Revelation Not For The Faint Hearted Its An Epic

chevalier

Well what can I say. You are amazing to have kept going despite the bad hand that life has dealt you. Well done.

I agree with other posters who have suggested counciling. Being subjected to any sort of destructive behaviour can lead us to be emotionally 'stuck' at that point. Your comment about the little girl inside you looking for protection, is very telling. She needs to be given a voice. I am not saying that councilling wouldn't be painful. But lancing a boil is initially painful, but then the pain fades away as the poison that was inside it has been drained. By dealing with your past now, it will mean that it won't hold any power over you in the future. So you will be able to make decisions based on a new perspective.

Remember you were the victim here. It was NOT your fault. When you were abused it was your brothers fault not yours, and the same with your husband. He has the problem of serial adultery, not you. Yes you have to deal with the fall out, but it is his childish lack of responsibility that is to blame not you.

And I don't think you are bad with money. Each time he has cocked up his job, you have managed on less and less money. That means you are good with money. Do you see a pattern hear. HE messes up and you OVERCOME it again and again. So who is the stronger partner in the relationship? YOU ARE.

If you post a statement of affairs we might be able to help you get debt free quicker.

best of luck
chev

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

Thanks to you all - have reread all the posts including mine and am crying now. I so agree with all that you have said and were I reading the post I would say exactly the same - I crying now (don't do tears often), why do I feel like I don't deserve this support why do I feel so unworthy??

teecee152

You are not unworthy you are fantistically strong and should be very, very proud of your self that you have had the guts to bare your soul and are still standing. You have cheered me up countless times when I felt low, and now we just want to offer the same support to someone who needs it!!

Please take care of YOU!!!!

lynsayjane

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it wrote: »

Thanks to you all - have reread all the posts including mine and am crying now. I so agree with all that you have said and were I reading the post I would say exactly the same - I crying now (don't do tears often), why do I feel like I don't deserve this support why do I feel so unworthy??

because over the years people have treated you bad and you have felt as if this was your fault, all your negativity towards yourself has made you feel as though you don't deserve nice people and things in your life.

but your wrong

Dithering_Dad

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it wrote: »

I have nowhere to go, our house is tied to my husbands job, my dd is at the school we live at, they have a huge garden and playground to play in - how can I take them away from that to what would likely be a council house in the worst area of the city!

I know what you mean, it would be a huge step and not one to be taken lightly, but can you guarantee that you will be able to keep the house and large garden even if you stay with your husband? He is already on a written warning due to his philandering which means that he is just one incident away from losing his job and your house. With his track record, it seems unlikely that he will keep this job long-term.

I'm sorry to keep banging on, but I was in a similar situation with the 1st Mrs. Dither. She was a mean spirited, manipulative b*tch who couldn't hold down a job, ran up huge debts, cut me off from my friends and basically made my life a misery. I wasted so many years of my life with her because she crushed my self-esteem and made me feel that if I left her I'd be alone forever. It reached a point though that I decided I'd be happier if I was alone forever then being with her forever so I got shut. My life improved hugely since then and I met the lady of my dreams (Mrs Dither, the sequel) a year after my divorce. This is why I think no one should waste their lives in a relationship that is slowly destroying them.

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it wrote: »

Thanks to you all - have reread all the posts including mine and am crying now. I so agree with all that you have said and were I reading the post I would say exactly the same - I crying now (don't do tears often), why do I feel like I don't deserve this support why do I feel so unworthy??

You deserve the support and more besides. Now you have made the big leap in opening yourself up on an anonimous website, I agree with the other posters that you should take the next step and approach a councillor at your Uni. Just print off your initial post and hand it over during the first session if that makes it easier.

You never know, with the brave posting you made today, this could be the first day of the rest of your life.

