Ex-Husband left work to avoid paying maintenance

alibrockett

Hi
My ex-husband is leaving his job today because he doesn't want to pay me any child maintenance for his 2 children. He was paying regular DEO payments through the CSA. He was a pub tenant and he had a joint salary with his new wife, plus flat, all bills covered and food and drink! But I only claimed on his half of the salary which was minimal! Then he moved jobs and the payments stopped! The CSA took 6 months to re-start the claim as theri computer system got stuck on our case! Once the letter landed on my ex - he was furious. He stopped the regular money his Mum paid to the kids savings for their activities! He turned up at my house with his wife and verbally abused me - his wife threatened my life! I asked the CSA to look at the assessment and they were able to half it by spreading the arrears over a longer period of time and reducing them to 5%. But that wasn't enough and now he is unemployed. So I will get nothing! His wife is going to get a job instaed! I am so cross. The arrears will always be there I know, but they are only 5% now instead of 40%, as it was re-assessed on my request. Why did I do this as it has got me nowhere! I feel like reducing the contact he has with the children? Each time they go (every other weekend plus teas and some holidays) I dread the kids coming back as they tell me so much rubbish and everything is my fault!!!! help?

gemineyegirl

Hi Ali,
I can fully appreciate your situation as I have a similar story.
My ex husband claimed sickness benefits for 4 years to avoid paying me.
What he didn't bank on was my daughter staying on at 6 th form and as he has run up such massive debts (hahaha) to himself living on the dole as it were , he has now had to return to work.
The courts have been useless and so has the csa, although after I consistently pestered the csa until they forced him to pay a fiver a week-which I delighte in informing my daughter how much her daddy thought of her!! I am now trying the 'new csa' so we will see what they can do-prob nothing.
You don't mention how old your children are but I can say time heals............a bit!, and as they get older , they do begin to realise the unfairness of it all, and unfortunately, they become a little cynical too, especially when they see the effect it has on your finances. Don't try and make up for what they have not got-let them see and understand that some things will have to change and the reasons why. You can't live feeling guilty all the time and by the way-it's not your fault.

alibrockett

My children are 13 and 10 years old. My eldest son is already losing respect for his Dad. And undersatnds that we are poor because his Dad doesn't help me support them financially. But my daughter is insistent that daddy's new wife is lovely and plays games with her which infuriates.
I have made an appointment to see a solicitor on Monday. Just to see if there is anything I can do. Even a letter stopping him from coming round here whenever he feels like it would satisfy me!

snowmaid

gemineyegirl wrote: »

Hi Ali,
I can fully appreciate your situation as I have a similar story.
My ex husband claimed sickness benefits for 4 years to avoid paying me.
What he didn't bank on was my daughter staying on at 6 th form and as he has run up such massive debts (hahaha) to himself living on the dole as it were , he has now had to return to work.
The courts have been useless and so has the csa, although after I consistently pestered the csa until they forced him to pay a fiver a week-which I delighte in informing my daughter how much her daddy thought of her!! I am now trying the 'new csa' so we will see what they can do-prob nothing.
You don't mention how old your children are but I can say time heals............a bit!, and as they get older , they do begin to realise the unfairness of it all, and unfortunately, they become a little cynical too, especially when they see the effect it has on your finances. Don't try and make up for what they have not got-let them see and understand that some things will have to change and the reasons why. You can't live feeling guilty all the time and by the way-it's not your fault.

This makes me so sad 'I delighte in informing my daughter how much her daddy thought of her!! '

Can I ask you what you have accomplished by doing this? All you have done is make your daughter feel awful and unloved while your ex is untouched.

It's not necessary to bad mouth the other parent. If the other parent is that much of an @ss, the child will find that out by themselves eventually. I know it is so difficult when the other parent won't do their bit, but it isn't necessary to have the child in turmoil.

That said, I cannot fathom why a parent would go to such lengths to avoid paying towards the upkeep of their child?

Why do men think that just because they have divorced the mother, that the child stops being their responsibility?

