Need help just with life really...

Jo_R_2

I have recently become a single parent and it has made me reassess my whole life - almost like a midlife crisis I suppose.

I have two children, aged three and 8 months, and I am renting a house in a nice area, but which is probably a little too expensive for us now. I work four days a week in a job which whilst I used to enjoy immensely and was hugely convenient due to location, I am now finding increasingly difficult as I was relocated and my travelling has increased two-and-a-half-fold. My extra travel is being reimbursed for six months (Jan to June) as I was technically made redundant but after this I will have to pay the whole lot, which is going to make a sizeable dent in my reduced income.

I am off work with 'stress and anxiety'. I have a very supportive GP who really listens; however I visited him today to review my situation, he signed me off again for another couple of weeks but after talking about anti depressants he refuses to prescribe them as I am breastfeeding. He thinks they would be a definite option and I do after a lot of consideration (I have taken them before and am in two minds generally.) After doing a LOT of research I would be happy to take certain ones which have been researched to show minimal effects in my baby but he will not even consider this. Not sure how to feel about it.

I am nearly 30, in a poorly paying job which means no prospect of being able to buy a home in the next few years, especially now I am on my own. I have a Master's degree and could be earning such a lot more but finding something which pays well and suits me for the kids is hard (I finish early every afternoon to go and feed baby at nursery, then do the rest of my work at home.) I want to avoid full-time work just because I want to spend time with my kids, especially now their dad isn't around.

It's really hit me recently - I've been single for just over a month and whilst the stress of my relationship has disappeared and it feels right to move on, (it was a mutual decision), I have realised just how empty I feel. I soldier on with the children, but every time I actually get some time to myself I simultaneously like the break but hate how lonely I feel - ironic seeing as ex was hardly ever home which was part of the problem!

I feel I have wasted years of my life at uni only to not use them (I wanted to go into lecturing but decided prior to my PhD I wasn't as good as the other students I studied with.) I feel I had so much potential - I was a star pupil at school- and think people would be surprised if they found out how much I actually earn for what I do, which is not much. I love my children so much but feel like a terrible mother sometimes, I am so often cross and picky about stupid things and it breaks me inside when I see my three year old's face. I hate myself when I watch her sleep and think she is so innocent and loves her mummy and I spend most of my time telling her off.

Sometimes it is a real achievement just to have a shower and wash my hair, so when I'm having a bad day I think about what I have done that day to make me feel better. I just need something to make me feel good about things right now.

Sorry for bringing everyone down

Justie

First off, has your GP offered you any counselling? What you need at the moment is support not drugs... you may well have some PND as well as grieving for your relationship (even if it's a mutual decision you're still feeling bereft). This is perfectly understandable and doesn't make you a crap parent or lacking in any way it will just take you some time to get your life back on track again. If you can get counselling then you'll have an hour a week of you time where you can talk all these things through and feel listened to and cherished.

On the work front I would make an appointment with some recruitment consultants or a jobs agency and see what's available for the same wage with your skills nearer to where you live. Right now I wouldn't move house again as it'll unsettle you and the children but if you can get your career back on track then it might mean you have more options a few years down the line.

Do you have friends and family around who can babysit for you while you go out? It's worth making an effort to do something for yourself at least once a week that's outside work and home. Start an evening class, go to a gym or dance class (says me who'd never go to a dance class in my life :rotfl: ) but do something fairly structured but where you meet new people and learn a new skill or polish up an old one as this will give you confidence.

And go easy on yourself! You're having a hard time at the moment there's bound to be times when you're down and being a single parent is hard work.

Bestthingsinlifearefree

Hi Jo R,

Just want to say you sound very strong (though you may not feel like it).

To work and bring up 2 children is a major achievement. Lots of us feel we have wasted the years or not reached our potential.Thats life we go down many different paths.

Is your ex - supporting you / the children emotionally and financially?

This is the start of a whole new chapter in your life. You are young and have so much before you and your children.

You have been through big changes in the last year new baby and separating from your OH so to feel out of sorts is not surprising.

Try to be a positive as you can and make small steps forward.

I wish you well.

snowmaid

I am not being patronising when I say you are a very strong person. Like someone has asked, is there anyone that can take your babies off your hands now and again? Even couples need a break from the little ones. Can you do work from home? Not sure what type of degree you have?

If you have a family member you can rely on, rope them in to assist in giving you time off.

dianadors

I'm not a big fan of running to the GP at times like this. In theory, it should work, but in reality they tend to prescribe drugs and whilst they numb the pain - sometimes you have to work through the pain to get to the other side, and drugs can delay emotional recovery. What you need is good friends. I know that when you have kids, you sometimes lose touch, but do you have anyone at all that you can cry to, and that will listen to you? If you do get time to yourself, dont be on your own - invite someone round - do what you have to do to surround yourself with supportive people. I'd look for another job if I were you. Dont sell yourself short. I know that it takes an effort to shower and do your hair, but make more effort to do this as it will brighten you up. Treat yourself - be good to yourself. It will make you feel better. You are in the very early stages of your new life, and splitting up is almost like dealing with a death - you are in mourning. This is the worst time for you, so know that things will get better. Your kids are very young, and know nothing but love for you. When they are older, they will be proud of you too. Get help from anywhere you can.

