Feel like I've ruined my own life

losing_hope

Hello, a newbie here, so please be gentle!

I don't really know where to start, but I just feel like I'm falling apart today.

My OH and I have been TTC for over a year now, with no success. It's getting me down immensely. I'm not all that young anymore and I feel like time is running out very quickly, and that it's my own fault for making bad choices in the past (awful ex's, previous money problems) which meant I was not in a position to try for a baby until now. All I've ever wanted is to be a Mum, and I honestly don't know how I'll cope if it doesn't end up happening for us.

My OH is wonderful and supportive, but we had a stupid row at the weekend. All sorted now, but I feel horrible about it all.

I have a "respectable" job, which I worked very hard for a number of years to get the qualification for. However I absolutely hate it, to the point I dread going in. The job itself ended up being something I really don't enjoy in any way, and something I never envisaged I'd end up doing. I really feel I've made bad decisions with this too. Also I can't bear the officie politics side of things - there's a real culture of horrible gossip, etc, with one person in particular who makes me feel very uncomfortable in this way.

Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm off work sick today (which they made me feel absolutely awful about). I've been sat all morning looking for jobs online, but I've ended up feeling like there is absolutely nothing I'd be considered for realistically (my qualification is pretty specialised), but I'm just desperate to do something I'd actually enjoy a little bit.

I don't have masses of close friends I can turn to. I've moved about a bit, which has made things difficult. I do have a some friends, but none of them live close-by, and I couldnt really run to them in a crisis iykwim. And I'd be too embarrassed tbh anyway.

I've just been sat here on my own in tears, and I just don't know which way to turn anymore. I know my problems aren't the end of the world and I'm sorry if I sound self-pitying, but I just hate so much about my life right now. I feel like I've messed everything up.
I'm sorry for the essay

Tropez

On the job front, perhaps you could consider studying with the Open University for another qualification in something that you may enjoy more? It might not seem like it but you can change career paths, no matter how young or old you may be. I know of someone who at 45 began studying with the OU and by 50 was employed in an entirely new profession. He had bobbed around various jobs all his life and now is as happy as he can be with where he is in life.

It may take some time but you can get there and the motivation to succeed might help to improve your mood.

As for being a mum, this probably won't be viewed as helpful as I can wholly appreciate that you may wish to conceive naturally but if it does not happen, for whatever reason, you can still be a mother through adoption. If you have the love to give a child then there are many who will appreciate it.

Caroline_a

If I were you I would make 2 lists. One is the things you like about life (OH, house,?) and the other is the things tou don't like. Then circle the things that you don't like about your like that you can change. These are the things in you control, other things you unfortunately have to accept.

The look to changing things one by one... But some things will have a knock-on effect. So if you give up your job (hate list) then you may have no money (like list) and a lot will affect you OH, so do it together.

You may find that some things, although hated are necessary. One step at a time!!

sassyblue

Hi OP, how old are you? Firstly, don't beat yourself up about choosing badly in the past, the past is gone it's the here and now that matters. You don't appear to have messed much up, you still have a hubby and a house and a job!

The TTC part, DON'T EVER think you won't achieve your dreams..... yes it gets you down horribly but you haven't made the decision to stop trying so until then, believe. I was 38 when l finally achieved my dream and some are older...

As for the job.... can't you get yourself signed off for a week or two and get yourself in a better frame of mind? Maybe look at retraining for something else? I see you've already had lots of good advice about that.

There will be lots of new courses starting in Sept, so is there something you'd enjoy doing there to try and make new friends?

browneyedbazzi

You sound like you need a hug!

Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you...I'm in a similar position to you with regard to the history (moved around a bit including relocating to the UK from abroad, bad first marriage, then became quite career driven and now in a job surrounded by people I dislike with a micro manager with an inferiority complex who picks fault with everything because it makes him feel important). I suppose the big difference for me is that we're not TTC yet, but I am quite scared that when we do things won't happen easily and I'll then be in your position.

