Can anyone help me help my father?

jenniewb

My dad is fast approaching 70. He lives alone although is visited by the rest of the family (he has children, grandchildren and cousins) regularly but has recently had a heart scare and has, as many do at this age, lost many friends as time goes by.

I think he is quite lonely and seems to be quite down about things when I've seen him.

I want to try find some options for things for him to do, its hard for me to think because he is a very different person to me and suggestions I've made with things like voluntary work have not gone down well (they worked well for me!)

He also is very sensitive about his age, anything labelled along the lines of "silver surfers" or similar is not going to get a second thought and any suggestions of that within my local area were sneered at. I had wondered about websites/forums he could join but wasn't sure where to start being that he is not a fan of computers (and refuses point blank to take any of the freebie courses at his local library).

Has anyone been in a similar situation and had any luck? I just want to find something social for him to get in to.

Mojisola

Won't do voluntary work, won't join clubs, not a fan of computers - you've got your work cut out!

Frankly, he can make the choice between being lonely or getting out and joining something. If he chooses to stay lonely, there's not much you can do.

Fire_Fox

What do you mean by a heart scare? Some conditions are far more limiting or represent a greater safety issue than others. What are his hobbies or interests? Is he being treated for clinical depression? If not he will likely be far more negative/ resistant.

What about asking his GP for a referral to the local Exercise for Health scheme, going directly to the council gyms, or joining a walking group? Physical activity benefits his heart health and mental wellbeing, get him meeting people in group exercise or at the gym or pool. Walking for Health groups are generally supervised by someone with first aid training, and some groups are tailored more for those who are older, beginners or with a health issue http://www.walkingforhealth.org.uk/
Or a healthy eating/ cooking course or workshops?

Apollonia

jenniewb wrote: »

My dad is fast approaching 70. He lives alone although is visited by the rest of the family (he has children, grandchildren and cousins) regularly but has recently had a heart scare and has, as many do at this age, lost many friends as time goes by.

I think he is quite lonely and seems to be quite down about things when I've seen him.

I want to try find some options for things for him to do, its hard for me to think because he is a very different person to me and suggestions I've made with things like voluntary work have not gone down well (they worked well for me!)

He also is very sensitive about his age, anything labelled along the lines of "silver surfers" or similar is not going to get a second thought and any suggestions of that within my local area were sneered at. I had wondered about websites/forums he could join but wasn't sure where to start being that he is not a fan of computers (and refuses point blank to take any of the freebie courses at his local library).

Has anyone been in a similar situation and had any luck? I just want to find something social for him to get in to.

These phrases are what seemed to me to be most prominent in your post:

I think he is quite lonely...

I want to try find some options for things for him to do...

I just want to find something social for him...

I'm getting the impression that he hasn't complained about being lonely or needing something 'social' to fill the time between the regular family visits you mention. Your post appears to be more about what you think he should be doing.

My parents are about the same age as your father and just recently my sister seems to have developed the idea that she needs to interfere in their lives and make suggestions about how they should be living.

I say leave him in peace unless he has said he wants to find a hobby or whatever.

podperson

Firstly - does he actually want to be more social? While it can be hard to understand if you're a social person then some people are quite happy in their own company and would resent being pushed into something for the sake of it.

If he does genuinely seem a bit lonely then think about what kind of things he likes. Does he like exercise (of course bearing in mind what he's ok to do if he still has heart issues!), being outdoors, reading, films, history, going to the pub, music, etc. Then you might have more idea of what would appeal to him.

j.e.j.

I think the OP seems genuinely concerned about her dad being down in the dumps, and implying she might be being an interfering so-and-so seems a bit harsh!

My FiL was a bit like this. Turned his nose up at the thought of silver surfers, lol, and although he was a friendly enough person he wasn't much of a 'joiner'. He did use to enjoy things like having a friend (or friends) round for a game of cards or dominoes. Would that be something your dad might be interested in, OP? Perhaps it doesn't sound like much, but it might just lift his spirits a bit.

pollypenny

That's precisely the problem I had with my aunt. She has spurned so many hands of friendship.

I think you just have to leave him to find his own way if encouragement hasn't worked.

