Advice for very unhappy friend

cazziebo

MeganKate wrote: »

I think she would say that she has done that already, in 8 years she has probably spent at least 4 of those single

but is that single because "she can't find anyone" or single because it was her decision?

MeganKate

cazziebo wrote: »

but is that single because "she can't find anyone" or single because it was her decision?

I know she went a couple of years single after the break up with her serious boyfriend by choice.

MeganKate

I think her train of thought is that she isnt getting any younger and she feels like life is passing her by

fawd1

MeganKate wrote: »

I wouldnt know how to suggest that either..

I will always be there for her, but she is starting to bring me down to be honest

Thanks for the replies, they are all spot on.

Maybe suggest a very girlie, very decadent weekend (doesn't need to be OTT expensive) Agree to spend the weekend with her, sleepovers and all, and on the Friday night maybe go out ( I would actually recommend a gay bar. Lots of fun and you know when you get there that you're very unlikely to be meeting many eligible bachelors) have a blast, then have a lazy lie in on the saturday, go for a wander, cook a lovely meal and watch some videos. Alternatively go and do a class, maybe a ballroom dancing or salsa class. Something to get her active, out of her house, and not thinking about how a man will make it all better!

hazyjo

She wants to be in love - it's as simple as that. Trouble is, it's not that easy to find Mr Right!

She's probably quite intense (am like that myself). She needs to 'date' and not get involved. No sex, no wrapping herself up in someone completely and totally, keep it neutral, go for dinner, for drinks, coffee, whatever - not back to houses - and take things slow. Try dating sites, don't let her get drunk on dates, don't take things too far, just chill and keep an air of aloofness and confidence about her instead of pouring her heart out.

Does she 'thrive' on somewhat volatile relationships? Does she like to talk about how someone's upset her or the arguments she's had? People get stuck in a rut and it's hard to change. She'd probably be bored rigid with a nice normal bloke at the moment - she probably wants 'proof' that someone loves her - and that's hard to give.

As you, me and everyone else knows, she has to build up that confidence and like herself - and know she can get attention off blokes for all the right reasons. Fine to want to be with a bloke, but you have to feel like you could go out and attract blokes and that you're not with someone simply because you want to be with just anyone. The minute she's got that confidence, she'll feel less 'glued' to the person she's with.

It's a hard habit to break. I have been there and still am to a certain extent. I like 'intense'. I find it very hard to keep things light. After 3 months with someone, it's like other people's 3 years lol. But... I do feel like I can move on and not be someone's doormat, I know I can get attention for the right reasons, and I have gained a lot of confidence and, whilst not entirely happy when single, I no longer feel like I need to be with someone - and anyone who likes me will fit the bill. It's taken me a long time to realise there's more to a relationship than simply getting on well with someone, or them liking you.

I remember when I used dating sites. There were a few there wasn't chemistry with, but when one said to me he'd had a nice time but there'd be no more than friends in it, I bawled my eyes out when I got home. Yet I didn't even fancy him! He was a vicar, quite boring, very opinionated. Just not my type at all (no offence to vicars, but I've too much of the devil in me!). It's that rejection. I'm sure if he'd have asked to see me again, I would have, because he'd have liked me. I no longer feel like that. I would be the one saying 'just friends'. She needs to wait until there's a two way connection, not just try a relationship with any bloke who fancies her or shows he likes her.

Hope she finds someone lovely soon. Don't rush it though, it'll come.

Jx

fawd1

hazyjo wrote: »

She wants to be in love - it's as simple as that. Trouble is, it's not that easy to find Mr Right!

She's probably quite intense (am like that myself). She needs to 'date' and not get involved.

This. I was always always looking to be swept off of my feet, madly in love etc etc. I was very badly hurt once or twice and eventually I thought, right that's it, no more pressure. I stopped looking to find Mr Right, and thought I'll just date occasionally. I actually went out with one guy, because I was absolutely certain that not only would it not get serious, but more importantly that he would be very nice to me. I figured he was a good way to get my courage back up to start dating again. There was zero risk, and I'd just enjoy being with someone, with no expectation of it becoming anything. Six years, one wedding and two children later, I was right about one thing. He is still very very nice to me, I fell in love slowly and without expectation and am happily with someone whom I know I will always take care of, but also who takes care of me. I only got to that stage though, once I'd decided that I was going to take responsibility for my own happiness. If I had put the onus on him when we were first together, I wouldnt be where I am now. X

Pee

I have a friend who has been looking for "the one" for at least the last decade. She has fairly short term relationships with men she meets online. Fair play, she isn't fussy and seems to give everyone a chance however someone who wants to be a father and can earn enough to support himself still aludes her.

When I got together with my OH it was just a physical attraction and we were going to have some fun. Six years on, we are still having fun and we both believe it could last forever. I am sure that if I had really wanted to settle down, it would have put him off and it would have certainly put me off if he had wanted to meet "the one".

Unfortuantely, I think you do have to be happy in yourself for it to work and your friend so obviously isn't. You say she is even brining you down. I really think she should see a Doctor, because it sounds to me like she is depressed.