VENTING..teen son

balletshoes

BEAR wrote: »

I know what I do doesnt help him...all this sorting stuff out and making ssure things are done..at his age I was working 60 hours to live in a grotty flat with an outside loo cos I wanted my independance...hard yes but managable and if thousands of others manage to live on benefits then he has to learn to. anything I give him should be a bonus/treat not a right

you're right, you know you're not helping him, you're hindering him.

I have a work colleague with a 22-year old son, and I swear if she could she would actually wipe his bum for him, he's that useless because his mum does everything for him (ie still buys his bus tickets for him, still puts pockets money daily into his account, goes up to his uni digs at the start of each term to hang his clothes up for him, phones him constantly to check he's up/on his way to the bus station/had his lunch - !!!!!!! I strongly suspect the only reason he puts up with this is because he has no income of his own, he relies on her for his spends. As soon as he has some money of his own I wouldn't be surprised if he never darkens her door again - and who could blame him? He's going to be a bloody big shock to any partner who starts living with him too!

Stop bailing him out, just stop. He knows where you are, and he knows fine what he needs to do to function in the life he's chosen for himself. You're only making it easier for him to do that, instead of fending for himself and clawing his way up out of the hole he's in by his own gumption.

jellyhead

If you're only a few miles away can't he walk? Tell him he can always come to your house for food if he's run out of money (no need for you to drive over there with food, imho). A bike might help actually, is his birthday coming up? Maybe you could get him a second-hand one, or look on freecycle for one for him.

Can he pay the fine slowly out of his benefits? They might accept a fiver a week from him instead of a lump sum.

conradmum

You really, really need to let your little boy grow up.

Maybe rather than thinking about him and what he's doing, you should look inside yourself and ask yourself why you need to play such a large role in his life.

Your son is an adult now, you need to let him be one and suffer the consequences of his actions or he'll never mature.

Stop doing things for him and involving yourself in everything he does. By all means be there for him if he needs you but only do what you would reasonably do for another adult. E.g. don't keep giving money that you know won't be repaid, don't arrange appointments for him, don't decorate his flat for him, don't allow him to steal from you without calling the police.

I think you should consider getting counselling to help you to cope and find out why you're unable to step back.

Corelli

Hi Bear,

I really feel for you. I've seen this happen in my own family. Oh thank goodness for internet pseudonyms. My SIL used all sorts of drugs and was an alchoholic and treated her own mother just as you describe your son treating you, and my MIL wanted to support her daughter and kept on looking after her, giving her money and support despite being burgled by her own daughter and bf ... more, I don't know all the details. MIL even took SIL away to the other side of the world to get her away from her contacts here but the good effect were only temporary until they got back again, IIRC.

I wanted to tell you there can be light at the end of the tunnel, My SIL is in a much bettter state now. I don't know exactly how they got to that point, I know my MIL had some extensive counselling and after the first attempt failed SIL went away for rehab (MIL looking after her flat while she was away, redecorating etc for her) and joined AA and Narcotics Annonymous.

Now they have a good relationship. SIL has mental health problems and some developmental disabilities that have now been properly diagnosed - I doubt she will ever hold down a proper job but she does voluntary work with addicts and alchoholics and, I don't know how to say this without being trite, is a valuable and contributing member of society. Yup, she's on benefits but she contributes in an unpaid way.

Bear, how about looking for support for you and your husband? It must be hell to worry so about a non-functioning son. I identify with that too, I wonder if my own son with an autistic spectrum disororder and more will ever make his own way in the world.

If you can get counselling or find any other way to find your own strength you can in fact support him better. As you already realise, doing so much for him takes away his incentive to find ways of coping himself.

Your son needs a lot of help too, when he is ready to accept it. I know the AA and NA approaches don't suit everyone but they might be woth contacting for ideas. Also your GP should be able to provide information and counselling.

Wishing your family all the best.