Dumping my bridemaids....anyone done this and regretted it?

reformedEffortmaker

All, I am at my wits end with 4 out of 5 bridesmaids and am now considered asking them to “stand down”. Please could someone tell me if they have ever dumped a bridesmaid, and if so, on reflection did you regret it? (sorry in advance for long rant)
I picked my bridesmaid as my two sisters, my best friend, my best friends daughter and a close family friend of husband-to-be. Partly because I knew they would all be expecting to be asked and I didn’t want to have the awkward conversation, and partly because I wanted to have an excuse to get closer to my sisters, partly my younger one that I don’t see very often).
Problem 1
The BMs range in dress size from size 6 to a size 24 and the size 24 BM refused to wear the dress I had initially picked due to feeling self conscious in it (it was a ‘floaty’ fabric which she felt made her tum and bum look bigger, although I think with a pair of Spanx she would have looked fine). As I didn’t want someone at my wedding feeling uncomfortable, I agreed to look at other dresses. This then gave the other four the opportunity to start making demands. We then spent 3 whole Saturdays covering various shopping centres and boutiques in London until eventually we found a dress which was NOT in the colour I wanted (they picked a Navy Dress and I wanted Silver/Charcoal to match my theme ) and was three times what I had budgeted for them each. Despite daily searches on ebay, gumtree, preloved etc, I cant find any to buy second hand. If it was just a case of paying full price, I could do so begrudgingly, but I am annoyed because I made my budget clear to them before we started looking (£120 per BM), AND because I now have to change the groomsmen’s waistcoats and possibly the whole colour scheme just to accommodate them)
Problem 2
I get married in 11 weeks and despite a number of hints, they haven’t even given a second thought to my hen night, none of them are known for their planning skills, but I am now annoyed that I am going to end up planning my own hen party, and as I am not a drinker and don’t want a boozey night out, they will only moan about what I do pick

I only ever wanted a small wedding and have been pressured by my dad, mum, mum-in-law and BM’s to having something bigger than planned. I still haven’t sent out the invitations as the frustration that this is not “my wedding” is causing me to procrastinate. When I have tried to talk with family about this, I get told I am being selfish and “expect everyone to drop everything because I am getting married”, which I swear is not the case. OH has been observing the shenanigans for the last few months and today suggested I drop them. I spoke to my mum about this today and she swore I would regret it if I did. I am now worried that mum may be right and one day I will look back and regret not having any BMs, particularly my sisters . So, if anyone has ever done this, please could you tell me (1) how you dumped them, and (2) how it felt looking back?

Many Thanks in advance

Tigsteroonie

reformedEffortmaker wrote: »

I am now annoyed that I am going to end up planning my own hen party, and as I am not a drinker and don’t want a boozey night out, they will only moan about what I do pick

Personally I'd say you give very good reasons for arranging your own hen party - at least that way, you'd have the kind of party you want and not what they want.

irish.baby

a friend of mine had a similar problem, one bridesmaid even suggested changing the date of the wedding cos a different one would have suited her so much better!!!! but she kept them and was soo stressed and felt her wedding had gotten out of control and two days b4 her wedding wanted nothing more than to run away and elope just to escape the stress, she says she regrets not telling them to go and jump and the stress overshadowed the excitement leading up to the wedding.

honestly if it was me i'd get rid of them, say u'v thought about it and decided to downscale the wedding slightly because its too big and you dont lik it but they're still invited and you still really want them there.

dont let it stress you, its your wedding, your way!!!

Own_My_Own

Tell them you can't afford the dress's, and they will have to pay the difference. Say you will understand if they want to pull out over the cost, but you did tell them your budget.
With any luck you may not have to dump them.

Brighton_belle

No I haven't done this, but what i do think you will regret is not having your wedding the way you want it.
I would, from today, stop discussing your wedding with all the unhelpful people, start form scratch and just have the simple wedding you want.
We had a vey simple wedding and did things the way we wanted, (which for us included no hen nights or stag nights, no official photographer, no cars, no bridesmaids, best man or ushers. It was stress free and very happy and everyone smiled and laughed and cried.
No regrets.

I would tell your bridemaids that you realise that it is impossible for them all to find something they would love to wear at a price you can afford and would much rather they enjoyed wearing their own outfits and and enjoy your happy day without the stress of duties.
It's not like you are sacking just one, but at least 4 of them.
But of course, don't use language like dumping or sacking, use positive language, like, I think you will be so much happier not having to be a bridemaid etc etc.

Don't get sucked in to tantrums or tears and please don't do it by text! But do do it.

People who throw around accusations of 'selfishness' frequently have no sense of irony in that they are imposing their own wishes on someone else and manipulating someone else to feeling bad.
Your OH is right: 'shenaningins' is the word. Opt out.

poet123

Rather than dump them straight away I would call a meeting and air your (understandable) issues.

