the right option, but he should seek advice from the free debt charities. At the very least, sit down with him and get him to do a full, honest and accurate SOA.

Ms_Speculatrix

Unless he has the will to face up to this and take action to sort it out it wont get resolved this is one thing I would literally be prepared to put money on!

On a practical note he could consider selling the large property and moving into something smaller with a cheaper mortgage. Also if he had a look on the CSA website he might find his contributions would be reduced if he actually did go through the CSA, they used to have a calculator on there for working out child support. I had a shared care/joint custody arrangement with my ex similar to this one a few years back when the kids were younger and he never paid me a dime!

The best advice I can give to you is to try to ignore your heart and the overwhelming wish to help someone you love and to try not to get too embroiled with his debt problems as they are NOT YOUR PROBLEM, and he will only sort this out when he faces reality. As someone who is currently dealing with my partner's debts as well as my own I speak from experience. It is not a great place to find oneself.

[Deleted User]

You say he is running out of money around the 10th of each month, but when does he next get paid?

If it's just a few days later, a bit of judicious economising might stretch the money out till pay day.

However, if he doesn't get paid for weeks after the 10th, then more will be needed.

[Deleted User]

tintingirl wrote: »

When logged into his bank account to see the figures on bills, etc, I noticed that he has several bounced payments this month. They were:
- £97 Council tax bill

This needs paying NOW.

Council Tax is a serious business, which could lead to the Magistrates Court.

Giraffeseeker

Bedsit_Bob wrote: »

You say he is running out of money around the 10th of each month, but when does he next get paid?

If it's just a few days later, a bit of judicious economising might stretch the money out till pay day.

However, if he doesn't get paid for weeks after the 10th, then more will be needed.

We get paid on the last working day of the month, so this month it's the 31st (:mad: annoying for me every October as my son's birthday is the 30th!).

And, as I've seen this month, he is running out before his committments are even paid.

Every month he has an "excuse" - one month it was car repairs (clutch went, so that one is unforseeable), another month it was that he had to pay the gas bill (they booted him off the monthly DD scheme about a year ago as it kept bouncing, so he just gets quarterly bills now, and doesn't ever pay until court action is threatened and the NEXT bill is in), another month it is a childs birthday (he always lets his ex buy very expensive gifts and just hands over half - a laptop AND a mobile phone for one birthday for a 14yo?!?), etc, etc...

He saves for nothing. Every year I have tried to get him to book our holiday with the kids nice and early (ie January) so we can pay off over time, but it always ends up being totally last minute.

This year I got sick of it, saw a really fab deal on Groupon in February and bought it for me and my two. He missed the deal. So we went our seperate ways with the kids this summer.

Mine was all inclusive for a week for £835 and when my paypal balance (from post-xmas ebaying) and a groupon credit were taken off I paid just over £200. It was a lovely, stress free holiday as we could look forward to it for 6 months and there was no worries about finding the cash to go away. Dates were sorted long in advance with my ex instead of making him "hang on" for my bf to make a decision. I was with a group of single parents and all activities and food were included and we had a ball - AND I spent less than £100 that week (wine for the evenings and petrol to get there).

He left it and left it and promised his kids the earth, and then eventually had to book a 4 night deal at a caravan park (put on credit card). He was skint so I helped him menu plan and did an online shop for him before I went away (with his credit card) so he was sorted. Turns out they ate out every day (so all the shopping came home with him) putting it on his credit card, they went to expensive attractions, and his credit card stopped working half way though the week (not over it's limit at that point, stopped for non-payment of the bill for a couple of months) and he ended up borrowing the £20 his ex had given his youngest daughter to put petrol in to get home.

The odd thing is that he went away mainly because I was - he was annoyed I'd booked without him and felt he needed to "keep up". If I hadn't been going away he'd have happily stayed at home as his kids had had a holiday overseas with their Mum anyway that month. So he kind of blamed me for making him spend that money. I know - weird logic!

I think if he "caught up" with all his missed payments, and did a proper budget, he might make his money last but I think it would be very, very, very tight - maybe too tight - and he would really only be paying the minimum on credit cards until the loans are gone (5 years for one of them).

Giraffeseeker

Bedsit_Bob wrote: »

This needs paying NOW.

Council Tax is a serious business, which could lead to the Magistrates Court.

I know, I told him it is a priority debt. He didn't seem to think it was :eek:

I will make sure he rings them with his debit card in his hand first thing on Wednesday morning. It is not the first time he has missed this. His DD is set for the 10th of the month, and not the 1st - heaven knows why - and I have said on several occasions he needs to get that changed.

Ilona

I hate to say this tintingirl, but it appears you have hooked up with a walking disaster. He is still an adolescent and shows no signs of growing up and taking control of his life. You have tried your hardest to sort him out. Unless you want to take on the role of his keeper for life, the best thing you can do is listen to your head and not your heart, and go your own way without him.

It is very difficult to change the way people behave, but you can change how you deal with it.
Ilona

[Deleted User]

tintingirl wrote: »

I know, I told him it is a priority debt. He didn't seem to think it was :eek:

It absolutely is.

Aside from a possible trip to the Magistrates Court, they could also cancel his right to pay monthly.