help please with 20 year old still at home

scubaleopard

My husband is due to retire later this year. A few years ago we bought a little town house in Italy and are looking forward to spending some parts of the winter there.

We have 3 children. The oldest 2 are independent. We also have 1 daughter who is 20.

Our daughter lives at home but spends some time with her boyfriend at his house and also stays some nights at various friends house. She is a lovely girl who gives us no trouble at all and we obviously love her to bits.

Our problem is this-- and we should be glad of any suggestions --- She does not have a full time job. She has moved back home after travelling in Australia.

We would really like to pack up the house, be assured that it is safe and come and go as we please. However in no way would we make our daughter homeless and yet with a much reduced income we will find it difficult to run the house for her. Of course we are thinking that we will pay the ongoing bills e.g rates etc that would be a cost to us whether the house is empty or not and then leave the other bills for our daughter to pay but I am worried that this will be too expensive for her and also make her feel that her family home is too much responsibility.

We have also considered letting out 2 of the other bedrooms to other people which would help with our bills. My OH is anxious about this and is worried that if it is let to other youngsters they may have parties etc. I think that could happen anyway with just our daughter living here-- we have had no trouble in the past when we have been away for a few weeks at a time.We would not have a base when we came home either which would be an issue --- MIL lives close by and we could stay with her so that could be got around. MIL too old and poorly to have DD.

We have just started to talk about our definite plans for our retirement and she is very happy about us spending time away from home in fact she laughs when I tell her that I worry about leaving her. She is very independent, being the youngest and having travelled over the last year abroad.

We just do not know how to broach the subject of the costs of things and would hate for her to feel that we think she is a problem to us.

She cant stay with siblings cos 1 lives too far away and other has accomodation provided with her job.


At the moment she is not paying us rent for the following reasons.
1 She is often at boyfriends or friends.
2 She returned from travelling in January so is getting herself back on her feet. She does only work part time which is a bit of an issue but is looking for a full time job. She never asks for money though.
3 We want to sort out what to do bout the winter situation before talking to her about it all.

So sorry to be long winded but we would be really grateful for any help or advice

Dan_Thunder

As far as I can see you've approached this in the right way. You've said that you're going to pay the persistent costs i.e. rates whilst you're away. Just be honest, tell her that as you're going to be away, if she wants to she can stay in the house as long as she pays for any of the bills that she may incur i.e. gas/electricity and that the house remains in the condition you left it.

From the sound of it, it would appear that she wouldn't be upset about this and from your POV your house will be more secure whilst you're away.

Plus, given that you're talking over 6 months down the line she might well be on her feet so this whole issue may be redundant.

Personally speaking, I'd wait until summer to approach the issue. You'll still have plenty of time to discuss this with her but she might find a full-time position somewhere in the next 3-4 months.

illmonkey

She's 20, she can easily go out and find FULL time employment and bring home good money. Shes in the real world now.

If you dont want to let the house out and are happy with her living there, but know she cant afford it on full time pay, you need to subsidise the cost for her.

I was in the same situation at 18, my parents moved to france, very quickly, so let me rent their house for a smaller amount than market value for 6 months.

I think also, if shes paying rent, you need to accept some partys etc will take place. As is the same if she rented from someone where else. But obviously she needs to take care of your property and belongings.

I dont think the reasons for her not paying rent are valid. (apart from 3). Just because shes at her boyfriends, she still lives at yours. So still should pay for the privliage of having a room.
And 3 months to "get back on your feet" is more than enough time! You can get temp work next day with no interview, be working in a full time job within a week!

It seems like shes taking you for a ride, get tougher on her. She should be paying rent if shes earning, and shes an adult now, she should be able to live in your house and respect it. If not, shes out in 1 month.

seven-day-weekend

We had exactly the same situation with our son.

He stayed in the house, with two other young men, their rent and his contribution pays the bills, the house pays for itself and we have a resident house-sitter! The only trouble is, when we go back we have to sleep in the sitting room on an airbed as all the bedrooms are full.

It's done him the world of good, he is far more mature and confident.

We have been in Spain for 2.5 years now.

nearlyrich

I know it's hard to get tough on your child but she needs to be working and earning enough to fund her life, while she isn't asking for money I am sure she is still eating with you and using the facilities like the washing machine which all cost money.

My DD decided to pack in uni at the end of last November I told her none students pay rent from 1st Jan, she got a well paid job within the week and has just been promoted.
If I hadn't she would have done her part time hours at the place she worked while studying and had enough cash to do what she wanted.

If you start taking a reasonable amount of board from her in say a month from now and put it in a bank account, you can use it to fund any extras that her living in the house incurrs, when you go you can get the bills etc transferred to her name or keep up the payment to your account for this.

pinkshoes

Why not sit her down and discuss the options with her, and tell her that you can't afford to run two houses, but wouldn't dream of leaving her homeless. If she's willing to pay all the bills (gas/elec) and a reasonable rent, then that would be fine. I'm sure she won't trash the place! If she can't afford that, maybe help her find somewhere else to live, and rent the house out to a family (giving her the option of being 'landlady' if she wants to earn some extra money...).

Whatever you do, make sure she is fully involved in the decision so that she's happy with the outcome. She might be feeling that she HAS to stay in the house, even though she might prefer to live with friends or her boyfriend...

nej

Let her catch you and your husband "at it" a few times... she'll soon be gone!

Karnam

it sounds a bit harsh but wouldnt it be good to go to CAB and see if you can have a tenancy agreement with her over the house?

i too agree that if she is staying there she should be contributing something, maybe not rent but something towards food etc. i know many people who having graduated cant pay rent at thier parents so contribute most of JSA/a nominal contribution towards the house. someone i know can only afford £20 a week.

i think that as you are her parents you could take something other than money for her deposit. something like savings/investments that she might have or even a very clear agreement that you wont help at university/later on if she trashes the place.

at the end of the day if she wasnt there what would you do? rent out the house and therefore have a self sustaining household that you couldnt stay at or sell up and take the money and run?

thriftlady_2

My 38 yo sil is still living at home with my inlaws -she has never moved out :eek: I feel it's a bad example to my kids, I want them gone as soon as they're 18 :rotfl:

scubaleopard

Thank you all for your ideas and please keep them coming. Maybe I will sit her down and let her read this thread!!!

gingercordial

Have you thought about selling the house? I'm not suggesting you should, but just wondered if you'd considered it at all. You mention "two other bedrooms" so I assume these are your older children's old bedrooms, right?

You could sell up and buy a smaller place (eg a nice two-bedroom house or flat), with room for your daughter to stay and for you two to come back to when you want to, but with lower running costs than a half-empty big house. This would reduce the heating bills etc so make it more likely that your daughter could afford to run it in your absence. Obviously you'd have to think very hard about this and I appreciate you might not want to sell the family home if you are very attached to it.

Again I am not saying you should do this, but my own parents have just started to think along these lines (they have a place in France they would like to spend more time in, and my 21-year-old brother is still at home).

I do think she should get a full-time job though, and pay you rent (try telling that to my brother).