In a Friend Rut

sashadesade

Hi guys, thanks for reading this. I've been thinking about my friend situation recently and realised I'm in a real rut.

I'm nearly thirty and all of my old friends seem to have become little more than acquaintances. Everyone has families, careers etc. and of course their priorities have changed, and suddenly it seems like no one has the time to do more than meet up for dinner once every couple of months. Thinking about it recently, I realised that while there are lots of people I can call to go to dinner with, there's really no one left who I could call in a crisis, which is quite depressing.

So what I want to know is, how do you make new friends at this age? When I try to befriend older people I get the same problems I have with my existing friends: too busy, only meet up for dinner occasionally. When I try to befriend younger people they like to go out every weekend and drink a lot, which I don't, so I can't hang out with them and again we never get past being acquaintances.

Should I just accept that the definition of 'friend' changes as you get older, or is there something I can do?

krlyr

This thread may be worth a read
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3947097

cutestkids

I think what you really need to do is take some time to think about what you enjoy, what are your hobbies and interests, then you need to get out there and join clubs etc where you will meet like minded people.

If most of your friends are in long term relationships and starting families then they will tend to have more in common with people in the same circumstances.

I know that after I had my children my friendships changed and I have more friends with kids now.

The main thing in friendship is to have something in common with the person.

I know that if push came to shove there is really only one person that I could call in in a crisis apart from family, but that I think is a part of growing older and maturing and being happy in myself and knowing that I do not need to have lots of friends to be happy.

One or two good friends are worth more than 100 not so good ones.

sashadesade

krlyr wrote: »

This thread may be worth a read
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3947097

Thanks for pointing this out krlyr, there are some great ideas here!

sashadesade

cutestkids wrote: »

I think what you really need to do is take some time to think about what you enjoy, what are your hobbies and interests, then you need to get out there and join clubs etc where you will meet like minded people.

If most of your friends are in long term relationships and starting families then they will tend to have more in common with people in the same circumstances.

I know that after I had my children my friendships changed and I have more friends with kids now.

The main thing in friendship is to have something in common with the person.

I know that if push came to shove there is really only one person that I could call in in a crisis apart from family, but that I think is a part of growing older and maturing and being happy in myself and knowing that I do not need to have lots of friends to be happy.

One or two good friends are worth more than 100 not so good ones.

Most of my friends with kids talk about little else than their children now. It's completely understandable of course, since their children are the biggest thing in their lives, but while I'm happy for them I do feel like we have nothing in common anymore.

You're right about me needing to look to my interests to find new friends. I think my biggest problem is that I make excuses because I'm scared of going new things alone. I guess I need to get over that!

londonsurrey

It's totally worth going to new things alone. The people you meet get to know you for yourself, not as you in whatever role you're assigned to when you're with your old friends. This way, you widen your type of friends and discover new facets of yourself that you are used to suppressing when with your current acquaintances.

Yorkie1

I've found, like you OP, that others' lives have moved on in ways that are different from mine - and I've had to reflect on how to get myself out of that rut.

My local council does a lot of adult education classes / tai chi / etc.

Also, I have an allotment and it's great the number of people you can chat to there (better that than weeding!!).

As others have said, look to your interests or potential interests, and hopefully that will give you a wider age range of people to look to.

I'm 10 years older than you, and have made a conscious decision as to which particular groups to join, in that I don't want to keep repeating the same 'acquaintances moving on' cycle when friends start families / move with a job promotion etc. I'm ready for a bit more stability - but you may not quite be at that stage yet!!

sashadesade

Thanks everyone, you've all been helpful in giving me things to think about and ideas of what I can try. Now I just need to gather my courage and go for it!

top_drawer_2

I'm in a similar position too; its very depressing and I keep finding that people who I meet at the groups I go along too are a lot older than me and I just dont have anyone to go too/go shopping/chat to/have a informal tea in my cramped tiny flat etc as they have very different ideas of what they want to do - ie more meet for a coffee/posh meal than something more informal like tea at one anothers place and a movie.

I'm in Lancashire if by some amazing coinsidence youare in the area too.

Jenny

sashadesade

top_drawer wrote: »

I'm in a similar position too; its very depressing and I keep finding that people who I meet at the groups I go along too are a lot older than me and I just dont have anyone to go too/go shopping/chat to/have a informal tea in my cramped tiny flat etc as they have very different ideas of what they want to do - ie more meet for a coffee/posh meal than something more informal like tea at one anothers place and a movie.

I'm in Lancashire if by some amazing coinsidence youare in the area too.

Jenny

I'm not expecting to meet lots of potential good friends by joining groups really (chance would be a fine thing!) but I've realised that if I don't put myself out there I'll stand no chance of meeting anyone at all. So while I have reservations, I guess it's the only way.

No, afraid not, I'm in Glasgow - bit too far!

rsdiscos

Why don't you try volunteering? I am a member of Lions Clubs International which is a worldwide service organisation with no links to politics or religion. We have men and women in our club with ages ranging from 24 - 86 and we have great fun raising money for charity and carrying out service activities such as gardening for the old or disabled or befriending someone who needs lifts to hospital. We had a great fun social event recently which was a travelling dinner party where we went to three different houses for starters dinner and dessert. It's great fun and you feel great putting back into the community and making new friends.