How you cope with frivolous family?

Th1984

@Mistral001.

That was a very useful post to read. I know I have a much higher salary than both of our parents however instead of getting annoyed that they just seem to blast through cash they haven't got I probably need to take some time to accept our situation.

This is our reality for the next 4 years and it has been a real shock. IN the last 7 years my pay has shot up ridiculously and there has been plenty of well paid overtime and seemingly endless free credit to go with it. Now the credit is expensive, the pay rises modest at best and no overtime. I just cant understand the mentality of burning through the rest of your cash and then hitting the credit cards without a second thought, every month.

But as others have said, I will get my own house in order then be there to give credible advice when theirs comes crashing down!

thanks all

RuthnJasper

Mistral001 wrote: »

When things started to get tough for me a couple of years ago, I was very very aware of my family and friends around me who had a lot of money (whether their own or borrowed) to spend and seemed to spend it on frivolous things.

It took me a good two months just to get used to MY new situation. It took a while for me to get used to the fact that others around you have more money and more choices they can make as a result.

I found that I had actually to cut back on my contact with a lot of people as there were conversations I just could not take part in. For example the standard conversation of discussing holidays. As I could not afford them it was a bit of a one-sided conversation.

It was exactly the same for me. "No, thank you." was a very painful phrase for me for a long while; but now I have no qualms about being honest and saying "I'm sorry but I can't afford it this month."

OP - It won't always be this wretched; but certainly it can feel like it sometimes. The others who have posted above have made some really good suggestions. I ended up ditching the TV altogether (I still have it for watching videos and DVDs, but it's not hooked up to an aerial) - now I go out and about on walks and in the garden and read books, etc. I'm much happier now than I ever was when I was a slave to money!

Keep going - and keep smiling (even when it seems grim!). xx

R_P_W

You can review your grocery shopping and you may even get it down by say 20% (maybe more) and you can not renew your sky and you can cut back in some other areas - but being honest thats only going to free you up a couple of hundred quid a month.

Your two largets monthly expenses (aprt from debt repayments) are your rent and your petrol. You say your house is in a rural location and far away from your work? Can you move? Don't which part of the country you are living in at the moment but if you could reduce your rent by couple of hundred and half your travel to work in combination with other cuts that going to give you more like 500 a month extra to pay towards your debts.

Your bringing home just shy of 4 grand a month which is a great wage (probably 4 times more than a lot of people on here) so you really need to cut back and use as much as you can to pay down that debt.

runninglea

could you cut down to one car - It will be hard at first but will save you on insurance etc

Th1984

we live in the south of England, 925 is a pretty good rent for a rural 3 bed cottage with a fair bit of land to keep chickens etc. Plus the in laws are only down the road so they get time with DS and we get the odd break.

Moving is probably a step I am not willing to take as we love our house and at worst can afford to live there without incurring anymore debt and making a significant chunk go away each month.

As for 1 car, we tried it last year but it is just not workable, and would also completely remove the option of my DW returning to work as there definitely is no work in our village, population 50 odd....

Tixy

The £185 surplus you are showing? do you have this and are you putting it towards your debts?

If you do, and if your APRs are all correct then you could be debt free within 2years (thats a rough estimate but put the figures into the snowball calc for an accurate figure). - EDIT snowball says 21months if you pay £1330 a month.

So if you are happy with 2 years you don't necessarily need to cut down on any of the items you have listed.

That said I'd agree with trying to reduce the grocery spend a little, have a look for tips on cheaper nappies and baby 'stuff' which might help. Though if a chunk of this is going on feeding extended family then that could be the reason it looks high.

As to the family comment - just try to stay strong and keep re-iterating that you are not spending frivolously. If it helps tell them you are working on clearing the debts in 2 years so that you can then save for X (something they'll be jealous of perhaps - a family holiday to somewhere perhaps).

