Feel like I've ruined my own life

londonsurrey

All kinds of things can happen. Mass redundancies might happen.

If money is an issue, start looking at major belt tightening exercises, and maybe growing some food in the garden. If you are looking at having a child, this is an issue that needs to be addressed anyhow, given the the impact a child has on expenditure and earning potential, so do this as a positive exercise, getting ready for your planned life.

One other thing to consider is if you are in need of a major verbal untangling, the Samaritans are available. Nowadays, they also help people undergoing stress. Look on their website, and you will see what I mean.

Good luck.

lowlitmemory

OP, it sounds to me like your particular working environment is not very nice. If you decide you don't want or aren't able to retrain, would you consider finding another job in the same sector? I know it's a 'silly' thing but I do genuinely find that colleagues make a HUGE amount of difference to enjoying a job.

HeatherintheHills

(((Hugs))) OP, you are not in a nice place today but the advice you have been given so far is excellent

Is it possible for you to reduce your hours at your current job now? I was in a similar situation, the job I trained hard for soon changed so much it became unrecognisable and I began to hate it, and the company I worked for were really awful for many of the reasons you have described. I reduced the number of days I worked a week and that made it more bearable. It reduces the horrible politics a lot as part timers are not viewed as so much of a threat as full timers. I tended to spend more time with my head down and people didn't try so much to drag me into whatever the latest drama was.

It is also great to have a weekday or 2 to hunt for other jobs, study for a new career, take up a hobby, or simply do things that make you feel good about yourself. It will also help reduce your stress levels and stress is just so bad when TTC.

For today, just a simple suggestion, head out to the shops and buy yourself a bar of chocolate and a book/cd/dvd or whatever rocks your boat and indulge yourself for the rest of the day.

belfastgirl23

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmingly negative at the minute. Just accept that for now, everyone has days where the world seems to be getting on top of them and this is one of yours. It will pass (to some degree).

I think though that activity normally helps. I know the thought of going to see the doctor is scaring you but can you try to reframe it in your mind. This is a first step on the road to having a baby. There's every chance that nothing is wrong with either of you and that it will be a weight off your mind. If something is wrong, it may be something you can do something about. In your mind you've gone straight to the worst outcome possible. This is not likely.

Secondly you really need to build some time into your life to destress and relax. I've been finding some things tough lately and have found a once a week yoga class has made a HUGE difference to my ability to manage this stress.

Finally, your job. The suggestion of dropping a day a week is a good one - often by the time you look at the tax implications you don't lose nearly as much in terms of hard cash as you'd expect. You also need to invest some time in thinking about what you might want to do. And I'd say you need to think long and hard about how much the baby thing is contributing to your very negative perceptions of your work. It's a hard thing to be objective about your own life but how much is about what your manager is saying and how much is about how you're hearing it? You do say that you have managed to shrug it off in the past. Would it make a difference if you were doing the same job in a different firm? That said, if it's a job you have always hated (but sometimes manage to get through better than others) you have another 30 years of a working life ahead of you - too long to continue doing something you hate.

As I say though, I think actually forcing yourself to take action can have a hugely positive effect on your frame of mind, however terrifying it is. Just do one thing today. Make an appointment to see your local doctor. Do it now without thinking about it any more. You know it's the right thing and you owe it to yourself to make a move.

amyloofoo

losing_hope wrote: »

Thank you both very much.

The list thing is a good idea, I'll do that. Hopefully it will make things feel less overwhelming seeing it written down.

I would definitely consider adoption (as would OH) but I worry about that too. Neither of us having any criminal records or anything like that, but I had a very abusive childhood and I'm concerned that would count against me, particularly as in my teenage years I did some very stupid things like attempted overdoses, was on anti-depressants, and also drank too much at the time. I know it was a long time ago now (and is not the case now, had counselling etc), but would still be on my GP records.

You've got me thinking about studying for something else. I guess I could possibly do that whilst working part-time in a job that doesn't stress me out so much. Although I guess I'd lose any maternity pay if I DID fall pg soon (the main reason I've held on so long with current job). My OH earns well, but we still need my income.

Losing_Hope,

I really feel for you being in the position you're in. I'm pretty young atm, but fear I will end up in the same position as due to mental illness and a troubled childhood I've been reckless with money, suicide attempts, etc. I think the most important thing to say at first is, don't panic - nothing will be gained through getting stressed at the situation, and it can only harm your attempts to TTC (easier said than done, I know). The suggestion of the poster who said to make a list of positives and negatives, then only focus on the negatives you can do something about had a really good idea; we all spend so much time worrying about things beyond our control and ignoring the little changes we could make that would make a big difference to our lives.

In terms of TTC - you're 34 and have been trying for over a year, so I can understand your concerns; however you're in a position that many of the women on the TTC threads would envy, you're still relatively young, have a loving and supportive partner, have taken control of your finances and do not have any diagnosed condition that would make it difficult for you to conceive. There are lots of wonderful people on the various TTC threads who have lots of knowledge and advice, so if you're not already posting there, maybe you could have a look? It's important you do go to see your GP as there are many conditions (lots of which are easily remedied) which could affect your chances of conceiving, and the sooner these are spotted the more chance you have of resolving / treating them successfully. I'm sure you already have something similar, but I've found http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ to be a really useful resource, and they offer a free online course in monitoring and maximising fertility.

You've mentioned you'd be interested in adoption but would be concerned that your past may affect your chances. This isn't something to worry about at this stage, have you considered fostering or offering respite care in the short term in order to show your reliability with children and give social services a positive impression should you later want to adopt? I also have a past with many of the same issues, but was approved to be a foster carer as these issues have been successfully treated, I regularly see specialists who would be able to identify any issues, and my OH has a more stable background and would also be responsible for the children's care. Social Services don't want to put people off adopting just because they've had issues in the past, this applies to so many of us and there's such a shortage of people who want to adopt that this just isn't a viable approach - what they're interested in is how you would treat the placed children and how stable and loving you're going to be in the future.

I agree with the other posters who've mentioned the OU - retraining is a great idea if you're unhappy with your job and I've found the Open University to be nothing but helpful in tailoring the course to fit around other commitments. If you can afford to drop a day a week from work then this may also be very helpful, giving you time to either study, retrain or just spend some quality time on destressing. I know you're feeling low at the moment, but there are many things to be positive about and there are changes which can be made to improve how you're feeling about life.

claire16c

TTC - my friend tried for 14 months and the doctor apparently told her up to 2 years is totally normal. She said if youre over 35 then go to the docs after 1 year, but if youre not, of course you can still go because they will check you out then, but she said its really nothing to get panicked about until you are told anything else and just keep trying in that time whilst waiting for the appts and such.

She said you should try for 24 cycles before really worrying.

weepingtree

Just wanted to pop on and give you a massive (( hug ))

No advice except to say hope u are feeling a bit more positive now