The only real advice I can give is to try to find some positives in life every day (even small things)...negative thoughts can become a real downward spiral so sometimes we have to force ourselves to think about positives or they'll just end up berried away under all the things that are getting us down.

*hugs*

losing_hope

Thank you both very much.

The list thing is a good idea, I'll do that. Hopefully it will make things feel less overwhelming seeing it written down.

I would definitely consider adoption (as would OH) but I worry about that too. Neither of us having any criminal records or anything like that, but I had a very abusive childhood and I'm concerned that would count against me, particularly as in my teenage years I did some very stupid things like attempted overdoses, was on anti-depressants, and also drank too much at the time. I know it was a long time ago now (and is not the case now, had counselling etc), but would still be on my GP records.

You've got me thinking about studying for something else. I guess I could possibly do that whilst working part-time in a job that doesn't stress me out so much. Although I guess I'd lose any maternity pay if I DID fall pg soon (the main reason I've held on so long with current job). My OH earns well, but we still need my income.

mum2one

I would say as youve been trying for over 12 mths to go to the GP, as they can decide what the best route is, one of my friends is in same boat re ttc, she had egg count checked etc.

Work, def agree re the Open uni as you can work and study, have you got a holiday coming up that you can get a break from work? maybe a rest may help matters xxx

losing_hope

sassyblue wrote: »

Hi OP, how old are you? Firstly, don't beat yourself up about choosing badly in the past, the past is gone it's the here and now that matters. You don't appear to have messed much up, you still have a hubby and a house and a job!

The TTC part, DON'T EVER think you won't achieve your dreams..... yes it gets you down horribly but you haven't made the decision to stop trying so until then, believe. I was 38 when l finally achieved my dream and some are older...

As for the job.... can't you get yourself signed off for a week or two and get yourself in a better frame of mind? Maybe look at retraining for something else? I see you've already had lots of good advice about that.

There will be lots of new courses starting in Sept, so is there something you'd enjoy doing there to try and make new friends?

Thank you x
I'm 34. I know that's not ancient, but it's not great, plus it's the nothing happening for over a year that's worrying me so much. I know we should both probably get checked out/tested, but the thought of that is scaring me witless..

losing_hope

browneyedbazzi wrote: »

You sound like you need a hug!

Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you...I'm in a similar position to you with regard to the history (moved around a bit including relocating to the UK from abroad, bad first marriage, then became quite career driven and now in a job surrounded by people I dislike with a micro manager with an inferiority complex who picks fault with everything because it makes him feel important). I suppose the big difference for me is that we're not TTC yet, but I am quite scared that when we do things won't happen easily and I'll then be in your position.

The only real advice I can give is to try to find some positives in life every day (even small things)...negative thoughts can become a real downward spiral so sometimes we have to force ourselves to think about positives or they'll just end up berried away under all the things that are getting us down.

*hugs*

Thank you x
God your job sounds just like mine! I do try my best to just get on with it and treat it as a means to an end, but it just gets me down SO much.

You're right about trying to stay positive. I've got to keep trying to do that. Today just feels like one of those days when it's all too much.

losing_hope

mum2one wrote: »

I would say as youve been trying for over 12 mths to go to the GP, as they can decide what the best route is, one of my friends is in same boat re ttc, she had egg count checked etc.

Work, def agree re the Open uni as you can work and study, have you got a holiday coming up that you can get a break from work? maybe a rest may help matters xxx

Thank you x
I'm going to have to bite the bullett and do that aren't I. the unknown is just so scary. I dont know what I'll do if they just say that one of us infertile and that's that - that's what I dread.

I'm hoping to have a week's holiday in September. I wish I could jump on a plane somewhere right this minute tho!

quintwins

I can't really add much but just wanted to say when we started trying for our third (first preg was twins) I was only 21 but it still took us nearly a year, sadly these things take time and your still young enough and it's still early enough that it's just taking time, I know how it feels to want a baby so much is consumes you, and how disappointing each month is but I would say don't give up but don't stress either once we decided to do away with ll the ov tests and planning and just see how it went I was preg within the month. Stress does have a knock on effect.