Good luck with everything,
DD

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart - I'm truly moved by your support. True to form I'm now acting like everything is okay, down comes the veil of self preservation again. I WILL take all your advice on board and will do my best to be honest to myself and face the challenges ahead. My one experience of counselling (whilst pregnant with dd) through HR was awful and the poor girl looked terrified of my obvious distress and offered no advice just listened, but then I think thats what counselling is, which makes me doubt how useful it would be? In my head I set the perfect scenario where I reveal all to my DH and he is shocked but supportive and tells me how much he loves me (definately been watching to many old romantic movies - me thinks!!) and how sorry he is for all the hurt that he has caused me and then we all live happily ever after. I know my reality will be completely different and if I do actually reveal to him how I feel I'm likely to release the pent up hurt and anger toward him that will lead us on to a path of inevitable destruction. As a child all I wanted were my mum and dad to stay together and they did and still are, almost Darby and Joan like now they are both in their 70's, if I so desperately wanted my olds to stay together how can I subject my children to any separation - particularly as for them there are no warning signs, no rows and no falling out. Oh lord I'm off again really meant to keep this short so many things buzzing round in my head. Thanks again.
love to you all
IDA
xx

tinandsue

I truly believe that the main thing a child needs is a happy mother. If they've got a confident, well-rounded happy mum, they'll be very lucky indeed. You know that you need to make changes which is why you posted on here. Use the support that people have offered you to do something really positive. Organise the counselling - don't put it off. Just get on and organise it today and do it for your children as well as yourself.

smilealot

My dear, dear IDA,

What a strong person you are. Sounds like you are a fantastic mother and unbelievably understanding wife. It's not my place to say what you should do about your husband, as that's a decision you must come to in your own time (although I completely understand why the kind, helpful people on here feel so strongly that he is not good for you).

Rome wasn't built in a day as the saying goes, and neither will your happiness. However, I think it is important to remember that you have so many potentially happy years ahead of you (especially when the grandkiddiewinkles come along!). Take it step by step. Don't rush yourself, there is plenty of time. But please, if you can only find the time to do one thing, at least THINK about looking ino counselling. I understand that it is a massive, scary and perhaps not comforting thought, but it is the one thing that will help you unlock all of this unhappiness.

As you know, I'm not that much older than one of your sons. I'd bet my bottom dollar (or 20p in my piggy bank is more appropriate!) that your children have an inkling of how unhappy you are. You've spent your life making them happy, caring for them, providing and protecting. Making time for yourself and building your self-esteem is the best gift you can give them. I'm saying this because it's close to home in my life - I'd give anything to see my parents truely happy again.

How I wish I could do something to take away the pain. I'm so glad you posted. I know you feel naked and confused, but you've taken a major step. I understand that you won't feel comfortable being as open as this on a regular basis, but remember we are always here if you want to talk about anything (or PM me if you don't feel strong enough to post on the forum). No regrets.

smile x x x

onedayiwill

Hi IDA,

Don't regret posting. Writing things down is a great way to start getting better. You are among friends here.

I relate to you not ever feeling like you've belonged anywhere, as it has been the same for me until recently. This is in spite of having a wonderful, loving, totally supportive husband who I have been with for 13 years, who I love dearly and who for some reason puts up with crazy me.

By chance, a couple of years ago my path crossed with a wonderful couple who have turned out to be my first friends. It is still very strange to me to have 'real life' friends, but I am slowly becoming comfortable with it.

I wouldn't/couldn't talk about things with anyone. But somehow I started to trust these people and wrote a piece similar to the one you wrote above, and I emailed it to them. In fact I wrote several pieces like that. My friends just accepted what I wrote and didn't judge. They didn't try to anaylse it, they didn't pity me, they didn't say a lot really. They just said "It's OK." And those words of acceptance, which they had to repeat a million times until I actually believed it, made such a huge difference.

So to you, I say the same. It's OK.

My hope for you is that one day in your "real life" you will cross paths with a true friend. And in the meantime, virtual friends can be pretty darn good.

My friends also tell me a lot, especially when I really don't feel like it, "try to smile". It used to bug the heck out of me. But I'd do it anyway. And its strange you know. The more you "try to smile" the easier it becomes.

Take care and ... try to smile.

yellowmonkey

Hi Well done you for posting. Cant really add a lot more to what has already been said but I thought I would pop over from our usual thread to let you know that I am thinking of you and wish you the very best. :grouphug: :grouphug: YM