Ex-Husband left work to avoid paying maintenance

Zara33

gemineyegirl wrote: »

Id like to suggest snowmaid reads the post on the forum about the csa and then tell me not to bad mouth!! I have got every reason and its small wonder I haven't done it more. Just for the record my daughter has never felt unloved and as she was 14 at the time she well understood what a w****** he was and still is.

regardless if you believe your ex it be a w***** this man is still your daughter's father, i don't think people should use the kids as pawns especially about money.

seven-day-weekend

I do not believe it can ever be right to tell a child it's father is a w******r, even if it's true.

I have lived with my husband for 35 years and even now can see the results of the bad-mouthing his father (whom he loved) got from his mother.

Think of the child, even if your ex-spouse doesn't.

Sensemaya

Having trooped to my MP's office on a Friday afternoon after school over the years, as an example - the only time they ( yep - I'm on the second one it's been going on so many years ) hold the surgeries ( although they never make me feel better! ) and I have no one to look after the kids, so they have to come too - my eldest is now asking pertinent questions as to why his "Dad" doesn't pay child support.

I don't bad mouth him, snowmaid, and gemineyegirl, I see exactly where you are coming from but here is my solution.

When he is old enough I'm simply going to hand him over ALL the paperwork, including his "Dad's" response to various issues in his own hand writing.

Given it should take a fair while for my eldest to read the vast amount of written correspondence, my ( yes...I haven't said our child ) child can then make his own mind up about his "father". It is all there in black and white.

I have been married twice and I blame our beloved CSA as the main reason for my second marriage breaking up six years ago.The CSA, of course, rejected that reason. But I know different...

And as for that very negative emotion, Hate, I find total indifference much more effective.

gemineyegirl

Who said I am using her as a pawn ? and who said I told her he was a w******. Please don't make assumptions. I'm aware she knows what he's like by the way he treats her, of which I shan't bore anyone with entire list.
All I can say is read the hassle folk are having to go through to claim any kind of payment from their ex -including having to go to court and then tell me that that doesn't have an effect on the way you feel and how you express it -including letting your offspring know some times how rotten it is that their father is affecting the entire family. I dare you -read how other people live.

Zara33

gemineyegirl wrote: »

I dare you -read how other people live.

Why do you think most of us are here you certainly are not alone.

Sensemaya

gemineyegirl wrote: »

Hi Ali,
The courts have been useless and so has the csa, although after I consistently pestered the csa until they forced him to pay a fiver a week-which I delighte in informing my daughter how much her daddy thought of her!! I am now trying the 'new csa' so we will see what they can do-prob nothing.

So how did your daughter feel about the fiver then? Having been in the fiver position in the past - I did something constructive, however, but didn't inform my eldest.

As for CS2 I got round that one too and I'm now on it. Still doesn't get you any money though, and even if you get on it, it will probably go clerical and that will take forever.

The CSA will never change.

Sensemaya

gemineyegirl wrote: »

All I can say is read the hassle folk are having to go through to claim any kind of payment from their ex -including having to go to court and then tell me that that doesn't have an effect on the way you feel and how you express it -including letting your offspring know some times how rotten it is that their father is affecting the entire family. I dare you -read how other people live.

Yes. People have been fighting the CSA for years and years. It does affect the whole family.

No need to dare me!

gemineyegirl

Sensemaya wrote: »

So how did your daughter feel about the fiver then? Having been in the fiver position in the past - I did something constructive, however, but didn't inform my eldest.

As for CS2 I got round that one too and I'm now on it. Still doesn't get you any money though, and even if you get on it, it will probably go clerical and that will take forever.

The CSA will never change.

Actually it was my eldest who advised his dad to pay the fiver for the sake of his sister - I have 3 great kids -and the eldest had left school, the middle son left school because he knew his dad wouldn't pay the maintenance-even though he would have quite liked to go to 6th form. He got a job instead and worked blooming hard. Now in the RAF along with his brother they are doing really well for themselves.
But.....I had no choice but to be upfront and tell my daughter in the end because he phoned to tell her-that he loved her even though he couldn't afford much -
and then packed for his holiday to Turkey. Moving isn't it?
I expect to get nothing from him or the csa -that way I'll not be disappointed.
Martin , can you do some thing like you have for reclaiming bank charges please? and help our families get what they deserve.

kelloggs36

It makes me so angry and sad that parents will go to any lengths to avoid paying for their own children in order to punish their ex's or because they are so jealous that their ex has a new life that they feel that they should no longer maintain their children because their new partners can do it! If people could be adult about things and only look at what is in the best interests of the children, then the world would be a much better place. Sadly, this is not the case in many cases. I wrote to my ex before I approached the CSA, and asked him to contribute 30 per week in respect of our daughter. I told him that I didn't want to ruin him financially, but that he has a duty to maintain his daughter and that this would be a welcome contribution towards her upkeep. He totally ignored my letter (I did try again but received no response). I could have left it there, but he has a moral obligation to maintain his daughter. We produced her together and it isn't her fault that we are no longer together. We may be divorced, but he can't just walk away and pretend that she doesn't exist. She isn't an accessory that is no longer wanted and is put to the back of the cupboard! She is a living, breathing human being who has needs in order to live and those needs (well, most of them!) cost money. It may be inconvenient to him now, but that is not my problem. She belongs to both of us and is both of our responsibility to ensure her welbeing. I had no choice in the end but to go to the CSA. Although it is a very long story, eventually, they made an assessment that he should pay more than double the amount I had asked of him. she is 18 and she knows he has never paid. She has been rejected directly by his new wife who told her 'not to contact your dad anymore, he doesn't want anything to do with you anymore' - when she was 12 years old which destroyed her. I asked if she wanted to try and make contact with him again and she just said 'why would I want that w***** in my life now, he didn't want me so why should I want him now?'. I don't tell her everything that goes on, but she has made up her own mind. Deep down she loves him and if he were to come to her directly and ask to see her, I am sure she would go. She would want him to answer some tough questions though before she forgave him.

Whilst it is tempting to tell the children what is going on, it isn't always the best thing to do but what is done is done and can't be undone, so I wouldn't worry too much now. I would not mention the CSA in front of the children again - they don't need to know what is going on unless he instigates it and they are involved directly. The children need to make up their own minds about him and will realise soon enough what they are like. None of us are perfect and we all have done or said things that we regret. The thing to do though is to learn from those things and protect our children from the hurt and rejection that so often accompanies divorce/splits. We won't always make the right decisions and that is fine too as long as it was right at the time and we can reflect on our actions, then the our best is all we can do.