Or perhaps say you are hoping to clear the debt so DW dosesn't have to go back to work as you think her being able to spend quality time at home with the children is far more important than buying coffee is a multi-national coffee shop, or far more important than the kids having designer clothes etc.

missrlr

It is difficult, how about saying coffee at ours with homemade cakes / biscuits and getting the little one involved in the baking? Then you can say - little one can go to yours next time and bake then we can come to yours for coffee, you get time "off" or free, they are encouraged to do something it's just one way of breaking the habit of the parents.

Most of the time with people I have found it is habit rather than necessity that feeds the "let's do ..." scenarios and so it's a case of working out what options you can present that meet the social aspect without compromising the financial ones.

Other than that you need to maximize the growing space you have and get the shopping bill down.

Could you car share with parents? presumably DW is not going to work until after maternity for second child so this might be a year away? Can you do without a car until then? Do you have the most economical car for the journey you are doing? Can you car share some or all of the journey with colleagues? Even if you only share part way can reduce the car costs considerably.

Other than that I am afraid you need to say no, or just budget for say once a month and say this to parents. Make a whole morning out of it,

Glad you are both in the same mindset, but can your DW do something local / home based to assist with income, this is the only way you have to get there any faster, other than a lottery win!

DebtFreeMrsC

Hi

Do you have the 185 pounds your SOA says you have left over every month? If so I think you can manage if your wife does not want to go back to work just yet - and besides with sky high child care costs it would wipe out any wage!

You could cut back the edges of some of your expenses (try shopping in Aldi for example, as the prices are much lower than Tesco, and supersix veg are a brilliant bargain each week), maybe just freeing up and extra 50 pound a month. That would pay off your sofa loan in 2 months giving you a mental boost and then just move onto the next debt. You'll be debt free sooner than you think and without feeling that you have really had to go without, or forcing your wife back to work sooner than she wants.

Obviously though - you may prefer to get debt free quicker and her taking a job might work for you. I think its about what you can live with and what makes you most comfortable.

With regard to parents - I understand how hard that must be. Perhaps next time they ring and invite you for coffee say yes, but suggest meeting in the park? And then take a flask of coffee with you?

Good luck
MrsC

mrsb83_2

I've learnt that it's a total waste of energy to worry about/try to change others' spending habits.

Stick to your own game and you'll get there.

Your grocery bill can definitely be reduced, as others have mentioned, and with very little pain. I went from £80 a week to £60 without really noticing and certainly without sacrificing good food.

Set your budget, make sure it's realistic, then stick to it and learn to say "no thanks".

bargainbetty

Th1984 wrote: »

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Virgin BT Card.................3924......218.......0
Santander Loan.................18105.....474.......14.9
Dad............................1250......250.......0
HFC Sofa Loan..................524.7.....53........0
Uncle..........................945.......150.......0
Total unsecured debts..........24748.7...1145......- !

According to this, you have £1250 going out to your Dad for another five months. By then, your sofa debt will be about £250, so you could pay that off in one hit with 'Dad' money in month six, meaning that in six months, you could have an additional £303 per month in your budget. You'll only owe your uncle £45 by then too, and you could probably get that out of your change jar by then

If you can stick to this, in six months you will have £453 extra per month. Throw that at your BT card, and that's gone within a further four/five months. In a year, you could clear everything except your loan. If you really wanted to go nuts, you could save the same sums into an account and overpay your loan, clearing it in a further 12 months. How did you get to four years?

Or, and here's a thought.... you could have your family over to lunch or go for a few coffees!

In the meantime, I know it's really hard telling people that you can't do something, but you have to be honest. When they ask to come visit, ask them to bring a contribution to the table instead of gifts. If they don't usually bring gifts, ask for a contribution to the table anyway!

Ask for seeding veggies for the garden, or herb pots that can contribute to your budget by saving you money. Budget for food when they do come, and make sure you don't have enough in the fridge to be eaten out of house and home . Big pots of soup for lunch, stews for tea etc - cheap, filling meals. Instead of expensive excursions, family cake/bread-making sessions are generally hilarious, and strikingly competitive after a while.

Or say no. Say 'We can't afford that, we are paying off our debts'. If you tell them you are saving for something, the assumption is that you will ahave the treat and put less away. If you are frank about the debt, then you can say no far more easily. Eventually, it is easier, I promise!