Advice re cheating husband & separation

silverbeetle

I wondered if anyone has any advice for my sister. I have recently found out her husband (of 10 years) has been cheating on her with a younger woman from his work for at least the past 2 years. My sister found out about the affair 2 christmases ago when she found text messages on his phone. He will not admit he is having an affair despite the fact he has been caught out and this has been going on ever since. They have tried counselling which has had no effect.
Since she found out about the affair he has treated her like a doormat & unpaid slave. He refuses to do anything around the house & is bone idle. They have 2 young children (aged 3 & 8) he is supposed to look after them for a few evenings each week whilst my sister works, instead he just goes to bed and leaves them to amuse themselves - the children are often not in bed when my sister returns from he work at 10pm.
They have a caravan and he refused to go with my sister and the children for their weeks holiday. My sister drove the car & caravan herself so the children would have a holiday. During the week away he did not phone or contact my sister or his children at all. When she returned home, it was obvious from the state of the house that he hadn't been there.
She has kept the situation secret from myself & our mum and dad as she hoped the marriage could be fixed. She has now reached the end of her tether and wants out.

She wants to leave him but what are her rights if she leaves the house? The mortgage is in their joint names. If they do separate what does he have to provide? He is the main breadwinner my sister has a part-time job as a careworker.

I have no experience of separation and do not know what to advise her to do. Is it better that she stays put despite the horrible atmosphere in the house - they do not speak to each other and he does nothing to help with the day to day running of the house or children - in fact he is so lazy he makes additional work for my sister, leaving her to clear up his mess.

What legal rights does my sister have with regard to the house, his income and the childrens well being? Are there things she should be doing before she leaves. Can she throw him out of the house?

Any advice would be appreciated as I do not know what is best for her to do first.

marisco_2

It is very alarming to hear that two young children are left to their own devices by their father whilst their mum is out at work. That part of your post sent a shiver down my spine. Poor little loves must feel so alone. More luck than judgement on the dads part that they haven't had a serious accident yet.

He does have a legal right to remain in the house as the mortgage is in joint names. The only way he could be removed from the house is if he were abusive. Then your sister could apply for an injunction to keep him away.

Her situation sounds horrendous. Personally I would not stay in such a relationship even for the sake of the children. The atmosphere must be awful and the little ones will be picking up on this. In the end it will be detrimental to their development and emotional well being to see their mum being treated so badly.

If she has decided things are over then she needs to contact a solicitor, advise them of the full situation and take their advice. If they can sort things out between themselves re finances etc it will save them a fortune rather than have solicitors battle it out.

Depending on how many hours your sister works she could claim child and working tax credits. She may qualify for housing and council tax benefit. If she remains the main carer then she can claim the child benefit. Her husband would be liable to pay child maintenance, either voluntarily or via the csa.

amyloofoo

I don't have any knowledge of this, but didn't want to read and run. *hugs* to your sister and her children, like Marisco, the thought of the LOs being left to their own devices for so long sent a shiver down my spine. I hope your sister finds the courage to do the right thing for herself and her kids and she's very lucky to have you supporting her :grouphug:

mgdavid

if they split he has to provide a roof over her head; the easiest way of reaching this outcome is for her to make him leave. Quite how she achieves that in this particular instance is something I'll leave other posters to suggest.

silverbeetle

Luckily he is not at all abusive. He is just mentally cruel & absolutley vile to my sister.

Any ideas of how to get him to leave or if she can throw him out would be appreciated.

She would love to leave but has no where to go (unfortunately I live too far away to help) and has no money to set up a home elsewhere.

Marisco

silverbeetle wrote: »

Luckily he is not at all abusive. He is just mentally cruel & absolutley vile to my sister.

Any ideas of how to get him to leave or if she can throw him out would be appreciated.

She would love to leave but has no where to go (unfortunately I live too far away to help) and has no money to set up a home elsewhere.

Then he IS abusive!! Abuse doesn't always mean beating the living daylights out of someone! She needs legal advice, but in the interim I would move out, sharpish!! Can she stay with your parents until she finds somewhere to live? I think if he won't move, then really she has no choice, she has to. Then the "legalities" can be sorted out via a solicitor.

DS4215

silverbeetle wrote: »

Luckily he is not at all abusive. He is just mentally cruel & absolutley vile to my sister.

He is not physically abusive, but that does not mean he is not abusive. He is neglecting the kids and treating her badly. Her choices are:

a). Find somewhere and move out. File a claim for benefits (including c tax as a single person) and with the CSA. He will probably have to buy her out of the house as part of the divorce settlement.
b). Invite him to leave. File a claim for benefits and with the CSA - this will only work if she can afford to pay the mortgage.

loobylou2

I can't comment on the situation regarding a separation as have never experienced it, but I wanted to ask if your sisters husband leaves the home who will look after the children when she is at work in the evenings? Would she be able to rearrange her hours at all so she can just work during the day whilst they are at school/nursery and have the evenings at home? I only ask this because I've had to rearrange my working hours on numerous occasions even though my husband was at home with the children and supposedly taking care of them. Slightly different circumstances though as he isn't in the best of health and just wasn't really well enough to look after them. I understand her concern as although she is leaving them with a adult it sounds like they are being left to their own devices which is not good and is what I discovered was happening in my own home before I managed to get my working hours rearranged. Hope she manages to get things sorted out but this is something she really needs to look into as well.

make_me_wise

silverbeetle wrote: »

Luckily he is not at all abusive. He is just mentally cruel & absolutley vile to my sister.

Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. There may be no bruises or broken bones but it is incredibly destructive to the victim. In the worst cases people become former shadows of themselves and find it hard to function. Posters have already given lots of advice and I hope your sister will use it and be okay.

Pee

Just to second, or third, that she should see a solicitor so she knows what her options are and can then decide the best way forward based on that. It may be that taking that step will make her OH sit up and take notice. I don't mean this unkindly as the same could have been said about me in the past, but by allowing him to treat her like a doormat she is almost encouraging that behaviour. Standing up for herself might make a lot of difference.

emweaver

She should not be leaving she should be kicking him out. She needs a home for her children and his other woman clearly has a house he can go stay in if he managed not to live in the marital home for a week whilst they was on holiday.

I feel sorry for the children they must realise daddy isn't interested in them.