Can anyone help me help my father?

C_Mababejive

Of course you are concerned for your father and that is natural and normal. In such circs we propose what we think will fix it and make things better but often it doesnt. Dad sounds like he is rather down and maybe depressed. Maybe he has lost a little bit of hope and its important that he doesnt lose all hope.

He seems to be entrenched in negative thinking.

May i recommend that YOU but a book called Brilliant CBT by Stephen Briers,,have a good read and try to recognise the processes which are going on.

It might help you and it might help dad..

Fire_Fox

jenniewb wrote: »

Heart scare = triple heart bypass.

I don't think its so much that it limits his life, just that its given him cause for thought- he started looking around him and saying everyone around him has moved away or died...he has no point.

It is irritating about the voluntary work thing- I volunteer and get so much out of it but he wont even consider it, its as if he can't see the bigger picture or gets anything from giving something back. I've given up trying to convince him about this because it feels like I'm bashing my head against a wall.

He does regularly go to the gym but only ever exercises alone. Thats another thing I've tried to convince him of but he wont do any group exercises saying they are all for women. To be honest I'd rather he did less at the gym because he doesn't exercise properly- he just sits on the bike and ramps up 'miles' yet wont cycle outside. I know its not going to work out your body if your doing the same thing all the time but for whatever reason h just doesn't hear me.

The walking site looks good though- thanks, I'll print some stuff out for him. He does walk quite a bit already so should be of some use to him

Have Phase 4 Cardiac Rehab - usually hospital outpatients - have signed him off now? If so he needs a programme review at the gym from a decent trainer, ideally one qualified in GP Referrals. Plenty of classes have more men or as many men as women now - Boxercise, circuit training, spinning (stationary bikes which cannot coast, so way tougher than the bikes in the gym) and sometimes BodyPump.

Can you get hold of a studio programme with names of instructors and descriptions on? Depending what sort of gym it is reception/ centre manager might be willing to conspire with you to have him approached by one of the trainers, ideally a male who happens to teach group exercise. But don't do this if he is still seeing the Cardiac Rehab team and not unless you are confident the gym is aware of his bypass.

What he is doing won't do any harm, it will help somewhat with weight management and low intensity activity is beneficial in reducing risks of many health conditions even if it is not enough to measurably improve fitness levels. But he is way out of date thinking all classes are just for women, that's not been the case for years.

jenniewb

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Have Phase 4 Cardiac Rehab - usually hospital outpatients - have signed him off now? If so he needs a programme review at the gym from a decent trainer, ideally one qualified in GP Referrals. Plenty of classes have more men or as many men as women now - Boxercise, circuit training, spinning (stationary bikes which cannot coast, so way tougher than the bikes in the gym) and sometimes BodyPump.

Can you get hold of a studio programme with names of instructors and descriptions on? Depending what sort of gym it is reception/ centre manager might be willing to conspire with you to have him approached by one of the trainers, ideally a male who happens to teach group exercise. But don't do this if he is still seeing the Cardiac Rehab team and not unless you are confident the gym is aware of his bypass.

What he is doing won't do any harm, it will help somewhat with weight management and low intensity activity is beneficial in reducing risks of many health conditions even if it is not enough to measurably improve fitness levels. But he is way out of date thinking all classes are just for women, that's not been the case for years.

Your speaking to the converted

I've been a member of a gym more years then I care to remember and have been to pretty much al the different chains at one time or another and taken up most classes (with the exception of Zumba because it doesn't quite grab me).

I have suggested boxercise, circuit, army/cadet type classes as well as Pilataes and many other classes, I have to be honest, I've yet to be in a class which has more men in then women, closest I came to was the circuit classes where it was 50/50 (the very 'fit' gym instructor was probably the reason for that...) I don't think he will even entertain trying anything I have suggested in regards to exercise just simply because its me that has suggested them.
I know someone who attends his gym and being a very very posh gym, once they knew of the heart attack they got the fitness manager involved, cornered him and gave him a workout plan which he did seem grateful for at the time. That seemed to last about a week and he's back to old tricks all be it on a reduced level (i.e 1 hour cycling rather then 2-3). I am not so concerned about this because I think he is in safe hands.

I think he has been discharged. He was given some healthy eating info but appears not to have understood- he now drinks oringina instead of coke because he thinks its healthier...I let him know it was just as sugary and maybe to look at the lower sugar options, next time I went to visit he was mixing Oringina with concerntrated (full sugar) orange juice saying it was not sweet enough and thought it would be better. In terms of food and exercise I think it all falls on deaf ears, he has to want to change for anything to happen and I don't think he wants to change.

He does know how to eat healthily- he just opts not to. It is annoying and worrying and disappointing and anger provoking and everything else and I wasted so much energy trying to get him to see the problems he was creating for himself so at least he can make an informed choice but he wont see things (although I think he is full aware wont think sensibly about things) and continues to make excuses ("but those sugar free drinks are for women" "but they don't taste as nice" "I can't eat anything, I may as well starve" "I only eat one meal a day" (apparently unless it comes heated and when your sitting on a chair it doesn't count, walking around when eating doesn't count and milkshakes don't count as a meal/food) "I can eat anything I want because I exercise"....) food/exercise advice sadly does not get respected or adhered to if they come from me. I've been trying for years!
Hence thinking the only advice I can offer him to maybe at least widen his life, give him more to live for then the next meal.

