How can i make naive friend see sense??

bluebird1878

As per title thread really........my best friend left her husband to go and live with some guy she had been seeing for 2 months (yes...i know!!)
Anyway, fast forward 18 months, in which time he has left her to go back to his ex twice, come crawling back, taken her on a romantic holiday and weeks later she finds texts in his phone declaring his love for the ex and saying she is the only one he truly loves.
Rather than confront him, she opts for a quiet life, visiting his family, going out with his friends (her friends don't seem to get a look in off him),basically everything he wants to do.
Now, she has reason to suspect that the ex is back on the scene, (this backed up by further texts and calls) so in a rage decide to throw him out- only for him to deny everything, crawl back in and decide to live happy families as though nothing has happened!!
I am at my wits end with her, she calls me crying,and i will always be there for her, and have been honest with her telling her that she is being made a fool of, a doormat, she's a convenience to him-in fact ive probably been quite brutal in what ive said, but i hate seeing what he's doing to her-but all she says is "i know what i should do, but i love him"-for the last 12 months or so she admitted she's in knots every tea time not knowing if he will come home from work!!!
any advice people- any will be greatfully received as im quickly running out of ideas (and going mad saying the same thing!!)-i'll never fall out with her but just dont know what more i can do....and before anyone says keep your nose out, ive tried that but when she rings at all hours crying its not so easy!!!
thanks for reading & sorry for rambling on!!:)

Tropez

There is not much you can do. She's the only one who can make the decision to leave this numpty and if whatever daft reason she isn't willing to do that then as harsh as it may sound, she'll have to deal with the grief it is going to cause her.

duchy

You can't-you have to wait until one of three things happen. She realizes for herself or he goes back to his other lady permanently or they make a go of it.

If you push too hard all you'll do is alienate her and if you do that she won't feel able to turn to you for support if she needs it further along the road.

Sorry -and I doubt I'm telling you anything you don't already know but this is when being a good friend is a lot of hard work and biting your tongue for now.

You could suggest counselling and maybe a good counseller could help her take a more objective view -sometimes it needs someone unconnected to make someone have a lightbulb moment.

DS4215

Don't, whatever you do, criticise him to her. If she stays with him you will be persona-non-gratis around them. By all means sympathise and be a shoulder to cry on, but don't do any thing that could be seen as trying to split them up.

Gra76

The second you wade in telling her the truth she doesn't want to hear she'll blame you in some small way when things go wrong. Which they will sooner rather than later by the sounds of things.

There are a few ocassions where letting people find out the hard way is for the best. This is one of them. Don't involve yourself or you'll never hear the end of it!

luxor4t

Excellent advice given already.
Like any other 'addict' she can't change until she decides to. All you can do is be there for her. She's lucky to have such friendship.

smartpicture

I actually was that person many years ago. And all I wanted from my friends was for them to listen and sympathise every time it went wrong. I did not want to hear that I had to leave him or that I was being taken for a fool (which was 100% accurate) because I knew it was impossible for me to actually do that at that time. And nothing anyone else said would change that, until I finally realised it for myself. Friends who persisted in repeating a message I wasn't ready to hear were eventually cut from my life (more fool me).

You've said your piece, now you just have to wait until she's ready to hear it - or give up on the friendship. Sadly, you can't make her see sense.

bluebird1878

Thanks guys, for all your input- im guessing maybe i should back down on being so vocal with my opinions to her and just let her get on with it and be there for her..........its going to be hard to bite my tongue!! (especially when i hate the weasel!!)- thanks again :beer:

euronorris

The next time she calls up crying, and says something like 'I know what I should do, but I love him.', you could always ask her 'But don't you love yourself too? You deserve to be happy & be treated better, don't you?'.

There are quite deep rooted self esteem issues at play here, I suspect. On some level, she doesn't think she deserves any better. So be wary of pointing out the obvious, as you have done, as it might make her feel worse. ie, 'See, I knew I was rubbish. I'm too weak to leave and I just let him do this to me. I must deserve it.'.

You need to ask her questions that get her thinking, without passing judgement directly on this man (as it may alienate her if/when she decides to take him back). Let her know that you love her and support her in whatever she does/decides. That way, she'll be more likely to come to you each time it happens.

I do wonder though, if part of her feels that she deserves this because of how she treated her last marriage (and husband). This is he 'punishment' for that. If she says anything along those lines, you can reassure her that is not the case, but even if it was hasn't she suffered enough?

Scorpio33

Just remember that when she comes to you wanting sympathy, she is showing you only the bad side of him, so you are only seeing the worst of what he is like. There may well be a better side to him which you don't see - all you can do is be there as a friend for her. trust her judgement and not to judge her too harshly.

Saying that he may be a complete tw*t, in which case she will have to learn from her own mistakes - the only thing you can do is ensure she DOES learn from past mistakes.

cavework

My old Nan would say
'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink'
Good Luck with this one you are a good friend
xx