First off, tell them that the dresses they want are over budget, and that you simply cannot afford the extra cost and ask them to contribute.

Secondly, don't stress about the hen night. I knew from the off my bridesmaids would not be up to it, or do what I wanted so I organised my own. I had what I wanted and everyone enjoyed it. It can be done relatively easily with maybe a spa day at a hotel with dinner and overnight stay.

These people are your family and close friends, tell it like it is, cry if you have to, and they will see how ridiculous they are being or they will save you the bother of dumping them and back out.

Pennywise2012

I've not been through it, but this is how I personally would handle it.

I wouldn't dump them, but I sure as s*** wouldn't be giving into them either!

I would go down the road of insisting that bridesmaids wear the dresses you want, but making it clear that if anyone doesn't want to be a bridesmaid any more, you honestly, truly won't be annoyed with them.

I'd then approach the chief bridesmaid (or appoint one if the original one quit!) and tell them that they have to plan the hen night, and you want X, Y and Z.

It's your wedding, not theirs, and being asked to be a bridesmaid is an honour. I wouldn't sack them, I would just be very clear and firm about what is expected and offer them the retribution-free opportunity to step down if they feel it's not for them. I really think that's fair to all concerned.

Also, I know this is going to sound harsh, but I really can't come up with a tactful way of saying it. If someone is a size 24, they are very fat, and there is absolutely no outfit in the world that's going to disguise that. So I'm not convinced that her dress size should be the key point in deciding what all 5 bridesmaids should wear. I apologise if that upsets anyone.

Thriftygifty

This probably wont go down very well... but I do understand the BM who is size 24 feeling uncomfortable in floaty dress, I am a size 16 and quite consious about my weight even though i'm not that big some dresses make me look massive! However that isnt your problem. How about telling them the colour/showing them the colour that YOU want not them and saying go and find a dress within MY budget, maybe they could have different dresses that suit each of them but go together like shades i've seen some lovely photos where each BM is unique, then say to them anything over my budget they pay the extra and thats it if they dont like it feel free to drop out. Step up or step out kinda thing!!! And if they dont ditch them, but maybe try to turn it on them so that they think it's their idea that they are dropping out kinda thing?

As for hen party...I dont drink either and know how you feel, i've taken the easy route and told everyone i'm not having one, I cant deal with other peoples drama, then my mum and my sister and I are going to do something on the quiet

Thriftygifty

Pennywise2012 wrote: »

I've not been through it, but this is how I personally would handle it.

I wouldn't dump them, but I sure as s*** wouldn't be giving into them either!

I would go down the road of insisting that bridesmaids wear the dresses you want, but making it clear that if anyone doesn't want to be a bridesmaid any more, you honestly, truly won't be annoyed with them.

I'd then approach the chief bridesmaid (or appoint one if the original one quit!) and tell them that they have to plan the hen night, and you want X, Y and Z.

It's your wedding, not theirs, and being asked to be a bridesmaid is an honour. I wouldn't sack them, I would just be very clear and firm about what is expected and offer them the retribution-free opportunity to step down if they feel it's not for them. I really think that's fair to all concerned.

Also, I know this is going to sound harsh, but I really can't come up with a tactful way of saying it. If someone is a size 24, they are very fat, and there is absolutely no outfit in the world that's going to disguise that. So I'm not convinced that her dress size should be the key point in deciding what all 5 bridesmaids should wear. I apologise if that upsets anyone.

Size 24 is very large but maybe she wasnt saying she needs a dress to disguise her size but maybe one that doesnt add more weight onto her so much? I'm size 16 and look about a size 20 in a floatly dress. There are many companies out there who are suited to the larger people which seem to becoming more frequent (which isnt a good thing) so there will be a dress which will suit her size/shape, but I cant see you finding a dress that suits a size 6 that is the same as a size 24, different dresses I would say would be your only option if you do decide to keep them?

puffinmuffin

Regarding the hen do, is there someone else you can ask to do it? I didn't have my bridesmaids do it, by best friend had loads on her plate already and my sisters were a bit reluctant. I got two other close friends to do it, the girls i go on nights out with who knew best what i would enjoy. They did a great job and it was a nice way of including them as i didn't want any more bridesmaids.

I totally agree with Thriftygifty, you may have to stand your ground on budget or get them to help. Is different dresses something you will consider?

Remember, being a bridesmaid is about supporting the bride, if they cannot fill that role they should step down!

mrcow

reformedEffortmaker wrote: »

When I have tried to talk with family about this, I get told I am being selfish and “expect everyone to drop everything because I am getting married”, which I swear is not the case.

How many family members have said his to you?

If it's more than one, you need to consider that there could be an element of truth about it.

(Don't shoot the messenger!)