Passive Aggression Traits in Myself (Yuk)

belfastgirl23

This is a tough one. Of course we don't know the tutor and we don't know you so it's hard to figure out the dynamics between the two of you.

What I would say is can you sit down and really think through what happened? Are you certain the tutor was demeaning SAH mums or might you have been projecting your experience with other people on to him? Might he have been pointing out that skills earned as a SAHM might not be accepted by all employers and you misinterpreted it?

It's good that you are using this as an opportunity to reflect. TBH I take your point about not wanting to take up his time but my experience with training is that I'm always glad if someone takes the time to understand better where they went wrong and am happy to help to the best of my ability. So I do think it's worth going back and saying to him that you have been thinking really hard about what he was saying and want to understand it better. You could also acknowledge that it fits with other experiences you have had.

But the strategy of eyes down and not communicating will come across as huffing (sorry but that's what I'd assume). Is that what you want to communicate?

Well done though on acknowledging the problem. I'm sure it's not the first time the tutor has come across this so hopefully they can help you with it. Good luck!

edited to say is there anyone else in the class you could speak to about this and ask them for an honest opinion?

Nicki

I agree with others that you must not let this dent your confidence with the result that you either give up the course, or feel you have to sit in silence and avoid eye contact for the remainder of it.

When I read your post it reminded me of an interview I have just read with the actress Brenda(?) Blethyn (not sure I've got her name right - the mum from Little Voice!) who said that one of the most liberating bits of advice she was ever given was that it wasn't possible for everyone in the world to like you, and you shouldn't not speak up about something important to you/ask for a refund in a shop/etc for fear that people will think less of you. I suspect you will find that for every tutor who would find your impassioned defence of SAHMs to be OTT and overbearing, you would find another who would be pleased to see you could put together a coherent argument and maintain it under pressure.

Its never a bad thing to reflect on when things have gone badly and something you have said or done has elicited a negative reaction, as often you can think yourself of ways you might have handled things differently and avoid making the same mistake again. But the crucial thing here is that you have already done this. You know that maybe you talked over other members of the class, and that perhaps you were too forceful. And from what you have already posted, you will try to be aware of that moving forward and adapt your style a little. I can't see that there is anything more to be done, and if you have been left feeling that you need to put on sack cloth and ashes and flog yourself more for this, then IMO that is the failure of the tutor, not yours. A tutor taking this kind of course should be sufficiently skilled to give constructive feedback to participants - ie fair and accurate feedback together with advice on how to do things differently, presented in a way as not to crush confidence.

I actually think going back to work, or even thinking of going back to work, after a long time out of the workforce is a really huge thing, and takes a lot of courage and determination. So, on your behalf, I am a bit annoyed with some arrogant and insensitive tutor hammering you on your second day of a 4 week course.

And by the way, I absolutely think you should do the work placement at the end of the course. Why wouldn't you? If you genuinely are some out of control harridan who can't control her mouth (which I very much doubt by the way) the worst that can happen is that you do shoot your mouth off inappropriately and get to see firsthand what happens in those circumstances in the workplace, but have made your mistakes in a place you aren't hoping to work in permanently. But the best thing that happens is that all goes swimmingly, you get some actual work experience under your belt and it leads on to permanent work.

j.e.j.

The fact that you are questioning if you are a narcissist or a rude person kind of suggests to me that you aren't. These kinds of people tend not to look at themselves in the mirror in that way.

I am of course reading between the lines a bit here, but I have my doubts about your tutor and what he said. Has anyone else on the course said similar things to you? Could you get another opinion from somebody?

Another thing that occurs to me, though slightly off-topic, is that you could perhaps consider working for yourself instead of looking for 'a job'? That way you might not feel the pressure of having to walk on eggshells all the time around people. Just a thought.

Hermia

I do think you should ask the tutor for some constructive feedback. I also wonder whether it might be worth you asking the rest of the group for feedback (depends what they are like of course). You say you don't want to be the recipient of special attention, but people love helping others and you may find the group responds well to a little honesty on your part. I went on an interview skills course years ago and during one part of the course we all had to tell other people in the group how they came across. It was excruciating, but so enlightening. People were sitting there saying, "OMG, do I really do that?!!!"

OP - don't think you are alone in being a bit odd. I think many of us are and we just learn to modify our behaviour. I am very shy in groups and find it difficult to speak. So sometimes I barge in and say what I have to say straight away in meetings simply because I know that if I hesitate I will never say it. Unfortunately I know that means I sometimes come across as rude and aggressive which is the exact opposite of what I am!