Dear Cash Generator

sephrenia · 7 August 2012 at 5:47PM

Dear Cash Generator,

I know that you hate statutory consumer rights, truly I do. Why else would you only allow only 24 hours to return a mobile phone if it doesn’t work? I am willing to accept that flaw though because, in general, I love how you help those with no money to sell what little goods they may possess.

I have to ask you though, why would you abuse my love by refusing to honour the 24 hour rule you have in place? It’s not like it’s a big thing, losing £65 pounds when you have little spare money to begin with, is it?

I love your ‘batteries not included’ clause for returns, especially as it must have superior ninja skills considering I can’t find it anywhere on your very own website. If you could teach me those ninja skills, I for one, would be very impressed as then perhaps my dear children would behave a little better for fear of not knowing where or when I may turn up right behind them. But I digress.

I also have to say, I adore the helpfulness of your staff when, on hearing that the Blackberry Storm 2 I purchased from yourselves had a battery and phone fault, they promptly went deaf. Never mind that a Blackberry, once it starts rebooting randomly, is little more than a fancy brick, oh no, your staff go that one step further and display an awesome aptitude for selective hearing and focus on the battery itself, invoking that dreaded spell, ‘batteries aren’t included in the cover’.

Now, most people would cower in fear from that dreaded spell, but not I for you, dear shop worker, are merely an apprentice magician and I have talked to your master, The Head Office. I have been informed that the magician who taught you the spell of ‘Batteries Not Included’ (the regional manager) will be told of your awesome ninja skills and will get back to me as soon as he is able. I shan’t hold my breath.

Instead, I have a spell with even greater power known as, ‘Trading Standards’ and shall invoke that just as soon as I can catch the sacrificial chicken that appears to be hiding under my bed.

In case this letter has gone above your heads, I shall merely say that, you sirs, are idiots and I wouldn’t expect you to be able to sort out what trousers you’re wearing for the day, never mind the problems that you yourselves have caused.

Kind Regards,

Emma.