Improve self confidence

bride2be2012

I've always suffered from a lack of self confidence. I don't make friends easily, hate public speaking, hate presentations of any sort, hate having to speak to people I don't know as I get tongue tied and never know what to say, hate being out of my comfort zone. I went through 3 years of uni only really making friends with the people I lived with (thankfully they were lovely!), spent time travelling and hated the whole youth hostel experience, blown countless job interviews because I fall to pieces. I work with customers on a daily basis and I'm fine with that, as I basically have the same thing to say and do with each customer. I hate answering the phone though, as I never know who's going to be on the other end, or what they want lol. Emails are fine as I can spend time looking into queries and getting back to people!

Last night I was invited by my boss to an industry awards event, and felt so awkward and out of place, I really have to do something about my confidence problem. I just never know what to say to people I don't know, never know how to start a conversation. I know I have to do something about it, as it's really holding me back, especially professionally. Think my boss was getting really annoyed with me by the end of the night

So any advice on how to work on this? I've tried things like Kalms and Rescue Remedy, they don't work for me. Well, they stop the butterflies a bit but I still never know what to say to people! I have an interview on Thursday next week, so quick fixes would be appreciated!

FBaby

The only way is to accept the way you are and tell yourself that is ok. I think a lot of the anxiety associated with struggling with stranger is that people become convinced that it is a big failing and therefore put themselves under pressure to show themselves to be different then they are, which of course is very hard to do and therefore very stressful.

You can be confident, outgoing and have many friends and still feel uncomfortable in public. This is my case. I have tons of friends, but don't like situations where I don't know anyone. I am not good at public speaking at all, and don't interact well in big groups. Most of the time I have no clue what people are talking about and struggle to join in. It doesn't help my hearing isn't great. However, I am good on one to one and thankfully, my personality tends to attract people to me. Once they do, the barrier has been broken and I am in my comfort zone.

I think the best to do is to be yourself and therefore totally honest. Ironically, being yourself and honest will open the door to discussions and therefore to build relationships. If you are asked a question at interview and you don't know the answer or run out of things to say too quickly, don't let the pressure get to you, trying to say something, and struggling to do so because your brain has frozen. Give yourself a few seconds to think and if nothing does come, be honest, say you can't think and would they mind to expand their question with a big huge smile.

One easy trick which I have always found very helpful is to imagine what the worse case scenario could be. In the case of an interview, the worse could be to find yourself in front of very cold people, being asked questions you don't know the answers to, having your mind frozen and clearly ruin the interview...and then what? You leave, you don't get the job offered, but trully, if those people made you feel so uncomfortable, it is a pretty good assumption to make that it wouldn't have been the right job for you.

Good luck next thursday.

uk_american

Short term: pop around to the library and see if they have this book: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

It has a lot of helpful tips and suggestions that you can try out bit by bit, starting immediately.

Long term: specifically for the public speaking, consider joining Toastmasters, it's a supportive environment where you can work on this skill and there are many local groups around the UK.

Or, maybe consider some kind of 'presentation skills' course?

Also maybe interesting to investigate some Meetup groups. Often there are ones for people who are not strong in socilising, to get together in a supportive enviornment, work on your small talk skills, etc.

Hope this helps. Around 15 years ago I decided to take a public speaking course before I started uni, as I knew public speaking was my weak point (hated presentations, shaking voice, etc.). I decided to make my weakness into a strong point and it absolutely turned my life around and overflowed into other areas where speaking/personal interaction was important, such as work meetings. Currently, I even do public speaking for work engagements, at professional groups in my industry.

Lastly, regarding the interview, don't forget to smile, that always helps.

jimmy2times

I can relate to most if your OP.
I lack confidence. I don't know how it started, really. I 've always had loads and loads of friends etc. I don't know why I am the way that I am. It *may* have began when I developed quite bad cystic acne on my face which robbed me of any confidence whatsoever for a few years. I got that fixed with powerful drugs in the end, but the root of my issues seem to remain I guess.

I've turned down the role of 'best man' at various friends weddings 3 times now! I would be a stuttering, mumbling mess giving a best man speech.

Job interviews are the most nerve-wracking experience in the world. I fall apart to the point where it's almost comical....even to me! They could ask me me the simplest question and I completely freeze!

