Dumping my bridemaids....anyone done this and regretted it?

bubbles0169

I dunno mrscow, I can imagine when my friend gets married hat family will peron sat its not a good day for them so can they change it?!!!

reformedEffortmaker

mrcow wrote: »

How many family members have said his to you?

If it's more than one, you need to consider that there could be an element of truth about it.

(Don't shoot the messenger!)

Two family members. They work together and one is easily led. Of course when I ask what I have asked them to do that has been so streneous, there is no reply. I havent actually asked anyone except OH to go out of their way for anything (and I would think he agrees its in his interests to help)

1. When we went bridesmaid shopping, I picked up and dropped off all the London BMs, driving 45 miles in London traffic over three days and paid for the train fare for those coming further, as well as paying for all their meals and snacks on the three weekends.
2. I bought my wedding dress on my own in the end as on our first visit one BM was an hour late (despite the shop giving us a special appointment on a day they are usually closed) and the second BM was rude to the shop owner and basically told her she hated all her dresses. As a result, the shop keeper lost interest in helping and I ended up too embarrased to go back and bought my dress from another shop

If BMs cant help you chose a dress, cant organise a Hen party and become mega fussy about their own dresses, what is the point?

reformedEffortmaker

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I would tell your bridemaids that you realise that it is impossible for them all to find something they would love to wear at a price you can afford and would much rather they enjoyed wearing their own outfits and and enjoy your happy day without the stress of duties......
But of course, don't use language like dumping or sacking, use positive language, like, I think you will be so much happier not having to be a bridemaid etc etc........Don't get sucked in to tantrums or tears and please don't do it by text! But do do it..

Very good advice, thank you. I spoke to one of the BMs today, (the one I wanted to keep), didnt really say how I was feeling, but she said unprompted that she was surprised at how "diva like" some of the others had been and admired by patience, little did she know I was busy ranting my head off on here :o:o
Will let you know how I get on with the others tomorrow.....

reformedEffortmaker

Thriftygifty wrote: »

I cant see you finding a dress that suits a size 6 that is the same as a size 24, different dresses I would say would be your only option if you do decide to keep them?

I think that's the sticking point. I didnt want the size 24 BM to feel even more self conscious by getting her to wear a different dress to the others, but the reality is, even if she wore the same one as everyone else she would look so different and it would be hard for people not to make comparisions.

weesmiler

You have quite the situation! 5 bridesmaids is a lot, and at over £300 a piece for the dresses, not very MSE!! I broke off a wedding 2 years ago, not over bridesmaids but grooms family were controlling everything.

When I do eventually get married, I will be paying for it myself and making decisions I can afford and that I am happy with.

In 10 years time, when you look at your wedding photos, who do you want to see?

Good luck x

Idiophreak

reformedEffortmaker wrote: »

eventually we found a dress which was NOT in the colour I wanted (they picked a Navy Dress and I wanted Silver/Charcoal to match my theme ) and was three times what I had budgeted for them each. Despite daily searches on ebay, gumtree, preloved etc, I cant find any to buy second hand. If it was just a case of paying full price, I could do so begrudgingly, but I am annoyed because I made my budget clear to them before we started looking (£120 per BM)

I know it's not really the point of the thing, but we went to our local bridal shop and got them to knock up a dress for each of the bridesmaids in a style that suited them individually. All used the same material, so matched perfectly and saved all of this aggravation (which we saw coming a mile off ) I think they worked out around £150 each, so much cheaper than your current option.

Re the hen do, send an email to them all and say "just a reminder that the date (XXX) chosen for the hen do isn't very far away - is there anything you need from me" and see what they say.

faithless

Jeesh, I'd ditch them. I'd say call a meeting but as it seems too difficult for them all to turn up together I'd just send a mass email and say the wedding's getting too big, you want to rein it in, therefore you're scrapping your numerous BMs plan. They ate all still invited and welcome on the hen do, but you realise now you wanted to involve everyone but it doesn't work. Separately ask your not crazy one if she'll be your only BM.

I'm glad I didn't get carried away, I picked 2 reliable friends as my BMs, was tempted to ask a few more of my friends, but thought it would be too unwieldy to organise everyone. I wanted BMs that could help me, not ones I'd have to manage carefully, or I'd probably strangle them!

Yellowstar_2

Idiophreak wrote: »

I know it's not really the point of the thing, but we went to our local bridal shop and got them to knock up a dress for each of the bridesmaids in a style that suited them individually. All used the same material, so matched perfectly and saved all of this aggravation (which we saw coming a mile off ) I think they worked out around £150 each, so much cheaper than your current option.

