VENTING..teen son

BEAR

Son 18, living in a flat on benefits due to his drug taking, violence and generally horrible behaviour ove rhe past 4 years,

Have helped him sort flat but he just llets it get in a state. Think Im getting somewhere when we sit down talk about budgets, jobs decorating etc then he goes and does something else ( shoplifting...180 fine....borrowing money for dope)

yes I know I shoult leave him to it..Ive read all the books been there done that

so the latest..once again he has spent all his benefit within a weekend . I was due to do there today to paint as he had to wait in all day for plumber to take off the leaking radiotor ( leaking for over a year now and evertime I arrange the appointment with him he cant be bothered to be there)
of course he missed the plumber, wont go and ring todat but wants a lif to town to try and geta mobile phone on contract to sell

I'm not a bad person but I cant take watching this..he's going further down..owing more out says hes going for intereviews but i dont believe him

and worst of all...him and hub and I are now at the stage where we can spend some time together...him and hub sometimes go to cinema or for a pint. he doesnt smash things up ( cant steal cos we hide everything before he cmes) and if only he would just try and change we would hav ehim back

We would love to be able to help him sort his life out but he doesnt seem to want to bother. Plays the im depressed card..my head is messed up etc...but never messed up enough not to sort his social life out

he talks about wanting an ex box..bike.etc and just says itls ok I'll get one of th elocal junkies to get me one...no morals at all

He is like a chav..a grasping, lying dosser
I love him but sometimes wish him dead.....at least that way I wont have to watch him in the gutter and will only mourn him once not every time he does someting else

Rant over...yes I knowwhat I have to do thanks

Lotus-eater

BEAR wrote: »

Rant over...yes I know what I have to do thanks

What's that then?

I feel terribly sad for you, my DS is only 2 and of course we always have the best in mind for our children and hope they have a happy life. It seems a bit of a lottery.

Blackpool_Saver

he wont think clearly until he stops smoking that !!!!!, can you get him away from the area, a fresh start. I know what I am talking about.

BEAR

We moved into a village a few miles away as we were thought of as th neighbours from hell in our last place

how far away did you move or was it for your son? was it his decision /had he had enough?

no one knows him here..its still easy to get to the main town for college/work and ok its a bit sleepy but a very healingplace.
We talked to him abou thim moving bck..set down a few groundrules such as him getting up same time as us, cooking a couple times a week and sharing the chores. he also had to pay part of his benefit for his keep and look fr work nothing outrageous and when my daughter comes back from her travels soon the same applies. In fact this is what I would expect from anyone living here. just basic courtesy
He lasted 24 hrs then asked to be taken back

If he's gettign his own way he;s fine and I am my own worst enemy there..always givign in and bailing him out

I cant do this now..if i die hes' stuffed...he has to learn he cant spend all his cash then espect me to bail him out

We will not let him starve but will not be giving him money for gas and elec but will take food down to him...not what he asks for just stuff that he can eat cold and gethim thru till his next payment

I know what I do doesnt help him...all this sorting stuff out and making ssure things are done..at his age I was working 60 hours to live in a grotty flat with an outside loo cos I wanted my independance...hard yes but managable and if thousands of others manage to live on benefits then he has to learn to. anything I give him should be a bonus/treat not a right

duchy

Perhaps you should stop enabling him ?

The line in your post "He lasted twenty four hours and then asked to be taken back"

If he wanted to make something happen then he needs to do it himself (in that case get the bus or walk). I think you'd do him more favours removing his safety net than standing waiting to catch him if he falls too far. Tough love !

Oh and don't give him money -Put a bit on his electric or give him a food parcel NOT cash ! Treats are earned and TBH he knows you are a soft touch Give him a shock !!! You CAN do it ! He wants his independence -fine-but grown ups who live away from home shouldn't be expecting treats from their parents like children do.

Ames

I think that as he's an adult you need to let him hit rock bottom and ask for help when he wants it. There's no point trying to force someone to give up drugs or other maladaptive behaviours before they're ready, it wont work and they'll just end up resenting you.

I have to say though that my dad could have written most of that about me. In his view I'm happy to 'scrounge' benefits and live in a council flat in a dodgy area, which I let get into a state. He thinks that because he just doesn't accept that I have a mental illness (bipolar in my case).

You say he uses depression as an excuse - are you sure about that? I have to admit that the going out and socialising doesn't ring true, but I can understand the feeling of 'once I have x possession it'll make such a difference'. Maybe he thinks a bike will give him some freedom to get away and sort his head out, get him some exercise etc.

As for telling you about interviews, could he just be saying what you want to hear? I do that all the time with dad. 'Yes dad I'm fine', while sitting with scars from self harm. Telling him all about my plans for the future, what job I want to do - just to try and make him proud and stop him having a go at me. Whereas I know that if it happens it's years away.

Your comment about him not having morals - maybe he's so down he just doesn't care. Maybe buying something off the local junkie keeps him safe from being burgled himself.

I'm not saying I'm right, or that you're wrong, just trying to give another viewpoint.

bestpud

I feel for you but not too much as you are enabling him.

It's not your fault he acts as he does but you sure as hell aren't helping him!

You know that though.

I guess you expect him to find the strength to quit and yet you can't quit your enabling behaviour - you are all addicted to this situation.

System

You need to put as much distance between yourself and your son as possible without actually falling out.

You wont change him, he will only change if he wants to. You can lecture/plead with him as much as you want... he wont change unless he wants to.

The best thing for you to do is to keep him at a distance. If you do too much you will end up help him to carry on and you will despair at what you see.

Granted its hard to do though but its not impossible if you want to do the best for your son.

BEAR

thank you so much for all your replies....the poster was right we are all addicted and nothing changesi if nothingchanges

in for a very rough ride now I know but rather now than in 10 years

also thanks for the poster from a different view point. that really helped

sulkisu

I may be a lone voice here. I do have sympathy for you, but I can't help feeling sorry for your son, because if I have read your post correctly, his drug taking, violence and general downward descent began when he was just 14. He must have been a very troubled teenager, no wonder aged 18 his life is a mess.

Savvy_Sue

Bear, you know you can ask for support for you and your husband from the local drugs project? To help you stop enabling him, which does indeed have to happen ...