I'm not actually that bad in general social situations though, and can, to en extent, fool people into believing I am a normal, functioning person!

The other area where it has held me back is making conversations, particularly with girls. I can muster up the confidence to say 'hi' (which actually lots of people can't seem to do) but after one question, maybe about how their night is going or something, the conversation comes to an abrubt end. Any luck I've had with girls over the years has been to them finding me attractive (god knows why) and basically pulling me (rather than me pulling them!)

I'm not sure that there's really a solution. I've never tried drugs/beta blockers, although definitely think they could help me in *some* situations. Say, a driving test or something.

I also think speech therapy would help me. (I can't slow down my rate of speech no matter how hard I try, and seem to struggle with certain words)
But, I really don't have the time or money to begin that. I'd also be very nervous about the whole process...almost like a job interview!

It's a sorry situation.

I can only wish you good luck!!

Dunroamin

I'd suggest a course of hypnotherapy.

HeatherintheHills

Find a local drama teacher and book a few private lessons, then when you feel ready, enrol in an adult class.

It is hard work at first but it will teach you how to appear more confident in situations where you are not, and eventually, you become more confident as a result of that.

Don't expect to enjoy it all of the time, but if you find a half decent, properly qualified teacher, persevere with it. The skills you learn will be useful to you for the rest of your life.

I am often quite literally shaking inside when I'm faced with some new situations but it no longer shows, and knowing it doesn't show really improves my confidence levels and enables me to deal with the situation.

I don't imagine it will work for everyone, but I definitely recommend giving it a try.

firefly369

Bride2be have you tried taking the personality test at http://www.mypersonality.info/ it sounds like you may be an introverted personailty. If you understand own personality a bit better you will be able to see your strengths (and hopefully gain some confidence from seeing yourself in a positive light).

I believe that all personailties have different natural gifts that come easily to us and then there are the skills we have to learn to get to where we want to be or what we want to achieve.

For you (and for me - 100% introverted) talking on the telephone is a useful skill we have to learn but doesn't come naturally to us. I also prefer a handful of close friends rather than a long list of 'buddies'.

If you do turn out to be an intorvert I would really recommend 'The Introvert Advantage' for learning some of those skills both in the workplace and in your everyday life.

gibson123

I help people increase confidence and the first and most important things to consider are:

1. everyone lacks confident!! Even the most outgoing and popular people lack confidence, even those that make a fortune out of public speaking lack confidence. Everyone who has ever described themselves as "confident and outgoing" reads this and then doubts themselves.

2. Confidence is like energy it goes up and down depending on the situation and challenges. it is also related to energy, if you are tired or ill, you will feel less confident.

3. You increase your confidence like you increase your fitness, one step at a time and through achievable goals and challenges.

How to get more confidence.

1. Act more confident - observe people who look confident to you, how do they act, what do they say, how do they stand. Then try to be a little more like them. Visualise how you would look if you were "confident" then become that person.

2. Give yourself a confidence goal each day. - do something that you find difficult, start small, smile at a stranger, make a call you are dreading, complain about a service.

3. Keep practising, the more you practise the better you will get at "confidence".

ali-t

There are loads of wee tricks that can help you to appear more confident even if you don't feel it on the inside.

First is to 'act like you are' confident/sexy/powerful/attractive/friendly or whatever you want to be. Although it will initially feel really fake, when you get each positive response back it becomes easier and easier until it becomes integrated into your personality. If you 'act like you are' people will believe that you are - honest!

Another tip to help is to think about someone you admire, in your case someone who has the ease an confidence you want and ask yourself how they would handle the situation. A friend of mine has for years done this and regularly asks herself, 'what would Madonna do?'

Even Beyonce has to channel someone/thing else to be fully bootylicious! Her alter ego is Sasha fierce and until Beyonce became confident enough to drop the alter ego a year or so ago, it was her helper to get over shyness. Maybe you need to find your own version of Sasha fierce?

In the meantime Google living life to the full and you will find an online CBT programme to help change those limiting beliefs. Good luck

bride2be2012

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I'll check out some of the reading suggestions and see how I get on.

I_wanna_live_for_free

I've found I'm far more confident at work now since one of my colleagues said that I'm never fazed by anything and take everything in my stride!

Before that I on occasion had been a quivering wreck inside LOL but I obviously hid that well :rotfl:

Good luck next Thursday, OP.