Advice for very unhappy friend

MeganKate

My friend got divorced 8 years ago.

SInce then she has had several relatiobships, one very serious one where he moved in for 3 years with her and her son.

The rest have not been so serious, but she has been looking for 'the one' all this time and is devastated every time a relationship ends.

She feels like she is doing something wrong

I am very concerned about her. She decided a few weeks ago to give up on trying to find 'the one' and maybe just have a 'fling' instead. This hasnt worked either and she has been left broken hearted again.

I cant say anything to make her feel better and I dont know how to help her.

Any suggestions would be great (although please not 'she should be happy on her own' because she simply isnt)

kyssyn

It's tough to give advice without more information BUT the thing her relationships have in common is her.

Is she responsible for the relationships ending?
Is she attracted to (and choosing) the wrong kind of men?
Is her desire to find 'the one' making her too intense?
If she decided 'a few weeks ago' to have a fling and was left broken-hearted by it then perhaps she's just not emotionally ready to date yet?

If it comes down to her choosing the wrong men then set her up on a date with a nice guy she wouldn't normally consider and ask her to keep an open mind. If she's not over-invested in him from the beginning maybe she'll slow down and learn to appreciate a different kind of guy who is more suitable for her.

Gigglepig

Does your friend need to learn how to live for herself and her son, without a man, and not "need" one so badly, before she's ready for one?

Most men are not looking for a "needy" partner, so becoming more independent may be a goal even if she is only doing it to attract men....

MeganKate

kyssyn wrote: »

It's tough to give advice without more information BUT the thing her relationships have in common is her.

Is she responsible for the relationships ending?

I honestly dont know, She is now thinking that it is her fault, but I dont know, she is very nice, so I couldnt pin point anything

Is she attracted to (and choosing) the wrong kind of men?

Possibly, the one that she had a long term relationship with was a bit of a 'bad boy'

Is her desire to find 'the one' making her too intense?

Possibly

If she decided 'a few weeks ago' to have a fling and was left broken-hearted by it then perhaps she's just not emotionally ready to date yet?

Think she was more thinking that a less 'serious' relationship might work, but he has ended up sleeping with her, then avoiding her, so she now feels used

If it comes down to her choosing the wrong men then set her up on a date with a nice guy she wouldn't normally consider and ask her to keep an open mind. If she's not over-invested in him from the beginning maybe she'll slow down and learn to appreciate a different kind of guy who is more suitable for her.

There is no way that she would go on a date with someone I set up for her. She would probably get mad at me for trying to help and then she would find something wrong with him

I would love to though!

MeganKate

Gigglepig wrote: »

Does your friend need to learn how to live for herself and her son, without a man, and not "need" one so badly, before she's ready for one?

Most men are not looking for a "needy" partner, so becoming more independent may be a goal even if she is only doing it to attract men....

Yes she does need to learn to do that, but her desire for the 'happily ever after' gets in the way of this and she doesnt know how to do it

fawd1

I'm not sure how I would suggest she goes about it, but actually she really does need to learn to be happy by herself. The fact is, a relationship should be a nice bonus, not a necessity to happiness. Apart from anything else, if you place the enormous burden of your happiness onto someone else, then you set yourself up to be hurt time and time again. In my view, being happy in your own company is not an advantage, it's a necessity. That way, when she meets someone, she will know that she is pursuing a relationship because she enjoys being with THAT person, not because she's desperate to be with anyone.Easier said than done I know, but maybe she could join some groups, or make a book club so she sees people regularly? Then slowly she could see that she can have a rich and important life, without being in a romantic relationship.

cazziebo

Gigglepig is spot on. She has to be happy with herself before she can have a successful relationship. Being single can be fabulous. Being part of a couple can be great too, but you do always have to consider someone else, cope with someone else's foibles and demands, worry about their worries etc.

What about if your friend decided to be single for a whole year? An entire 12 months she can do what she wants, choose her own holidays, spend some time getting to know herself and what really makes her happy.

Happy ever after is within herself - no one else can give it to her.

MeganKate

fawd1 wrote: »

I'm not sure how I would suggest she goes about it, but actually she really does need to learn to be happy by herself. The fact is, a relationship should be a nice bonus, not a necessity to happiness. Apart from anything else, if you place the enormous burden of your happiness onto someone else, then you set yourself up to be hurt time and time again. In my view, being happy in your own company is not an advantage, it's a necessity. That way, when she meets someone, she will know that she is pursuing a relationship because she enjoys being with THAT person, not because she's desperate to be with anyone.Easier said than done I know, but maybe she could join some groups, or make a book club so she sees people regularly? Then slowly she could see that she can have a rich and important life, without being in a romantic relationship.

I totally agree with this. I am quite newly single myself though and I know that she will be really mad at me if I suggest that, she would say that I have no idea as I have not been on my own for as long as her.

She is very very depressed I am a bit worried that she will do something stupid to be honest.

It doesnt help that I am seeing someone, she thinks its unfair that I have someone and she doesnt (my relationship isnt serious, far from it in fact), so I feel like I am patronising hr a bit if I say anything.

Reading the replies here and thinking about it, I think she probably does come across as needy, which is probably scaring men off, but how on earth could I tell her that?

MeganKate

cazziebo wrote: »

Gigglepig is spot on. She has to be happy with herself before she can have a successful relationship. Being single can be fabulous. Being part of a couple can be great too, but you do always have to consider someone else, cope with someone else's foibles and demands, worry about their worries etc.

What about if your friend decided to be single for a whole year? An entire 12 months she can do what she wants, choose her own holidays, spend some time getting to know herself and what really makes her happy.

Happy ever after is within herself - no one else can give it to her.

I think she would say that she has done that already, in 8 years she has probably spent at least 4 of those single

fawd1

maybe she should talk to a doctor then, if she is so unhappy. Apart from anything else, that level of sadness cant be "cured" by someone else. Not even George Clooney (although I'd be willing to let him try!)

MeganKate

fawd1 wrote: »

maybe she should talk to a doctor then, if she is so unhappy. Apart from anything else, that level of sadness cant be "cured" by someone else. Not even George Clooney (although I'd be willing to let him try!)

I wouldnt know how to suggest that either..

I will always be there for her, but she is starting to bring me down to be honest

Thanks for the replies, they are all spot on.