Edwardia

My mother was widowed two years ago next month. She has been madly filling her life with activities and it hasn't helped in the slightest. She's now stressed and feeling she doesn't have time for housework, let alone watching a film or reading a book. She and my father were quite social and she feels like a third wheel out with couples or groups of people and that makes her lonely. I see her every week and talk to her every day.

Unlike my parents and his too, OH and I are not the least bit social - we don't even socialise with each other much ! Thankfully his daughter lives abroad so there won't be anyone telling us to take up bowling :rotfl:

I suggest asking what he wants. Might take a while before he opens up.

jenniewb

Fire_Fox wrote: »

What do you mean by a heart scare? Some conditions are far more limiting or represent a greater safety issue than others. What are his hobbies or interests? Is he being treated for clinical depression? If not he will likely be far more negative/ resistant.

What about asking his GP for a referral to the local Exercise for Health scheme, going directly to the council gyms, or joining a walking group? Physical activity benefits his heart health and mental wellbeing, get him meeting people in group exercise or at the gym or pool. Walking for Health groups are generally supervised by someone with first aid training, and some groups are tailored more for those who are older, beginners or with a health issue http://www.walkingforhealth.org.uk/
Or a healthy eating/ cooking course or workshops?

Heart scare = triple heart bypass.

I don't think its so much that it limits his life, just that its given him cause for thought- he started looking around him and saying everyone around him has moved away or died...he has no point.

It is irritating about the voluntary work thing- I volunteer and get so much out of it but he wont even consider it, its as if he can't see the bigger picture or gets anything from giving something back. I've given up trying to convince him about this because it feels like I'm bashing my head against a wall.


He does regularly go to the gym but only ever exercises alone. Thats another thing I've tried to convince him of but he wont do any group exercises saying they are all for women. To be honest I'd rather he did less at the gym because he doesn't exercise properly- he just sits on the bike and ramps up 'miles' yet wont cycle outside. I know its not going to work out your body if your doing the same thing all the time but for whatever reason h just doesn't hear me.

The walking site looks good though- thanks, I'll print some stuff out for him. He does walk quite a bit already so should be of some use to him

jenniewb

Apollonia wrote: »

These phrases are what seemed to me to be most prominent in your post:

I think he is quite lonely...

I want to try find some options for things for him to do...

I just want to find something social for him...

I'm getting the impression that he hasn't complained about being lonely or needing something 'social' to fill the time between the regular family visits you mention. Your post appears to be more about what you think he should be doing.

My parents are about the same age as your father and just recently my sister seems to have developed the idea that she needs to interfere in their lives and make suggestions about how they should be living.

I say leave him in peace unless he has said he wants to find a hobby or whatever.

He has said he is lonely but seems very sure there is nothing he can do. He has said that since being retired he has no one to socialise with and used to have a part time job but it got too stressful (he hints at it causing the heart scare but personally, I think its his unhealthy diet and it would seem the tests and the Doctors also think this...)

It is a loneliness thing, sorry if my original post wasn't clear!

jenniewb

podperson wrote: »

Firstly - does he actually want to be more social? While it can be hard to understand if you're a social person then some people are quite happy in their own company and would resent being pushed into something for the sake of it.

If he does genuinely seem a bit lonely then think about what kind of things he likes. Does he like exercise (of course bearing in mind what he's ok to do if he still has heart issues!), being outdoors, reading, films, history, going to the pub, music, etc. Then you might have more idea of what would appeal to him.

Thanks for the tips, yes he does want to be more social. He does seem to be doing an awful lot of moaning "people have gone away" "people have moved on" "people are not the same anymore"....I am beginning to think differently though after writing this out and am wondering just how much of this is about not taking responsibility and also about feeling rubbish because people have died or so on and just projecting it all onto blaming other people rather then thinking *** happens and you just have to deal with it and try to make a better day.

I don't think its a case of him being overwhelmed with things and feeling rubbish but that he is expecting or waiting for someone else to help or fix things for him. I hope I'm not coming across as harsh here- its not meant to be, but it just seems that every option I can think of he has knocked it back which makes me think that the suggestions are not the problem, something else is (if that makes sense!)

I'm going to make a few suggestions to him about the walking club but will remind him that there is only so much I can do and he needs to try himself- maybe also mention that I think he is projecting stuff onto blaming others as its easier but that is a habit of a lifetime so not sure if that will work!