Best Wishes

carbonel

I think you are doing well just as you are at the moment. As other people have said it's enough on your plate to be working and looking after two children. You can save the world next week!
I've been there. Two young children in a one bedroom second floor flat over a chip shop, working in a care home, and with an Honours degree to my name. It's taken a while but I am now in a job I love, the kids are grown and flown, I have a good relationship and everything is okay.
Have faith in yourself, don't try to do it all at once and you will get there. The first priority is you and the children. Reassess what is really important to you, and prioritise. Take baby steps, and look after yourself. Get help and support wherever you can and don't be afraid to ask for help - we all need it sometimes.
Keep posting on this site, there's so many lovely, supportive people out there that you never feel really on your own, someone will always reply to you and get things in perspective for you when you can't see things too clearly yourself.
Good Luck!

Kimitatsu

Hey Jo

Firstly you are doing a brilliant job as a mum whatever you may think, I was in a very similar situation to you 5 years ago brand new baby and a toddler and my ex decided he didnt want to be a dad anymore.

Have you registered to see if you can get a housing association house? It may mean a move in the future, but in reality it takes a while for them to come through and you can always say no if you get to the top of the list. Also ring up your local job centre and ask for an appointment with a lone parent advisor, they are usually excellent and can help you out with jobs, travel allowances and a myriad of benfits that you wouldn't otherwise know about.

The feelings you are going through are all perfectly normal, so dont feel bad. You are hurting from the break up and bringing up kids on your own feels like a huge responsibility, but there are lots of other people out there who are going through the same thing. Have you thought about contacting one of the local charities such as Sure Start who will send you round just someone to talk to and help out with the kids a couple of times a week? They are a lifeline, and there are many families who have used their services, who are in your situation.

In my opinion you haven't wasted those years at Uni, my grandfather used to say the only thing they cant take away from you is your education and he was right. I have a degree and it still opens doors that would have otherwise been closed; right now it seems bleak but there are lots of companies out there who practice flexible working, and as a mum of children under 6, you have a right to request that.

I know everything looks pretty bleak right now, but dont be so hard on yourself, try and get some time for yourself out with another adult, kids are fantastic but sometimes we all need a bit of company, and just try to take one day at a time for now. In a few months you will look back and think how on earth did I get through that, but you will have. I was where you are 5 years ago, and now I have a new partner, new job, new house and even now there are days when I question myself, but as Carbonel says, it made me think about the important things and not sweat the small stuff. Tell your kids you love them every day and give them a cuddle and they will soon forget the tellings off.

Take care of yourself and the rest will come.

nats3006

no real advice just to say keep your head up and good luck you will get through it just think if you feel that down there is only one way up!!!
good luck
x

narnia2000

Have you considere part-time tutoring for OU it's flexible both timewise and location, you work mainly from home.....the pay isn't brilliant but it might do as a top-up.

poe.tuesday

HI Jo

anti depressants are not the cure, they just stop the symptoms, surely your Doctor should be trying to assist you in getting to the route of the depression, then you can beat it all together, rather than possibly spending years on anti depressions tabs that really just put you into an altered state, I think you should be offered councilling first and then take it from there

as regards to money, I know that it is important but also time with your children is also important, teh richest children of all are those who have time with their family, not objects.

As you have a degree, would you not think about doing teacher training, it would take you a year, it fits in very, very well with being a mum as you will be able to drop the children at school, pick them up, be off during the holidays etc, you will also be on a good wage so you can go forward with your life and get a home etc, there are also grants out there to assist you with your training. You may not want to be a teacher but have a think about it as it does not always have to be with children if that is not the route you want to take. I know it will be hard to start with, especially as you have such a young baby but it will be one year, just one year that will give you a future.

Do you have a good network of friends and family that can help you, not only with the possiblity of training for a new job but also to give you time away from your children, sometimes being with children 24/7 does drive you mad, nothing wrong with feeling that way now and again.

It's all very new, you being by yourelf and thsi massive life change but it will get better but you have to want it to and that's something that I got from your post, you want things to get better and soon, you seem positive despite some of your feelings.

Life can be as good or bad as you want it to, you want it to be good so keep positive, take one step at a time, it's your life and you can choose what you want it to be like

good luck girl

Jo_R_2

Thankyou all so much for your lovely replies. I am so touched that complete strangers would sit down and spend time trying to make me feel better about myself, what can I say... :T :T :T

Today has turned out to be a good day. Ex came round to see the kids for the first time in nearly three weeks, oldest was so happy, I waved them off as they went to go to the park and she looked like she didn't have a care in the world walking off holding her daddy's hand. It makes me feel all warm inside to know she was so happy

I have realised I am in a kind of mourning, the whole life I had pictured before me is now a haze, and I am having to readjust that picture of the future, not knowing what it should look like. What I do know though is that I have had the strength to keep my little family going, I don't know where that has come from but I have done it so far, and like has been said, it can only get better from now. Had I been asked a year ago if I thought I could cope on my own I would have said "no way", but here I am, I have done it and I continue to do it every day. It's not easy but who said kids are?

Work is a factor I need to assess. Yes they are convenient and family friendly, however the travel really gets me down and the extra cost will hit us hard once I have to start paying my own travel to and from work. I have been there nearly three years and after baby #2 was hoping for promotion; however no opportunities have come up and I feel stagnant. I am doing a job that I love because it makes a difference to people who otherwise wouldn't have the support we offer; but I feel the challenge is gone, I need something to get my teeth into. Maybe if I could see that within my reach I woudl feel differently about work and could get over the relocation if I knew there were immediate prospects and a pay rise in it; however from what I can see there will be nothing in the next six months. So I need to think about other options, I just can't stick it like that indefinitely. Study is one thing I have been thinking about, either for midwifery or teaching, both of which I will be looking into.

Thankyou again, I feel a lot more positive this evening. I know I won't immediately feel all better but to know there is a future I can enjoy with my children gives me something to focus on.