Help!How do you make someone moneywise?

kuepper

Bear with me........for the 2nd time in ~5 years I've just paid off my daughter and partners debts (about £20k in total so far) that have been accumulated to enable them to live their lifestyle to which I have additionally contributed a few more thousand a year by paying for odd hols, house repairs, buying furniture, stuff for kids etc. They have a modest mortgage of about £68k, he works in a £20k job and she gets about £6k part time (which only just covers child care costs). They dont smoke, drink rarely but most annoyingly to me have 2 cars (not top of range but 2nd hand models which are more about what they want to be seen in rather than practical/economic), have a satellite tv package, top of the range mobile phones with expensive contracts.

I've subtely 'nagged' about their lack of financial nous and they said they'd sell 1 car (but havent done and havent used it so its been gathering dust on the road with tax and insurance they could get a rebate on). They've just upgraded their mobile phones to state of the art ones keeping their already expensive contracts (when they could have kept their phones and used payg or contract sim and use their unused landline which is inconveniently in the far corner of the livingroom). I nagged them to check their energy deal the other week and much to my surprise they did this and they reckoned Scottish Power were the cheapest for them saving about £120 a year plus you got a £70 (instead of usual £30 for switching via moneysupermarket.com). Have they switched? No they 'haven't had time' so the £70 deal has gone and its a missed opportunity.

They are just drifting along and I suppose know I will bail them out if need be again bit I'm so frustrated now I'm at a crossroads. If I keep on supporting their lifestyle they're never going to learn but if I don't I'm worried about my daughter's frail mental health going downhill and how it might affect her kids.

What can I do?

[Deleted User]

You cannot really give information to people who are not prepared to listen (well, you can, but it will fall on deaf ears!).

What you can do though is to stop "enabling" them, by bailing them out when they have debt/need holiday/house repairs/kids stuff etc as this is stopping them from having to take responsibility for their own lives and lifestyle!

(don't mean to be mean by that)

D9

Goldblend_2

Agree with other response.. Get them to sell that car !! Not your fault you sound like a great mum :-) or dad ..? Lol

:j if your d is strong enough and her partner is in agreement could you all get together to have a debt busting day?

Sadly I think we have to learn for ourselves and the hard way..;)

unimaginative_user_name

You do sound like a great mum but unfortunately the only way they are going to learn to live within their means is if they budget, reduce their spending and clear their own debts. Otherwise they will carry on with their lavish lifestyle and never learn. You can still be there emotionally for your daughter and treat your grandchildren or offer to pay for smaller things, like when they need new shoes or a winter coat.

oopsadaisydoddle

Have to say as soon as I read the first few lines of your post, I wanted to say 'stop bailing them out'! Although you think you're being a good parent by helping them in this way, you are actually hindering them because they don't have to understand about budgeting etc because there's never been any need when you've just bailed them out.

I agree with the poster who's says to help with small things like shoes and coats and other treats aimed at your Grandchildren. That way it will ease your daughter's burden but won't be just for her benefit and she and her partner will HAVE to learn if you're not handing everything to them.

I don't mean to sound harsh because I imagine you will have done everything with the best intentions but mental health issues aren't solved by money...you can still be there emotionally for your daughter and help out with her children and support her that way. It will be better for her in the long run when she can stand on her own two feet.

I do hope none of this comes across as harsh...like I said I imagine you've always tried to help. The bottom line is though, people don't really learn about money until they have to!

Good luck.x

Sambucus_Nigra

Seems to me they are moneywise!

jetplane

kuepper wrote: »

They are just drifting along and I suppose know I will bail them out if need be again bit I'm so frustrated now I'm at a crossroads. If I keep on supporting their lifestyle they're never going to learn but if I don't I'm worried about my daughter's frail mental health going downhill and how it might affect her kids.

Ooh this is not easy, but you are enabling them to behave like this. They know you will bail them out, and as long as you take responsibility for them why would they bother? Yes they have a low income but families live on less than this, have they claimed tax credits? Were the holidays, new furniture and stuff for the kids necessary or treats? You need to ask yourself why you do this.

You don't say how old your daughter is, but you worry about her mental health and now the grandchildren. Does she use these to emotionally blackmail you or is this your own fear? Can you not say no to your daughter, have you always had this relationship with her? We all want to protect our children but if you're still treating her like a child then she will behave like one. Maybe your daughter is stronger than you give her credit for.

You say you're at a crossroads so you either carry on until you've got nothing left or you bite the bullet and say no and let them take responsibility for themselves. If that means that they have debt and can't have holidays and are forced to sell a car then let them work this out on their own.

My daughter makes choices that I can see are not MSE and I know that if I stepped in I could save her some money, manage her (and her partners) finances better but she has to make her own choices, including mistakes and face the consequences in the hope that next time they will make a better decision. I accept that even though my daughter will ask me for advice, she might not take it.

Ultimately you will always want to be there for them but you need to try and move the relationship to where your daughter comes for advice and support and not a financial handout.

cutestkids

I have to agree with everyone else here, they will never grow up and stand on their own two feet because you allow them not to.

By paying off their debts, buying furniture, paying for house repairs and holiday's, buying the kids things you are letting them get away with not taking responsibility, they know that they do not have to budget and save for things because you will pay.

They have to take responsibility at the moment they have the choice to have the latest phone etc because you allow them to.

If they had to stand on their own two feet they would have to decide what to spend and when.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh but you really are not doing them any favours, nor are you helping your Grandchildren as they are not seeing from example how to manage money so they will be in for a huge shock when they grow up as nobody has ever taught them.

orcocan

it's not really difficult.

Rule no 1: DO NOT GIVE THEM MONEY
Rule no 2: DO NOT PAY THEIR DEBT

might not be easy but tough love is what is needed

antonic

I was in the same situation where my dad would lend me money to get me through to the end of the month as I was having problems servicing my 3 credit cards and overdraft.

Then 7 years ago I decided I needed a DMP to clear my debts off.

Upto about a year ago I was still spending approx £80.mth on alcohol, and having to borrow of my dad to fund this and he wasnt happy.

So I gave up the booze (11 months and 2 weeks since my last drink) and since then he has been more then happy to lend me between £20 - £30 month.

The point I`m making is that until I wanted to change NOTHING he said to me would change my attitude.

As others have said, until your daughter & partner WANT to change dont bail them out again BUT be prepared to help financially on small matters when needs arise.

Jox

Don't bail them out anymore, I've spent my adult life bailing others (family and friends) out and they never learn until they have to deal with things themselves.

I buy myself a 12 quid handbag from Matalan for example and then bail out a family member who has run up a large Next calalogue bill for themselves with nice handbags, clothes and shoes and can't pay.

I gave up smoking when it was 5 quid a packet and friends and family who don't have any money still manage to smoke and ask to "borrow" money.

If you have "extra" money put it in a savings account that needs a month's notice to access so it's not so easy to get to.

It's hard to not be generous though when you're used to being that way - I know.