Recognising and changing behaviour

Lexxi

I was reading the narcisstic mothers thread last night and a few people posted about how the problems they encountered when they were growing up affected them later in life
Has anyone managed to undo their destructive behaviours once they have identified what it is and where it all started?

I'm sorry if this is a bit deep for a Saturday night but I'm due to start a course at the end of the month and I'm wanting to cancel it already, cancelling will make me feel bad for a while but I'll feel worse when I start the course, feel stupid and overwhelmed and stop going. It's not like it's even anything big! I'll then find another course in January or next September and repeat the process all over again.

I don't have a narcisstic mother, as far as I know, I do know where the behaviour starts from so I'm hoping that means I can get through it, with a little help, if anyone has suggestions...?

Alikay

Well, isn't cognitive behaviour therapy all about that sort of thing? People can and do learn to change their behaviour, and I think most of us become better at handling ourselves and our strange little ways as we get older.

I've certainly learned ways to modify some of my more troublesome traits, even if my mind still works in the same old way!

I think your panic about the course is one of those issues a lot of us have with taking on commitments that involve making changes, and often thinking of it in smaller chunks can help.

londonsurrey

I agree with Alikay. Ask your GP about CBT. It helps you go through things in very small steps, identifying problems and how to avoid negative unproductive reactions. They specialise in helping people through this kind of thing.

Miss_Havisham

I completed a course of CBT when at my worst with depression. I found it very effective although I had to work hard at it and found it overwhelming at times.

I actually did it on a computer programme called Beating the Blues which was easier and quicker to arrange (by my GP) than a face-to-face course. I can recommend it - the results are still working 7 years later.

Good luck xx

Lexxi

Thanks for the replies, my GP isn't particularly helpful, or sympathetic.
It's a bit more than just a quirk, I've been seeing a counsellor but I was hoping for a book or something, I think, as I'm not sure that the counselling will change the thought process that starts of the destruction. I think

Fire_Fox

You have the right to ask to see another GP within the practice or to switch practices altogether. I agree CBT may be the way forward.

Millie2008_2

I'm not sure that the counselling will change the thought process that starts of the destruction. I think

Counselling itself won't "change" it, but it can allow you both to explore your thought proceses, feelings and their origins together and this can be the catalyst for change Stick with the counselling as, although it's bloody hard work, change won't happen overnight

Good luck

belfastgirl23

I can also recommend CBT - I've been using it for something recently and it has made a huge difference to my own thinking. It gives you a range of tools to use in different situations. Where it differs from counselling is that it is focused on solutions. So helping you to figure out what you will do in particular situations and getting you to write it down and review it. There are lots of books on amazon, why not just see which are especially well reviewed and pick one.

At least you've identified the problem ahead of time though, that's a really great start.

Racheldevon

CBT has it's place, but I would second sticking with the personal therapy alongside any other therapeutic intervention. You can request to see another GP. you might also want to explore something like a Mindfulenss Based Cognitive Therapy course, often run by local universities in conjunciton with the NHS. Mindfulness practice will certainly increase your awareness of thoughts/sensations/feelings etc that may be the start of that destructive cycle, and learning to be in the present moment, non judgementally etc, may also be beneficial to you. However they are structured courses, that follow a particular structure, and the very nature of the programme often brings up other issues for people, perhaps due to increased awareness. I would continue with the counselling, but it's worth checking out your counsellor's theoretical orientation too (for example are they integrative, CBT, psychodynamic, gestalt etc etc)

DVardysShadow

Lexxi wrote: »

I ....I'm due to start a course at the end of the month and I'm wanting to cancel it already, cancelling will make me feel bad for a while but I'll feel worse when I start the course, feel stupid and overwhelmed and stop going. It's not like it's even anything big! I'll then find another course in January or next September and repeat the process all over again.

..... I do know where the behaviour starts from so I'm hoping that means I can get through it, with a little help, if anyone has suggestions...?

If you know where it starts from, surely you are half way to overcoming it?

Do you actually need or want to do the courses or are you putting yourself to them to try and prove a point to yourself?

skint_chick

I've done this a few times - started courses gone for a few weeks then decided I'd had a bad day/was tired/didn't feel sociable and once I hadn't been for one week it was even harder to go the next week so I gave up. It made me disappointed in myself and feel even more hopeless than I thought I was. This year I started a course I've been putting off 6 years that I really wanted. I wrote a list of reasons why I wanted to do the course and the results it would have for me and every week when I started to have thoughts of "I'll not go this week, maybe next week I'll be less tired/stressed/demotivated" I looked at my list and decided I would go and if I really really hated it I would make excuses once I had done an hour/half the class. Then I would get distracted and it would be over before I knew it. There were a few weeks I didn't go but I did go back because even if you look stupid or fail miserably - which is really unlikely if you actually turn up - at least I tried. I have a huge fear of failure and being outside my comfort zone and I did go to one on one counselling for 6 months to talk about the reasons behind this - a destructive relationship - and I do the same thing with my social life/work/all plans I make but now I just keep trying. You have to try and not let one thing going wrong spiral into complete disaster, and the more times you pick yourself up and get back to it the easier it becomes to not give up. I've even found myself trying new things more often now and even admitting that I have no clue at the start takes a lot of the pressure off and other people then start admitting they've no idea.

Maybe you could start off with a course that you know a little about rather than jumping in at the deep end? I also find the less time I have to think about whether I'm going to do something the easier it is so my course for this year started yesterday and I only signed up on Thursday so I didn't have weeks to think about how badly it would go.

Write down the reasons you're doing the course and the reasons why you'll succeed and keep trying. Good luck