Explaining the concept of death to young children

stsarina

My DD is 3 (4 in December) and her great-grandmother is in the final stages of chronic kidney failure - we're anticipating that the end will come by the end of this month.

DD is very close to her, and whilst we've explained that Granny is ill and the doctors are looking after her, I have absolutely no idea where to begin to explain the finality of what's coming. DD understands a lot and we don't like to lie to her about such things, but I just don't know what to say to her about this. Are there any good ways to explain it or any good books anyone can recommend for a child that age to help them come to terms with it?

PasturesNew

She's gone to live with her husband and the angels.

GobbledyGook

There are lots of books that are good (there's one about a dog and a frog that's quite good, I can't remember the title though sorry).

With it being a Great-Grandmother I'd be tempted to go down the road of when someone gets very old their body stops working so well road.

Personally to me the most important thing is to make sure no-one describes it as going to sleep forever. A well meaning friend mentioned that to my daughter when my Nana died and she was scared of sleeping for ages in case she didn't wake up.

I_try

There is a series of 'Mog' books. In one of those Mog the main character dies. You'll find it in Waterstones if you want to have a look through it to see if that is suitable.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Well done for being so sensible in planning on how to prepare for your little girl for such a distressing situation. Hugs to you all.

snapping_crocodile

Hi. Sorry to hear you are going through this. A colleague of mine went through this recently and was recommended the book Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley. Two people I know have used this book now and both say it was very helpful. You can find it on amazon

Racheldevon

Margot Sunderland (of IATE and child centre for mental health) has co-written a good range of stories avaiable on amazon

There's also this resource which is well regarded: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talking-Children-Young-People-About/dp/1843104415/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1344172774&sr=8-3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I_try wrote: »

There is a series of 'Mog' books. In one of those Mog the main character dies. You'll find it in Waterstones if you want to have a look through it to see if that is suitable.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Well done for being so sensible in planning on how to prepare for your little girl for such a distressing situation. Hugs to you all.

Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr is probably the most wonderful book for explaining things. I'm a hardhearted old cowbag with zero religious belief, but flicking through it in the bookshop nearly reduced me to tears.

Never used it with the girls, they'd already experienced bereavement by the time I found it, but I would have used it without hesitation if I'd known about it beforehand.


Just reading the blurb from Amazon nearly gets me now.

'Mog was tired. She was dead tired…Mog thought, ‘I want to sleep for ever.’ And so she did. But a little bit of her stayed awake to see what would happen next.

Mog keeps watch over the upset Thomas family, who miss her terribly, and she wonders how they will ever manage without her. Nothing happens for some time…then suddenly, one day, Mog sees a little kitten in the house. The kitten is frightened of everything – noise, newspapers, bags and being picked up. Mog thinks the kitten is very stupid.

But then Mog realises that the nervous kitten doesn’t know how to play and just needs ‘a little bit of help’. And so, Mog pushes the surprised kitten into Debbie’s lap, where it finds it actually likes being tickled and stroked.

The new family pet is settled in at last. But Debbie says she will always remember Mog.
‘So I should hope,’ thinks Mog. And she flies up and up and up right into the sun.'

ali-t

Don't lie to her. If children only know part of a story they (Like adults do) will fill in the gaps. If/when they find out what they thought isn't true it is heartache all over again.

Don't tell her that your relative has gone to sleep - cue petrified child too scared to sleep and terrified that the rest of you will die when you go to sleep.

marisco_2

I would keep it very simple with a child so young. Has your daughter seen her great grandmother recently or would it be to upsetting for her? I lost my great grandmother when I was 9, we were also extremely close, and I insisted on being allowed to say goodbye. I regret it to this day as she looked terribly ill and barely knew who I was. It would have been far better if I could have remembered her as she was before she fell ill.

When her great grandmother passes, gently tell your daughter that she has died. Explain that she was ill and is now out of any pain. Whether or not you decide to bring angels and heaven into the discussion depends on your beliefs. She will probably be very upset and have lots of questions. I would be lead by what she says and asks, answer honestly at a level you feel is appropriate for her.

After my great grandmothers funeral my siblings and cousins all released balloons in her favourite colour. It helped me say a special goodbye to her.

DVardysShadow

PasturesNew wrote: »

She's gone to live with her husband and the angels.

OP says

stsarina wrote: »

... DD understands a lot and we don't like to lie to her about such things, but I just don't know what to say to her about this.

More honest to say that like lightbulbs we glow dim and we glow bright. And sometimes we grow so dim that we get taken out of our socket and no one knows what happens after that.

pearl123

My mum was told as a child that older people do eventually die as there has to be room on the planet for young babies.