Fake friends

Saturnalia

Just last week, I burnt all bridges with a person who had pretended to be my friend, pretended to like me and be interested in me and understand everything I was saying to him... but was just using me to get things done for him (no, not sex) and then started treating me rudely.

Thing is, now I miss this person intensely... but what I am missing is the fake him, who I thought was close to me and liked me, and that him never existed in the first place. The him that does exist is the user in the first paragraph.

So how come that makes complete sense in my head - he isn't a nice person and I do not want or need him in my life - but my heart misses what I thought he was so much? :eek:

SailorSam

I think it may be normal to miss someone that has let you down. You think of the things you've done together or said to each other and wonder how much of it was truth and how much fantasy. And you're annoyed at yourself for getting taken in.

1940sGal

Of course you would miss what you thought he was, that's understandable. Everyone should have a friend like that and it doesn't matter what he turned out to be, you're missing what you thought he was.

The important thing is you know the truth now so please don't let your heart rule your head and end up going back. Think of how 2 faced he was, concentrate on his bad points and think about how much better you'll be in the long run for finding out the truth.

The feeling will pass.

pearl123

Saturnalia - you recongised that it was not a healthy friendship. If you are missing the friendship it because you probably got used to being mistreated in some way.
By ending the friendship you've sent out a message - I deserve to be treated better. Good for you.

Saturnalia

I'm so angry with myself because this keeps happening. I trust the wrong people and get hurt every time, but never seem to learn the lesson.

I don't get it. I'm capable of reading a news article for example and spotting the biased sources and the agenda being pushed, and not believing it until I've researched the facts... but real people in real life I take at face value. It's as if because I'm straight & honest with everyone (too much so at times, I'm told) it just doesn't seem to sink in that others aren't always the same as me.

I wonder as well if because I have always struggled to make friends and am so lonely and desperate for company, that I want to believe Person X likes me despite the evidence to the contrary? Whenever I look back the Big Red Flags were massive, but at the time I didn't see them at all.

Is there any way I can learn to be more cynical?

HeadAboveWater

You're like me. You take people at face value. You don't judge. You accept people for who they are. You look for the good in people. And you're trusting: innocent until proven guilty I suppose.

I'm naive I always take people as genuine. Even when something 'off' happens it still takes someone else to point out that it's wrong. I can never see it for myself.

I suppose for me it's just taken time and learning lessons along the way. Much as I'm not the sort of person to be wary of new people and assume the worst about them so to speak, (plus I don't like people who judge others) there is a part of me that knows that I have to be like that. Otherwise I'll spend the rest of my life running after every one else, being walked all over, and taken forgranted

Thankfully the few friends I do have, I've known for a long time. Ok I can count them on one hand, but I'd far rather have 1 or 2 true friends than loads of false friends.

The important thing is, don't ever think that it's you that's the 'problem'. This is one thing I've really struggled with. I always doubt myself and wonder what I'm doing wrong. But it's not like that. You have to tell yourself that you are a good person and you are a good friend to those who deserve it. Unfortunately, like me, you seem to attract the 'wrong' sort from time to time. But it's not a reflection of who you are. Remember that.

And a friends fav quote (funnily enough from an 'ex' friend!!)

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Outer_Limits

As others have said, it's not surprising that you miss the good friend you had. The friendship was real on your side. Unfortunately that friend has disappeared and you'll mourn that loss - but you know it is a loss, they can never come back.

We are all taken in by people sometimes. You can't 'research the facts' so easily in relationships, although it's much easier to see what is going on with a person when they are dealing with someone else, and you can step back mentally and watch. Maybe that's what you've been missing if you don't have many friends - maybe you don't see them reacting with others?

Perhaps if you set a regular time to deliberately assess relationships, and make a list of questions to ask yourself... is the other person gaining something extra: favours, support, money etc..? Which may be quite OK, but you need to be aware of it. If they are sincerely interested in you and your wellbeing, have they said or done something that jars? (Did you think to yourself it was a strange thing to do/say for someone who knows and understands you.)

It's difficult because you obviously have to allow for friends being different from yourself and having different views on some things, but I'm sure you can work it out, and find some more worthwhile people

Fire_Fox

Withdrawal symptoms.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Have you been to see your GP yet?


You were saying that it made sense to you - and doing 'something' is more proactive than ruminating upon the grottier parts of human existence - and means you can say to yourself 'I did something about that'.


Getting shot of a liar is going to be a shock for anyone. It's not a particular criticism of you or anything different about you. You got wise and got shot - but he's hurt you because that's what liars do to the people they lie to.

Saturnalia

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Have you been to see your GP yet?


You were saying that it made sense to you - and doing 'something' is more proactive than ruminating upon the grottier parts of human existence - and means you can say to yourself 'I did something about that'.


Getting shot of a liar is going to be a shock for anyone. It's not a particular criticism of you or anything different about you. You got wise and got shot - but he's hurt you because that's what liars do to the people they lie to.

I went to the doctor's yesterday, but I don't think he really understood what I was trying to tell him. (Surprise!) He thought I was having another episode of depression, well I am depressed but because of everything else I deal with day-to-day, I don't think the depression is the cause of what's wrong.

He's referred me to a counsellor anyway. Maybe I'll be able to explain things better to him/her and they'll be able to point me in the next direction. But I've been warned the waiting list is over 3 months long. :eek:

I've also got another script for antidepressants, not sure if I want to take them but I suppose they do knock the edge off a bit.

Pthree

I only have two "close" friends and sometimes I wonder why I bother with them.
One is all me me me ( I recently counted in a 35 minute telephone call I said 14 words not including mmm or yeah but including hello and bye) and the other isn't interested when she has a bloke which she does at the mement so just ignores her phone.

Every now and again think I should cut them out of my life but then I would have nobody, then again most of the time it feels like I have nobody anyway.