living with abusive ex partner what do i do?

opinionswanted

Hello

Sorry had to register again as he knows my old user name...

basically I live in a houseshare currently with my ex partner and a friend.

My ex and i lived together until recently. he has been very abusive and aggressive to the point the police have been called by next door and over the road. he never hits me but pushes me over and throws things at me which i know is similar. I have scars and marks on my body from theses incidents.

He has now moved into a spare room in the house.

I can not stay living with him and nor can my friend as his abuse is constant, to the point of him howling at 3am as he is not getting attention barging into my room in the early hours and waking me up to start a row. this happens even if i put me head under my pillow and the duvet around my body.

He will not move out of the house regardless of what we say.

the landlord called me today to talk about things as my ex called him a couple of weeks ago to say he would be taking the room the landlord is not happy about this situation as at the end of the day the landord will lose money if two of us leave the house.

what kind of protection can i expect from the ll?

also had a bailiff come round today regarding the gas and elc according to each of our contracts the rent is inclusive of the bills. what do i do for this situation?


it just seems everything is happening at once

i have a lot of furniture in the property and when looking at other houseshares it looks like there is no room to take these items what can i do with them?

another issue i have is that i am a student going into my final year, the rent i pay now is stupidly cheap i know that and am grateful for this but i cant really afford to just up and move...

i think i need someone to give me some advice?

thanks x

chocdonuty

Would you rather this carry on and live in fear and with the real possibility of you being seriously hurt by this man or would you rather live your life in peace and how you want it to be?
You knmow the answer and I know it is so hard to leave but in this case I feel it is the only option, there is always somewhere you can go, speak to your university for practical help or womens aid, sorry I don't have the number right now but others will be along soon with similar advice and help.
Your life is worth so much more than this and only you can take the first step, please do it now rather than later.
Material things like furniture ect can take a back step for now, get yourself safe first and worry about those things later.

BitterAndTwisted

What kind of protection can you expect from the landlord? None, he's not your parent. However, they might be sympathetic to your situation and consider giving this ex his marching orders. All of that really depends on what sort of contract you have with the landlord.

Is the landlord aware that bailiffs have visited the property? Perphaps the account they are trying to secure payment for is a previous tenant and not your landlord?

As for your furniture, if they have come to the end of their useful life you either find someone to store them for you or get rid of it all via Gumtree or Freecycle.

Racheldevon

It is important you get the proper support in place.
1. contact Women's Aid now - it's 24/7 and explain your situation. The number is 0808 2000 247
2. call the police and ask to speak to the domestic abuse police team (this particular team may only work office hours). Log your situation with them. Even though they only work office hours, contact the police anyway to log your situation and ask for them to come round - domestic abuse is taken seriously.
3.Either through a support worker from women's aid, or via the police specialist abuse officers, someone will complete a risk identification checklist with you to get a good understanding of the things you have experienced and the risk you potentially are facing. This will inform any safety planning and other services.
4. Speak urgently to your uni tutor and make them aware of your situation, especially as it's your final year you may need to log it under extenuating circumstances.
5. Through the specialist abuse officers, and/women's aid, they can put in place the steps to remove him from the property, but you then need to ensure you don't let him back in, and that you contact the police when / if he turns up.
6. Re the bills - we had a similiar issue when I was a student with baliffs coming round as our landlord owed lots of money and they kept appearing. Don't let them in, and inform them of your landlord's details. Also raise this with student housing people - if he's known to them they may well stop recommending his properties to other students
7. Access specialist support for the abuse you have experienced through either the free counselling service at uni, or the services via women's aid

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Leave the gear behind, and get yourself out of there.

marisco_2

I am sorry to hear that you are living under these very difficult circumstances. I left an abusive marriage six years ago. My situation was a little different to yours in as much as we owned our home rather than rented.

The abuse escalated to a point where it was dangerous for me to be near my ex. I spoke first with my gp and got everything logged onto my medical records. She put me into contact with the domestic abuse and violence unit at my local police station. They logged everything onto their database which then lets them decide your level of risk. I was expecting them to tell me to go away, stop wasting their time and to not make a fuss again about normal ups and downs. It came as an awful shock when they told me I was at their highest level of risk and that our house was being put onto immediate response. I was given a number to call if my ex became abusive again and the police could come and remove him from the property.