Men who go to such lengths as to stop working, hide their income to avoid contributing to the care of their children are beneath contempt. Why can't the 2 parents sit down amicably and go through the actual costs of the child, without the woman inflating costs and the dad contributing a fair share.

This tit for tat, using the child, bad mouthing the parent, giving up work, etc is all so tacky! :rolleyes:

snowmaid

alibrockett wrote: »

My children are 13 and 10 years old. My eldest son is already losing respect for his Dad. And undersatnds that we are poor because his Dad doesn't help me support them financially. But my daughter is insistent that daddy's new wife is lovely and plays games with her which infuriates.
I have made an appointment to see a solicitor on Monday. Just to see if there is anything I can do. Even a letter stopping him from coming round here whenever he feels like it would satisfy me!

Don't let your jealousy get in the way of your better judgement. Your child has enough love for everyone. My children call their step mom 'Mum' and in fact she is on holiday at ours for 2 weeks visiting my kids, yes, she is living with us! It is hard to see your children warming to the new wife and maybe seeing your ex treat her better than he did you, but your children are your children, no matter what. Remember, while you may tell your children all your ex's bad faults, they will remember yours too, including your viciousness etc. Rather be the fair loving parent, than the bad mouthing, spiteful one.

alibrockett

I have tried sitting down and talking amicably - but I'm afraid it doesn't work in this case! Unfortunately.

I have to bite my tongue and bottle things up when I hear the children saying things that infuriate me regarding my ex and his wife. But this isn't doing me any good and I actaully fell quite depressed about the whole situation!

black-saturn

My ex is the same. He got made redundant almost a year ago but says he doesn't want another job because now he doesn't have to pay me any maintenance. I'm quite happy with that though as it means I don't have anything to do with him anymore. I didn't need his money anyway.

snowmaid

alibrockett wrote: »

I have tried sitting down and talking amicably - but I'm afraid it doesn't work in this case! Unfortunately.

I have to bite my tongue and bottle things up when I hear the children saying things that infuriate me regarding my ex and his wife. But this isn't doing me any good and I actaully fell quite depressed about the whole situation!

You know, my parents divorced when I was 8 (now 40! :eek: ) My dad had his faults, but what I remember most is my mom running him down in front of me. And the other thing I remember is that no matter what my Dad was thinking, he NEVER ran my mom down to us and as we grew older we discovered all her faults!

In my divorce I tried as much as possible to ensure my kids respected their dad and his wife. Not an easy task I assure you! His wife always tried to show me up in one way or the other due to her own insecurities. Now the children know exactly what she is like etc, without me having to run them down and they tell me I was a saint to have handled everything the way I did!

You will hear that he doesn't have extra money and then hear how they went on holiday and this will gall you, not only because he won't give you extra, but because they are daring to have a good time!

Try and refrain from bad mouthing - it will do you and your children good! :T

snowmaid

black-saturn wrote: »

My ex is the same. He got made redundant almost a year ago but says he doesn't want another job because now he doesn't have to pay me any maintenance. I'm quite happy with that though as it means I don't have anything to do with him anymore. I didn't need his money anyway.

:T :j

Now that is the attitude!! He is the one who will have to live with the guilt knowing what he has done! You will be free!

gypsyjanet

Alibrocket, Dont be disheartened at the end of the day you are only human
and these emotions are unfortunately a natural symptom of your circumstances.
Not every one can proffess to being perfect . Unfortunately I have seen too many friends who have broken marriages and seen the children pick on the mother because she cant give the kids the lovelly gifts that the fathers suddenly start bestowing on them when they split.
My daughter blames me for being poor and when she does I ask he if she wants to go and live permenantly with her alcoholic dad?
She hates him but it has nothing to do with anythng I have said or done, he nearly killed her one day when he was about to drive with her in his car. He had a siezure caused from his drinking .
Keep your chin up and just keep on going .

gemineyegirl

Id like to suggest snowmaid reads the post on the forum about the csa and then tell me not to bad mouth!! I have got every reason and its small wonder I haven't done it more. Just for the record my daughter has never felt unloved and as she was 14 at the time she well understood what a w****** he was and still is.