An odd one - unsure what to do

heartbreak_star

I can see this turning out to be a bit of a rant. Let's start way back, about ten years or so.

An acquaintance of mine has always been known for being a bit of a tool. He's got 2 kids, one of whom he acknowledges and does love, but he's a very irresponsible father. In fact, he's just generally irresponsible. He's well known for taking jobs and then getting sacked/quitting after a few days because they're "boring". Thusly he has no money and no real experience.

He is also well known for saying "I'll pay you later" - e.g. he came on a trip with a few of us 2 years ago and still owes £1000 in fees, accommodation, food and petrol money. He has "borrowed" cash he's seen lying round shared houses and his mum's house, and has skipped out on rent and bills many a time. He has been evicted from a flat and is due in court for the council tax there. After that, he went back to his mums and slept in his 15-year-old brother's room during GCSE period!

One friend gave him a last chance, and let him move into their flat. 3 months later, there's mould on the floor in his room, he's £935 behind in rent and bills and keeps saying the employment agency are stuffing up his pay. Said friend has kicked him out after discovering thievery (borrowing electrical goods and trading them in at Cash Converters - documents found in room).

His mum doesn't have room for him plus he steals from her, he posts on Facebook things like "hope bus shelters are cosy" and someone who has no previous experience of him gave him a sofa to sleep on for a few nights but no more. His brother asked "Why do you do this?" and he claims he doesn't really know.

I do feel sorry for him in a way, but he got himself in this situation. He's a 28 year old man, not a teenager.

I've done all I can to help - given him numbers for Shelter, Crisis and the Cyrenians, and advised a GP visit if he feels he has mental health issues. Basically the guy is an <insert expletive here> but I hate the thought of anyone I know in trouble. Is he mentally ill? Does he maybe have a drug habit?

What would you do? Help!

HBS x

thehappybutterfly

Hmmm, he's a !!!!!!!!!! in my view and he should be left to his own devices. He's had plenty of opportunities to get himself straight as in getting a job and somewhere to live but he's thrown those opportunities away. Step away before you're one of his victims. You're obviously worried about what will happen to him if you cut ties but it sounds like one of those people who always land on their (someone else's) feet.

ETA - strange, that wasn't a swear word so don't know why it was bleeped out....... Is 'free loader' swearing?

heartbreak_star

Ooh, how dare you say free loader

Thanks for that, it does reinforce what I think and what everyone has been saying. I'm a proper soft touch and I think in this situation I'm going to have to have a hard heart!

HBS x

Fire_Fox

Stop enabling him and it will become clearer if there is a mental health problem, personality disorder or hidden addiction.

heartbreak_star

Thankfully I've never really had to deal with him at close range - my OH knows him better than me.

The only thing I've done is give him numbers for homelessness charities and advice about dealing with anything that may need medical intervention. I really want to give him a good shake, I hope that's not wrong.

HBS x

londonsurrey

Some people are simply chancers. They will push things to the limit, and would rather go homeless rather than do things "properly".

The thing is, it's a free country, and they are free to choose to do things their way, as opposed to our definition of "proper". All you can do is to be ready to step in, to give him a lift to A&E or a shelter if need be.

As for the freeloading, it's your choice, but don't expect him to change or stop just because you've "given him a chance" as he's shown very clearly that he has no intention of taking responsibility for himself. If you give him anything, do it because you want to.
PS gis a tenner.

41_and_i_know_it

I have helped lots of people, all different individuals with various needs. I'm quite good at it but not good at helping myself too. I left an alcoholic who when I last saw him was sober and happy, the other alcoholic accidentally passed away. What is the solution? The general jist I think is that unless someone realises that they are responsible for their own actions and behaviours they will do what they are able to do and continue to do so. If he had no-one and reached a crisis point it could be the moment he realises how bad things really are, because he may be so frightened/disillusioned/unaware that at present it seems normal to act in this way, and he is being 'enabled' to continue.
I sound very harsh, I know, I don't even know him and I feel sorry and frightened to give you the wrong advice, but would you like him to progressively take more risks, with dire consequences. Unless he has a lightbulb moment he will continue to stay irresponsible. I suffer from depression and since I went bankrupt I have learnt that I needed a shock to teach me that I am not living in this world alone, and my actions affect others. Hope this helps, I really sympathise with you and its hard to watch someone going through something but that's the crux 'they have to go through and come out the other side of it'. All the best x

heartbreak_star

Oh believe me londonsurrey, I haven't given him a chance, but everyone he's close to seems to have and he's kicked them in the teeth!

HBS x

podperson

Tbh it sounds like he's been coasting by on other people's kind natures for much too long! He's not your responsibility and quite frankly he's never going to change while there are people always willing to put him up and bail him out. Let's hope this might give him the kick he needs to sort himself out!

Welshwoofs

heartbreak_star wrote: »

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What would you do? Help!

Wipe my hands of him.

It doesn't even matter if he does turn out to have mental health issues or an addiction...at some point people have to take some responsibility for their own actions.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He's capitalising upon people feeling sorry for him.



Stay clear. Avoid at all costs. Or he'll be on you like a tick as you haven't been scammed yet.



And yes, it is very likely he is using. But that's not your problem either.