Fire_Fox

If he won't even take the advice of professionals I'm back to saying he probably needs treating for depression, or you need to accept you cannot help him.

Ratio of men to women in studio classes definitely depends on the instructor as well as the type of class - fit women teaching spinning, ex army leading circuits and a martial artist teaching Boxercise has elicited the most male participants IME. It will vary with the clientele of the club and time of day too.

lessonlearned

Just a thought. Is your dad on medication,this could be causing depression.

This happened to my father after his last heart attack. He was extremely low afterwards, partly I think through fear but when I went to see him a few weeks after he returned home he would be sitting with tears streaming down his face or just staring at the wall.

We spoke to his GP about this, they changed his medication and he was fine again within a couple of weeks,

My dad wouldn't even consider volunteering, or joining things he just liked to work. After he had recovered from his heart attack he went back to work - he was over 70. He became a salesman for the AA, on a self employed basis, just did about 10 hours a week and loved it. Perhaps a little stress free job would suit your dad better than forcing him into hobbies or activities he doesn't enjoy.

Does he have a garden, can he "help" you with a bit of DIY or similar. Like your dad mine is terribly anti-social but does like to feel useful and needed.

Perhaps you dad would prefer to feel he was doing something useful and constructive rather than a hobby or acitivity "just for the sake of it" iyswim.

Good luck.

BTW Dad is now 86 and still going strong, despite losing half a lung to lung cancer in 2003. I'm beginning to think he is immortal. :rotfl:.

trumpton

Has your dad considered swimming? Our baths is full of old folk, wading up and down or just standing in the water chatting. He will think he is exercising, but it's more socialising.

I can see your concerns. I think many elderly people start to isolate themselves from social contact, especially when widowed or after health issues. It's kind of a way of protecting themselves from further loss or disappointment. Good luck with your efforts.

skipsmum

My mum goes to the healthy walking group, she really likes it. After the walk they go back to the library for a drink and some of them play cards or dominos, or get books out.
From there my mum has made a couple of friends that like to go and look at gardens (she likes that too), and found out about a couple of courses she wanted to do - one was archeological(?sp) and one is a series of talks at historical houses. Its helped her confidence and her mind (she has alzheimers).
My dad flatly refused to go out after he retired but he drove to the archeology thing and stayed and quite enjoyed it. Hes signed up for some more.

jenniewb

Thanks for the brilliant suggestions!

RE: DIY (Lessonlearned) - He has in the past few years basicly knocked down the inside of the house and rebuilt it again- all be it very lopsidedly (it doesn't look good but he is proud of it!) but he recently got a carpenter in to fix bits he has aknowledged he can't do- keeps finding new stuff for the poor guy to do so on the DIY front he seems pretty sorted. I shouldn't laugh but he really is one of those bad-DIY types (the sort you only see on various documentaries about DIY home from hell or similar!) So its not his strongest point but am wondering if he could enrole for a course at the local college- it can't make him any worse!

He did used to go swimming and enjoyed it, Trumpton. I'm not really sure why that stopped because he goes to a really plush gym where the pool has quite a decent view of the outside and is "UV treated" and kept at a specific temperature... I'll ask him again about that.

Archology does sound right up his street though- I'm going to look into that, thanks Skipsmum, he is in London so not sure there would be anything near to him but he could travel with ease as he is retired and has the time to do so.

In terms of depression (mentioned by a few) he has mental health issues to be blunt. I know this, everyone around him also knows this few if any feel able to say anything due to his reactions to things. The mental health issues and personality issues he has have definitly been around longer then I have but he wont admit them and so wont get help for them.
Growing up with things it was a big deal and he projected a lot of this onto me (calling me sick/disturbed/etc etc) or blaming my mother or me on his basicly irrational reactions to things so we don't have the best relationship as a result. Its something I'd love for him to accept and get help with but its not something we can ever talk about- it causes him to just go a bit ..... and arguements start.... I've been trying to get him to see sense for at least the last 10 years -as did family therapists (whom we had to see because I managed to grow myself an eating disorder) but I have to now stop myself from doing this because it helps no one and if he gets angry or upset now I worry about the consequences where I didn't used to worry as much in the past. Would love for him to see sense though!

WelshWoofer

Just a thought, what about the Ramblers association or a local walking group (google them, there are usually loads in most areas).
For more of a social thing not based around exercise have a look at the Spice groups - they do everything from walking, cycling, abseiling etc to pub nights, meals out, meeting birds of prey, theatre/cinema etc.
http://www.spiceuk.com/groups?handshaked=true
I joined 6 months ago and have never been sorry - the age range is from about 30 to 75 - different groups of people tend to do different types of things.
You don't have to be online either, if you phone them they'll send you a full brochure of events every 3 months or so and you can phone to book them or do it online. There is something for everyone - whether its jumping out of a plane or going for a sunday lunch and a natter.

skipsmum

jenniewb wrote: »

Archology does sound right up his street though- I'm going to look into that, thanks Skipsmum, he is in London so not sure there would be anything near to him but he could travel with ease as he is retired and has the time to do so.

We are SE london, in a very urban area. There is archeology everywhere!