Passive Aggression Traits in Myself (Yuk)

[Deleted User]

I have started a back to work course. Its all about improving your skills and so on to make yourself more employable (and help you find a job). It also looks at the psychological side of things.

I haven't worked for many years. I am a carer, but that's not the whole story.., I have a troubled work history because I don't deal with people very well. There always seems to be a time when I speak when I shouldn't, or don't speak when I should. I can appear arrogant but also apologise for breathing in the next breath. I'm not doing it consciously.., thinking back over things I've said that might have been misinterpreted (or where I didn't realise I was being arrogant) horrifies me.

So onto this course. Two days in, I relaxed today and was called aside. The tutor told me I needed to think about how I was speaking and what I was saying. I guess it was me being arrogant again (didn't take him seeming to demean stay at home mother's putting the skills learned from that into their CV key skills very well and did persist in trying to clarify that being a mum did give u skills that were used in many job types.., but I was probably a bit too 'strong' about it. Whether I was right or wrong.., I'm sure there was a better way to get my point across). He also told me I should smile more (I'm not a smiler and murphy's law being what it is, unless I am grinning from ear to ear I look suicidal lol). Of course, all I want to do now is bury myself in a hole.., not walk around the place grinning from ear to ear.

So.., I suspect I have a bit of a passive aggressive personality. I'm either seeming to be arrogant or apologising for breathing. I'm not emotionally manipulative (have a horror of that) in the strictest sense but unconsciously, I believe either being passive (overly self conscious) or aggressive is kindof emotionally manipulative. Or is it simply 'lacking in confidence', goodness knows?

Anyway, I really really need to conquer this. Does anyone know a good book or should I just start digging that hole now lol? I'd like to find a way to deal with this side of my personality.., its been a bit of a problem for as long as I can remember. I've tried on my own but get no where.., its like there's a gremlin on my shoulder .., I try and subdue myself but it pops out anyway. BTW.., I have thought of gagging myself but that could cause me to get a few looks. Probably won't make me any more employable either lol.

londonsurrey

If you speak to your GP, you may be able to get referred to something like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or Anger Management (they will assess you for what is most appropriate).

The fact that you want to change is the most important ingredient, and you've already got that. Good luck!

Mrs.W_2

Could you not speak further with your course Tutor? Ask him/her how to circumvent occasions when you're falling into such behaviors. It might be a starting point.

[Deleted User]

I've decided to just speak as little as possible, and keep my eyes down so I don't engage with anyone until I can figure out a better way of 'dealing' with this. If I don't. I don't. Its my problem and up to me to sort (although I would be grateful if someone could recommend a book, the problem is that the nearest thing are books about passive aggressive /narcissist type behaviours and I hope to goodness that's not a good fit) lol.

I had every intention of leaving the course, but well, even if I still can't deal with people, there's a lot to learn anyway. I can stick it out and keep my mouth shut for four weeks. If I don't go on a placement, it'll be a shame but I don't think I can until I find a way to control my reactions (by the way, I wasn't shouting or anything, but I did persist in making my point when I probably shouldn't have done). And I am pretty sure I did speak over a couple of people, which I am sure wasn't very nice for them.

There are 20 people in the group. All with their own needs. There is no way on earth I am going to ask for 'special attention'. Its bad enough he felt he had to speak to me after the second day lol! I'm mortified as you can imagine.

Sambucus_Nigra

deannatrois wrote: »

The tutor told me I needed to think about how I was speaking and what I was saying. I guess it was...

You have NO idea what he meant - he needs to think about who he is calling aside and freaking out!

At this point you needed to ask 'in what context?'

And now he has reduced you to silence. So he wins. :T:T:T

This is a back to work course, and if he is demeaning stay at home mothers you might want to point out some stay at home mothers who have gone on to be very successful; J K Rowling for one...Do some research on some others so that you have this ready for the next time.

Being a tutor is about managing the class and not about silencing people.

Acc72

deannatrois wrote: »

I've decided to just speak as little as possible, and keep my eyes down so I don't engage with anyone until I can figure out a better way of 'dealing' with this.

It is good that you are aware of how your actions could affect others, however I would also say that it is important that you don't over think everything and over analyse everything you say or do (I am sure that any "issues" are not as bad as you may think they are at the moment !).

The only other thing I would say is with regards to your comment above - what you propose (not speaking, avoiding eye contact) are perceived as negative traits, so I would not purposely adopt this behaviour.

Just continue to "be yourself" and just be aware to be polite, let people speak/do not speak over them etc.

poet123

I think you may be overreacting to what has been said. Or reacting to it by too much introspection instead of seeing the situation for what it was. If you genuinely thought he was demeaning SAHM's then you had every right to question him on that. His job is to instill confidence, not knock you down.

Yes, you may have been over enthusiastic in debate, yes, you may have talked over someone, it happens. However, I think your first post is a sad reflection of what the course has given you so far, rather than a reflection of your supposed deep seated personality issues. You may have issues, those issues are there to be addressed but if you let them overshadow the real purpose of the course; confidence building, skills for working life, time management, interpersonal skills etc then you will be wasting your time.

The last thing you should do is act as you have said you intend to. Hold your head up, make eye contact and engage. Think before you speak (maybe along the lines of how would I react to that being said to me?) but join in and go with the flow.

I would go back and see the tutor, tell him why you reacted as you did, and say you have thought about what he said and will take it onboard. If he was negating the skills of SAHM's he was wrong, they have many, very many, transferable skills and he is in the wrong job if he cannot recognise that.

Stay on the course and be yourself. Good luck.

euronorris

I would also be wary of taking what just a few individuals say to you as Gospel. I did that when I was younger, and ended up not speaking my mind, or communicating my feelings at all, in order to keep other people happy.

Recipe for my own misery, and it's taken quite a while and some therapy to find my voice again. There is a happy medium to be had, but please keep in mind that sometimes disagreements, or people not liking you, is just par for the course. You can't please everyone all the time.

Yorkie1

Can you treat this incident as a positive learning experience? Each interaction we have with anyone raises different challenges of how to respond to a particular set of circumstances; some easy, some fun, some harder.

Following on from this question, can you decide to stay on the course and continue to use the interactions to practise / develop your skills? After all, the course is about getting you back into the work way of things, which is about inter-personal skills as well as other things.

You are as entitled to the tutor's attention as the others; you are entitled to ask for help in developing the inter-personal skills which he has already identified may need some work / help. By withdrawing from the course or saying nothing, you're not giving yourself the best possible way to start practising doing things differently. Seems a pity to cut your own nose off to spite your face, to coin a phrase.

It does also occur to me, and I don't mean this critically, whether deliberately withdrawing either partially or entirely from the course, is also a little passive-aggressive in itself (subconsciously)?

Theory books are fine (I'm not denigrating your suggestion of getting one), but you also need to find your own way to deal with situations.

I agree with the CBT suggestion if you can stretch to that.

downshifted

Why not print out your post and the replies here and show them to your tutor? Say that you want to get along well on the course and elsewhere, you recognise there may be some kind of problem but aren't sure exactly what it is or what to do about it, and ask for help. There are learning points here for the tutor as well as for you. Good luck :-)

pickpocketlocket

downshifted wrote: »

Why not print out your post and the replies here and show them to your tutor? Say that you want to get along well on the course and elsewhere, you recognise there may be some kind of problem but aren't sure exactly what it is or what to do about it, and ask for help. There are learning points here for the tutor as well as for you. Good luck :-)

I'm not sure what use the replies will be, as we only know one side of the story. The OP needs to talk to the tutor on a neutral basis, not "well I posted this on the internet and these strangers say it's you that has the problem".