Debt Consolidation

angelsmomma

I don't think you are getting what everyone is saying. They do not NEED a landline or tv package. They do not NEED expensive mobile packages. They NEED to get rid of all the things they don't NEED. They want all these things but so do a lot of people who don't have them because they can't afford them.



Please, they will not get this while you are doing all this.

They have to see someone themselves.

angelsmomma

I also don't want to sound harsh but you really are not helping them by doing this. It is just extending the misery because there is nothing you can do to fix this.

somethingcorporate

Yep, personally I think you are overstepping the mark as a "friend".

You are not their parent or their keeper. You can offer support and advice but you should not be taking any kind of control of other mentally capable adult's financial situation, least of all "friends".

I cannot help feel that by stepping back it will protect you in the long run.

Some financial situations are bound to unravel even if you do intervene and then you will end up with blame and no friends, through your best intentions.

Sorry if this is harsh but this is really the way I see it.

barbarawright

Jo4 wrote: »

The friend's debt in my signature is a different friend. The friend in my signature told the friend who I am currently trying to help that I had helped them out of so much debt so this friend thought I could do the same for them. If you had read any of my previous posts you would know that I have no children were as this friend has 6! I do think I would have noticed if I had been pregnant never mind give birth to 6 children! :eek: Also I have no debt so I don't know how I could have accumulated all this debt. :mad:

BTW if you had taken the time to read any of my previous posts/threads I started that I am normally attempting to help someone else because I never know when I might need their help and any way I always thought that friends were supposed to help each other out!?!

I think you've been a very good friend to them and have given excellent advice and practical help. But you are now in danger of becoming an enabler

Everyone but you finds it absolutely extraordinary that these people have an overspend of £400 a month, and have a financial problem that has been building for years (I would guess since the decision or otherwise to have a third pair of childen but I'm not in any way criticising that decision), but expect you to sort it out overnight (literally) because you gave good advice to another friend who has clearly been pegging away at her debts for years. I'm sure you can see how unreasonable that is. Nobody is telling you to drop these friends but only they can sort their finances and changing their phone packages, while necessary, isn't going to solve the problem. It's going to take them a long time to dig themselves out of this hole and it's not going to be easy. There's lots you can do to help, (inviting them to dinner, looking after the kids to give them a break etc) but taking over their finances really isn't one of them

Jo4

angelsmomma wrote: »

I don't think you are getting what everyone is saying. They do not NEED a landline or tv package. They do not NEED expensive mobile packages. They NEED to get rid of all the things they don't NEED. They want all these things but so do a lot of people who don't have them because they can't afford them.

Please, they will not get this while you are doing all this.

They have to see someone themselves.

Last night most of the children were there so I attempted to speak to her by herself while he was minding the children. I told her Sky needed cancelled and imho there and then was as good a time as any to cancel and let everyone get used to not having Sky. I told her that their landline package needed changed and she said she is going to do that. I said the tumble dryer needed to stop being used and put airers in front of the fire with the clothes on them after the younger children have gone to bed and then they will not be pulling at the things and the airers will not fall on top of them (if it is wet outside). I said the mobiles needed reduced if possible but apparently he is still in contract. I said that the car should only leave the street if it was necessary and when it was out it should do as many jobs as possible. I said everyone needs to switch things of when they are not using them.

I was speaking to her mother yesterday again and she was saying that sometimes when the children have had their dinner and that it is only him and her that are to get dinner she goes to the local shop and buys cooked potatoes from a hot food counter at 80p a scoop and him and her gets 3 each. Apparently they then go home and have them with a packet of soup. :mad: I just about had it when I heard that.

She was starting to cry last night because he cannot get a job, he will not sell the van and he will not stop smoking. I said I knew what I would do - he could either do without the van and cigs or get out because at the end of the day this would help them to reduce their debt and what he is spending on cigs would put some food on the table for the children. :mad: Her response "It is because of the person I am married to that I am in this situation". :mad:

Jo4

barbarawright wrote: »

Everyone but you finds it absolutely extraordinary that these people have an overspend of £400 a month, and have a financial problem that has been building for years (I would guess since the decision or otherwise to have a third pair of childen but I'm not in any way criticising that decision), but expect you to sort it out overnight (literally) because you gave good advice to another friend who has clearly been pegging away at her debts for years.

I do find it extraordinary but I cannot understand their outlook at it as if it will disappear overnight. She is really worried and it seems he is leaving her to sort the mess. If I was in their situation I could not sleep or eat with worry as when I think of the situation they are in I feel sick!

I don't have children because of my health and the fear that I could not provide adequately for them. That is why every time I heard they were expecting another I thought oh no not again because the children's only entertainment is Sky, laptop and computer games. Cinema trips, holidays, days out are presents from relatives. Even if they get to the beach it is because one of their relatives has taken them.

barbarawright

Could your husband have a word with her husband? I realise getting a job isn't easy, especially when there's young kids to be looked after but perhaps he could be persuaded that there's nothing unmanly about shoving some potatos in the oven.

Jo4

barbarawright wrote: »

Could your husband have a word with her husband? I realise getting a job isn't easy, especially when there's young kids to be looked after but perhaps he could be persuaded that there's nothing unmanly about shoving some potatos in the oven.

He apparently has looked for jobs but he cannot get one at the minute. His brothers who are never out of work have been laid of too and they are looking for work as well. He has never been out of work before, this is the first time since she met him that he has been out of work. He looks after the children, puts the washing in the washing machine, will put it in tumble dryer, will make dinner, clean fire and put on fire. I don't honestly know what else he does.

Tixy

Like others who have posted - I think it would absolutely be better for them and better for you if you leave them to seek their own advice now. You have advised them where to seek help, and hopefully told them that they do need professional advice on this.

But I suspect from the way you are still posting that you won't do that. In which case I would suggest starting a thread on the debt free wannabe section of the forum.

There is little point in this thread continuing about small reductions in their outgoings, that you are already aware need to be made, when it is not you the advice is for.

[Deleted User]

What does the "Other child related expenses" (that they are spending £1,000+ pa on) consist of?