Help!How do you make someone moneywise?

determined_new_ms

Sorry but I agree you have to stop enabling their behaviour. They won't learn this lesson until they reach the point of their own LBM. Its hard as a parent to let your kids make their own choices even if you know if they did what you advised their lives would be easier. But we all have to learn our own lessons.

You need to look after your own financial security now. Think of all the things YOU could have done with that 20k. You must stop, pull away and let them grow and develop. Its not easy. It might be a good idea to sit them down and say the last time was the very last time. You appreciate they are adults with a family and can sort their own lives out and from now on your hard earned money will be spent on the things you want to spend on and you are closing the bank of mum down.

After that stick to it. They will get to the point where they either cut back or increase their income. Look at the thousands of people who have done so on this board over the years. Remember out of the ashes the phoenix rises x

poppasmurf_bewdley

You can still be generous to your daughter and grandchildren without encouraging their spendaholic lifestyle.

Don't pay for their holidays - take the grandchildren away with you.

Don't settle their bills, buy your grandchildren shoes when you think they need them.

Get the idea?

DCFC79

I understand its your daughter and you want to help them out but they wont learn anything if they keep on getting bailed out. Have they recognised what you have have done for them paid off the debts for a second time, paid for odd hols, house repairs, buying furniture, stuff for kids.

Dont mean anything bad by this at all but what if you weren't there to bail them out, would they just continue on or would they do something about it and make changes.

Maybe introduce them to the forums, get the 2 of them to read up on martins budget planner.

gfplux

Your daughter and partner are addicted to spending and you are helping them stay hooked.
It is the same with people who are addicted to alcohol. Would you give a drunk a bottle of Vodka?
Would you loan money to someone addicted to gambling.
Would you give money to your daughter to buy drugs if she were addicted to them.
I am sure you would say no to all three.
So say no to their addiction to spending more than they can afford.
You are hurting not helping the situation.

Debt_free_soon_2

Sorry but I have to agree with most of the other comments.

I'm sure you are a wonderful parent, but it sounds like your daughter almost knows you're there to call on if needed.


I am 31 with 2 young kids & a DH we have no spare cash, have to stick to a tight budget, we go on the Sun £9.50 hols in order to take the kids away. But the kids want for nothing, they have loads of time & I'm always here. They might not wear the coolest clothes but they are so loved & that's what really matters, right? What excites me know is how cheaply we can live, how times change!


Excuse me for perhaps making assumptions, but it sounds like your daughter & her partner think they can buy happiness, but no shop sells it! From my experience if she realises her financial situation & has to resolve it by cutting back & gets herself out of the pickle, that is what will bring such a sense of achievement & happiness.


So my advice would be try & take a step back from the financial stuff, offer support & of course love & emotional support. But what will truly help is letting her tackle this head on with her partner.


Good luck to you all x

Debt_free_soon_2

Forgot the punch line!

My parents are always trying to help financially & there was a time when we let them but now I want the sense of achievement that doing it yourself can bring. That feeling is priceless!


In answer to your question, no I don't really think you can make someone money wise but you can speed up the process of the light bulb moment by not saving the day financially!


Just my opinion! :-)

kuepper

Thanks for all replies. To refer to a few points:

I am a man by the way and brought my daughter (now 37) up as a single parent from a baby so we're v close that's why the tough love option many advocate is so hard and hence my 'cry for help' post.

I'm disabled and couldn't cope physically and mentally with taking 2 grankids on holiday, they're preschool and too demanding

I'm a pensioner now, home paid for and living a sensible low cost lifestyle a la mse. If i don't help her out the money is just laid in the bank doing nothing.

determined_new_ms

opps then bank of dad! The thing is while you think you are helping her you're not. if she doesn't learn to make it in the world while she is young, how will things be when your not there for her?

Its not so much the tough love approach. Its more about letting her find her feet, grow her wings and fly on through life. Letting go of your children and letting them make their own mistakes is a hard transition for parents but vital for the offspring!

Jox

I'm 37 and always bailing others out, it's a choice we make for ourselves, if we feel good doing it and don't feel taken advantage of then fine, but if it leaves us feeling resentful then maybe tough love is the approach to take.

There's some people in my life who don't make much effort with me until they want something. Lending / giving money to people can sour the relationship.

mildredalien

Perhaps instead of waiting for your daughter to build up debt or want to go on holiday, you could sit down with her and help her figure out her monthly income/outgoings? If you have money that you want to use to help her with, perhaps you could make it part of her steady income rather than blowing it on large things. That way she could save up for her own holidays and maybe improve on her budgeting skills a little! You'd still be contributing, but helping her become more financially savvy too