How do I ask for more maintenance?

mykidsmyeverything

As the title says...... and apologies if I ramble on a bit

How do I ask my ex for more maintenance?
My ds's (11) father and I split when he was a small baby. Ex has since married and had a child with the "other woman"! I have also married and had a couple more kiddiewinks.
Now ds doesn't see his dad too much, maybe once every 3 or 4 months and has been known to go nearly a year without seeing him in the past:eek::eek: and he doesn't call ds very often. Myself and ex don't communicate unless it is to do with ds, and ds would normally get me to ask him for something rather then him speak to his dad himself!! Ds spends most of his time with step mum or step mum's mum when he is there, as dad doesn't do too much with him:eek::eek: and they live a couple of hours drive away, so can't just go for a couple of hours.
Now, ex has a good job, not 100% sure of salary (he did leave a job down south, for a promotion up north, and his salary here was in excess of £40,000:eek::eek:), however, he has bought a farm, a big 6 bedroom house and their dd goes to private school. they also have 2 or 3 long haul holidays a year. He always has a flash new car when he does come for ds, or sends a chauffeur to pick up ds if arrangements have been made which he can't get out of:(:(:(.
A few years ago, he used to pay about £350 per month, which paid for childcare whilst I was at work. Now he pays half of this, and I have to harass him for it every month:eek::eek:. I have got the csa involved before and he "begged" me to get them off his back:eek:, this was after an episode before that with the csa, where he paid himself dividends in his old job so only paid £5 per week:eek::eek::eek:
I work (always have done) and provide for my kids myself, but ds tells me his sister has this that or everything else.
how do I ask ex for more? especially now ds is starting secondary school, and everything is so much more expensive:eek::eek:, like I said, we are not amicable, the only time we text is me harassing him
I would be grateful for some advice:A:A:A

Sambucus_Nigra

mykidsmyeverything wrote: »

As the title says...... and apologies if I ramble on a bit

How do I ask my ex for more maintenance?
My ds's (11) father and I split when he was a small baby. Ex has since married and had a child with the "other woman"! I have also married and had a couple more kiddiewinks.
Now ds doesn't see his dad too much, maybe once every 3 or 4 months and has been known to go nearly a year without seeing him in the past and he doesn't call ds very often. Myself and ex don't communicate unless it is to do with ds, and ds would normally get me to ask him for something rather then him speak to his dad himself!! Ds spends most of his time with step mum or step mum's mum when he is there, as dad doesn't do too much with him and they live a couple of hours drive away, so can't just go for a couple of hours.
Now, ex has a good job, not 100% sure of salary (he did leave a job down south, for a promotion up north, and his salary here was in excess of £40,000), however, he has bought a farm, a big 6 bedroom house and their dd goes to private school. they also have 2 or 3 long haul holidays a year. He always has a flash new car when he does come for ds, or sends a chauffeur to pick up ds if arrangements have been made which he can't get out of.
A few years ago, he used to pay about £350 per month, which paid for childcare whilst I was at work. Now he pays half of this, and I have to harass him for it every month. I have got the csa involved before and he "begged" me to get them off his back, this was after an episode before that with the csa, where he paid himself dividends in his old job so only paid £5 per week
I work (always have done) and provide for my kids myself, but ds tells me his sister has this that or everything else.
how do I ask ex for more? especially now ds is starting secondary school, and everything is so much more expensive, like I said, we are not amicable, the only time we text is me harassing him
I would be grateful for some advice

Removed screaming smilies so that I can read it properly.

I don't think there is anything you can do if his father does not want to support him. I take it you are not going through CSA currently?

absolutebounder

Please can I have more maintenance.
Pay up you lazy bstrd

clearingout

you can write to him and ask him to make a bigger contribution but if he doesn't want to pay your only option is the CSA.

is he self employed? if he's self employed you will struggle and could end up with less than you get now so it could be a gamble for you. If he works, the CSA will make their assessment and he will have no choice but to pay what they say or they will take it directly from his wages.

Issues to consider are that his lifestyle is funded by his partner rather than him which could mean he's paying what he should be? Has he reduced his hours at work? Also, if he's self employed, it could all be in her name and you'll end up with a nil assessment.

As I say, it's a gamble!

LannieDuck

Go through the CSA. Doesn't matter if he 'begs you to get them off his back' - he's proven himself to be unreliable with maintenance.

mykidsmyeverything

Thank you for your replies.

He was self employed, now employed, but also self employed as a sideline, and to be fair to him, does work a lot of hours
His wife is a PA.
The ex has bleated on in the past about buying his son, the same quality stuff as his daughter. And if asked, he will buy him things, I don't ask though. Only tell him what ds would like for xmas or birthday presents.
I am certain, if I were to go down the csa route again, it would be more, I don't want to do that though. I am not really concerned by what he has/earns. I only wrote it in my previous post to give an example of his lifestyle, there are many more extravagant examples I could use!
I would just like it to be a bit fairer. I pay for everything. Residential school trips, uniforms, after school clubs, childcare, clothes, birthday parties, everything etc....
I even pay for the train fares to take him to his dads and take the time off work, when ds wants to go (he only wants to go to see his step mum and sister though, not too fussed about dad). The chauffeur only happens if he can't bully me enough to drop him.
The question was more, how do I bring up the subject of maintenance? As it is, I already have to harass him monthly. Makes me feel kind of greedy, but as ds is getting older, he is also getting more expensive!

krlyr

mykidsmyeverything wrote: »

but as ds is getting older, he is also getting more expensive!

Start there. Tell him that you know he doesn't want to go through the CSA so can you please sit down and rearrange maintenance to reflect the increased costs of raising his child. Have all the expenses written down and decide which ones you feel would be better to go halves on (e.g. I'd say the essentials - schoolwear, school trips if you discuss it first and both agree he can go, after school clubs, etc. - things relating directly to your son. Things relating to you (non-essential childcare, like you wanting an evening out), you pay, things relating to him (train fares to visit) he pays - or whatever you both decide is a fair system. Get it in writing, get set dates of the month it is paid by (get him to set up a DD perhaps) and remind him politely that he is the one who wants a private arrangement, which you're happy to do as long as he follows through with it. Tell him that you're fairly sure he doesn't want to be harrassed for the money, but you're certainly sure you don't want to have to harrass him either so failure to stick to the arrangement will force your hand into going through the CSA - that way someone else can have the hassle of harrassing him for it.

daska

Just go to the CSA. You shouldn't be needing to harass him, so let them do it instead. It was HIS CHOICE not to stump up a fair amount voluntarily and therefore his choice to be harassed. He could have CHOSEN to be fair instead.

FBaby

The easiest route with a reluctant maintenance provider who is earning well is to ask him to pay for specific things that he could buy himself rather than asking for more money with the nrp reaching the conclusion it is to spend more on yourself

Ideally, it would be something he needs to be regularly, ie. mobile contract, school diners, a specific activity etc... It might mean having to pester/beg, whatever you want to call it which can be particularly unpleasant, so it is up to you to decide whether it is likely to be worth it in the end, taking into account the likelihood of him sticking up to it balanced with the likelihood of getting anything more securely with the csa.

Seanymph

You are entirely responsible for what you are getting, because you have allowed him to call the tune and you've given in to him.

Go to the CSA, let them deal with him.

Then you will be doing your job as regards your son rather than letting him down by allowing his father to not support him.

Don't ask, just go to the CSA.

Fire_Fox

Child Support Agency will assess his income. And don't text because he is not your teenage mate, you can be communicate in an adult manner about the relationship even if he is less so.