Advice Please:Friend wanting to leave her husband but exceptional circumstances.

charliemaine1bee

Hi
Hope someone can help as my friend is so distraught and i really want to help her but am unsure where to tell her to turn to.
Shes been married 12 years and has 3 children.The 2 eldest have severe autism and will never lead independent lives.
Her marriage has broken down beyond repair.her husband is verbally abusive to her and the children.Social services are aware of his behaviour towards them.
Shes now reached the point where she cant bear to live with him any longer and feels her life would be more peaceful even though harder work with just her,the children and the carers that come to help on a daily basis.
Obviously in normal circumstances she said she would up sticks and move into a rented property but shes unable to with the boys,they are mortgaged and the house adapted accordingly.Her mortgage is around £1000 a month.She couldnt cope without his income towards the mortgage but she cant cope living with him and his temper any longer.
Would she be able to get any help with boys being as they are with keeping them in their home?as she couldnt move into a rented house and then set about having it adapted for how she has the house now.
Any help would be much appreciated.

pmlindyloo

Your friend needs to see a solicitor asap. She may be able to get help with the financial implications of this.

You can go to CAB for a list of solicitors in your area who provide Legal Aid for Family Law.

A solicitor will help your friend to get a court order so that your friend can remain in the house and not be 'molested' by her OH.

This matter is complicated by the fact that the house has been modified for the special needs of the children and it seems as if your friend cannot afford the mortgage on her own.

Your friend may be eligible for some benefits. Does she work at all?

Is she receiving any benefits at the moment?

To be honest, this is very complicated as regards the money side of things.

Let us know the current financial/work situation/age of children and we may be able to suggest which benefits she may be entitled to.

charliemaine1bee

Thank you for that.She doesn't work at the moment as the youngest child has just started school full time.The boys are 10.Her husband works full time and she gets an allowance for the carers coming twice a day and carers allowance,i dont know what else she gets financially.She just said she couldn't afford the mortgage on her own.She has found an email today suggesting he maybe plotting to go to Dubai.

RAS

Hi

She needs to put into the benefits calculator the possible situation if he leaves. www.turn2us.org.uk

She may get support for herself and all three children, mortgage Interest allowance, Council tax benefit, DLA for both children? Plus child tax credits etc.

She needs to see a lawyer about getting a restraining order if she wants him to leave the house. She can do her own divorce - the papers can be downloaded for free and the court fees are £380 +£60 ish.

She may however need help with the financial settlement. Expect the court to take into account the childrens' disabilities and prospects and the adapations to the house.

The down side is that if he leaves for Dubai she is unlikely to get maintenance (25% of his income) unless he wants to pay but she could check out REMO.

pmlindyloo

Have just done a quick calculation here:

http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

As she is receiving CA she may be entitled to Income Support 'top up', as well as Child Tax Credits, Child Benefit, Council Tax Benefit, Support for Mortgage Interest plus the DLA that she is receiving for the two children.

From the figures I got (very rough as I don't know all the circumstances) she may be entitled to enough benefits to survive reasonably well. (must be very tough for her in the current situation)

I do not believe that Dubai has a reciprocal arrangement with the Child Support agency (but if ex. gets paid into a UK bank account this may alter things).

So, get to solicitor asap and get an agreement made up as regards child support as he may be set on 'doing a runner'.

**Patty**

Can you say exactly what adaptations have been done?

I have been in a situation in similar circumstances (albeit with only the 1 child with a disability) and may be able to offer some pointers for your friend

Racheldevon

I'm presuming the case is open to social care in terms of integrated children's services for the children with disabilities? If so, has she spoken to their social worker to update on the current abuse and her wish to leave? Certainly if there were to be changes to the property/ongoing likelihood of living there then this would potentially impact on the children's basic care needs, and this would need looking at further

If someone hasn't already carried out a Risk Identification Checklist (completed following domestic abuse disclosure) this should be done & repeated each time to assess level of risk to her and the children. This doesn't need to be done by the social worker - she can also contact the national domestic abuse helpline, and self-refer to the outreach team who can be very helpful with sorting out all of the financial/housing etc

If the youngest is 5 then she will just about be eligible for support from the local sure start children's centre - i'm aware he's just started school, but in the holiday periods, and in terms of support for herself, she might for example be able to access their family support team's services, and/or counselling service - all of the services are free & every area has one.

Is she linked into local support groups for the issues around caring for the children?

charliemaine1bee

Im not sure what adaptions have been made to the house at all.
She just keeps getting in a terrible state with what will happen with her there on her own with the children and unable to repay the mortgage and household bills.Ive told her now to get an appointment with solicitor asap.Shes also tonight hidden his and youngest childs passports as she doesnt trust him not to do anything rash,I will tell to contact social services in the morning also.

Fire_Fox

There are plenty of benefits she might be eligible for depending on the specific circumstances: Disability Living, Carers Allowance, Council Tax, Tax Credits, Income Support or Jobseekers .... plus child support.

She should contact the police EVERY time he is abusive, get crime reference numbers then a solicitor should be able to get him out.

Are there any savings or debts? If she is able to stop him rinsing the savings or current account, cancel any overdraft and set credit cards up to need agreement of both to increase the limits. Solicitor should be able to advise her on this. She might even want to quietly set herself up a current account at a different bank that she can receive benefits into.

kingfisherblue

I was in a similar situation, although there was no domestic abuse and the mortgage is a lot lower. I have three children and one has severe disabilities. The house has been adapted - downstairs wetroom which includes a walk in shower and a Closomat toilet (a bit like a toilet and bidet combined, as it washes and dries the more personal areas, giving a disabled person a little more dignity than having someone else cleaning them).

My (now ex) husband left when our youngest was five years old. He wanted us to move out immediately, but I refused and saw a solicitor that specialised in family law. I found them in the Yellow Pages. To cut a long story short, after three court appearances (due to my ex saying our son wasn't as disabled as I made out :eek: despite being on high rate care and high rate mobility), the judge awarded me a Mesher order. The house is not to be sold unless a trigger happens. the triggers, in my case, are:
* my son no longer needs it as a permanant home
* my son dies
* I die
* I remarry or cohabit for six months or more

The judge wasn't impressed with the actions of my ex, which included him saying that I had never contributed financially (untrue, I contributed all my wages when I worked, and only gave up work to look after our children). The judge said that caring for children of the marriage is seen as equal to the financial input from my ex.

I now live happily with my three kids. I do get some help with the mortgage, but have to make up the shortfall from my benefit. I also get income support, council tax benefit, carer's allowance, child tax credits, child support (via DEO as he was non-compliant) and my son's DLA. IS passports to free school meals, free prescriptions, etc.

I hope everything goes well for your friend.

daska

She needs to speak with her Care Manager ASAP and get an urgent referral to a support service to help her with her housing and benefits and accessing legal help etc. These are often run by the local housing associations or 'Supporting People'. If she's in receipt of a personal budget/ direct payments the council may have specific financial advisers that can help.

If she can't afford to stay in the house then they will help with any application for social housing, the medical forms etc.

Info about REMO here. Unfortunately Dubai/UAE isn't a reciprocating country (looked it up before LOL) but it might depend on where his employer is based and where he is paid. There will be a lot more help on the specific aspects of this if you go to the child maintenance board.