I would urge you to treat the abuse you are suffering seriously and report it. This man sounds very unstable. No normal, balanced person howls in the middle of the night. The most dangerous time to be around someone abusive is when a relationship ends and the abuser feels they have lost control. Once my ex realised that others were aware of what he was doing he backed right down. Thankfully within 3 weeks he moved out, we sold the house and our divorce went through within 4 months.

Do you have any friends or family nearby that you could move in with? Right now your safety and wellbeing are paramount. Everything else can be sorted out in time. As for furniture, what you can take with you do, the rest sell and use the money to furnish the new place appropriately when you are ready to.

Feel free to PM me if you want any other advice or just a listening ear.

dancingfairy

Who is actually renting the house? I presume it's you and your friend and the ex isn't at all? Who's names are on the contracts? If just you and your friend then surely he is an uninvited guest and you can call the police and get him removed and get an injunction out against him? If he's on the tenancy agreement then things might be a bit trickier. It also may depend on if you each rent an individual room or whether it's one tenancy between you all.
You might want to contact Shelter for advice as they can tell you the legal situation with regards to contracts etc.
It sounds to me like you and your friend have a seperate contract each with the landlord is this right? How many rooms are there? Could you afford to pay more between you so that you still retain the house (ie instead of the rent being split 3 ways you split it 2 ways). It's not ideal but might save you the hassle of having to find another housemate.
With regards to the bailiffs you need to find out whos name the electric and gas contracts are in. It sounds like they should be in the name of the landlord from what you've said but who knows (or there could be a mistake somewhere).
Hope you get things sorted and I would agree with the others in getting specialist advice before taking any action.
Best of Luck
df

dancingfairy

Can you get an attack alarm? It might give you the time needed to distract him so you can get to the phone and phone the police (it might also alert the neighbours that he'd gone off on one as well). I would run this idea past a specialist though in domestic violence.
What is really clear is that this situation is unsustainable and needs sorting out by experts. You need him out of there and he needs to know his behaviour is unacceptable (and he possibly needs mental health treatment as well as barging in on someone when they are asleep and howling at them does not sound good to be honest). Do you think he is suffering from some form of mental illness? Not that this in any way excuses his behaviour and he will still need to be removed for his own good as well.
Get some help from the experts.
df

thorsoak

GET OUT NOW - YOU ARE MORE VALUABLE THAN FURNITURE!

You have been given contact details for Womens Aid - you need their help now.

This advice is given despite the fact that I do have misgivings that we may be hearing the trip-trapping of a troll

RAS

We really do need to clarify what the legal situation is regarding your tenancy.

Which country are you in?

What date did the tenancy start?

When does the tenancy end?

opinionswanted wrote: »

basically I live in a houseshare currently with my ex partner and a friend.

Whose names are on the rental contract? All three or just two?

opinionswanted wrote: »

He has now moved into a spare room in the house..

opinionswanted wrote: »

He will not move out of the house regardless of what we say.

If his name is on the rental contract, legally he is entitled to live in the house (from the point of view of tenancy law).

opinionswanted wrote: »

the landlord called me today to talk about things as my ex called him a couple of weeks ago to say he would be taking the room

Do you rent a room? or do you jointly rent a house?

opinionswanted wrote: »

the landlord is not happy about this situation as at the end of the day the landord will lose money if two of us leave the house.

You need to get out if you are at risk of violence but do either you or your friend understand that you will remain liable to pay rent if you move out without giving proper notice?

You need to answer the questions here to get the right information about your situation.

opinionswanted wrote: »

also had a bailiff come round today regarding the gas and elc according to each of our contracts the rent is inclusive of the bills. what do i do for this situation?

Speak to the Landlord urgently and then forward to the LL any letter that was left.

opinionswanted wrote: »

another issue i have is that i am a student going into my final year, the rent i pay now is stupidly cheap i know that and am grateful for this but i cant really afford to just up and move...

Speak to your student welfare people urgently. They may well have emergency accomodation that you can access and certainly they may have hardship grants that you can access if this situation cause finacial problems.

Is x a student?

marisco_2

I hope the OP is okay. I am a little worried that she posted on here and then logged off so quickly. I hope it wasn't because the abusive person arrived home and saw this thread. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. The thing you dread most when suffering abuse is that people wont believe what you are suffering. That fear is almost as terrifying as the abuse itself. Please come back on here when you can OP and let us know you are okay. Take care.