I was just about to suggest much the same thing! Can you get different dresses (in a shop or made-to-order) in different styles but the same colours/materials?

You could even give each BM the job of finding her own dress - you specify the colour (e.g. silver, and perhaps "what kind" of silver), and budget (they can make up the shortfall if they would like something more expensive) and off they go! Just make sure they send you a photo and get the nod from you before paying (or check the returns policy and then show you in person, as long as they understand they might have to return it). They'd all be in (roughly) the same colour, but not necessarily the same style, and all comfortable. If two come up with the same style, see if the others agree to all go for the same thing. Or perhaps if they all have slightly different dresses - they could all have the same pashmina so they're obviously a "group".

I must say though - I wouldn't blame you if you dumped them. IMHO, a bride needs help and support, and BMs who toe the line. Have you explained to them that you're finding this difficult and it's not fun? It's not the BMs job to tell you they don't like the dress you've chosen for them. They should turn up on the day with a smile on their face ready to hold your bouquet when you ask them to, regardless.

I've been a BM for my best friend. I'm naturally very shy (but hide it reasonably), and the other BMs were several sizes smaller than me (identical dresses), and honestly I felt like the ugly stepsister. So I do know how the larger BM might be feeling, and it would be very nice of you to try to make sure they all feel happy in what they're wearing. But in the end, it's your decision and they should respect it. I never breathed a word to the bride I was BM for, and never will (and my ex and his new gf were going to the wedding and I was going solo, so I really did feel pretty awful).

Yellowstar x

Meadows

With eleven weeks to go still ample time to put your foot firmly down with all, not just your bridesmaids.

It is your day and should be how you - THE COUPLE - want it and not whatothers would like.

Say firmly to Mum, Dad & Mother-in-Law sorry but this is not what I want (our daughter gets married in less than six weeks, having a simple wedding withthe small amount of guest they want, it is not our or anyone’s place to say she should have more than she is having).

As for your bridesmaids, you have a budget and a colour scheme and you should stick to it!

I appreciate that the larger girl does not want to be in a 'floaty' dress and nothing sucks you in, all it does is pushes the excess elsewhere so even more reason to feel self-conscious, perhaps a little more thought was needed with the style of dress and the size of the bridesmaids before asking them to be a bridesmaid.
Just because she voices a concern and you try to be fair and understanding it does not give the others the right to make their demands.

Can you not go back to the original choices of dress for the other four and help the larger bridesmaid pick a dress that would tie in with your colour schemeand budget. Yes she will be dressed differently but she will feel far more comfortable and less self-conscious in a flattering dress (what about two in one style andthree in another even?).

When it comes to the Hen night do you have a lead bridesmaid? By lead I mean have you told one specific bridesmaid that you would like her to take charge ofensuring that they are all ready and on time, things go without a hitch (they are not there just to look pretty, they have a role to play) and also the one who can get the others to ’Help’ arrange the Hen Night and also ensure she knows to tell the others what is a definite no go and what you find acceptable.

no1gymbunny

Wow. What a situation to be in. Very difficult. I got a married a year ago next Monday and there was a lot of stress (mainly for me) as we live in Scotland and the wedding was taking place 400 miles away in England and my three bridesmaids were in 3 completely different areas of the UK. Also annoyingly, I am very pale and don't tan and one of my bridesmaids went on holiday for two weeks immediately prior to the wedding and came back with an awesome tan! I made sure we didn't stand next to each other for the pics!

Re the dresses - as mentioned previously choose a colour and the dresses can be different styles. BHS do a lovely range of dresses in varying colours and styles and as we're now coming out of "wedding season", they'll be in the sale too. Also, buy them via Quidco and earn yourself a cheeky bit of cashback! ;-) I wish now that I had not used one of my BMs as she became difficult, asking if I'd choose a different dress, but I put my foot down and said "this is the dress I've chosen". She, of course, then complained that she's a size 10 and would never wear a 12 and the size 10 dress I'd ordered her was snug. I suggested she had the 12 taken in which she eventually did, but it was taken in too far and she spent most of the day with the top three inches of the back of her dress unzipped! (Annoying, but secretly I thought "payback!" - bad really isn't it?!).

Looking back on things now, it really isn't worth all the stress. This day is about you and your fiance making a commitment to each other. Forget all the rest. Do what is the best thing for you. Good luck xx