Couldn't see old friend due to lack of funds.... what to do?

19lottie82

After a bit of advice here, sorry that this is a bit long winded……

A couple of years ago one of my best friends moved to Australia, we still keep in touch via email and she came to visit last year and then again last month.
She has got a really good job over there and a brilliant house with her OH. I’m really happy for her but I feel that our emails always involve her telling me how she has got another bonus / wage rise / promotion at work, or her new car, or the fancy holidays that she’s always going on. I’m not jealous, and she works hard so deserves it, but I have to admit that it does get me down a bit when she asks me what I’ve been up to and I can kind of sum it up by saying “not a lot as I’ve been pretty skint”!

The week before she arrived last month she messaged me telling me that she was having a night out with mutual friends and the plans were to go for dinner then drinks followed by a nightclub.
I had to reply and say that I was really sorry but I didn’t have any £££ to go out, but I had a few days leave from work that I could take, so if she wanted to meet up some other time when she was over to let me know what day suited.

She replied saying she would get back to me as she was pretty jam packed during her trip home but to leave it with her and she would let me know. Fair enough, but after a wee while I thought that maybe she might have offered to buy me a couple of cokes so I could have at least come along for a little bit? I wasn’t angling for this or expecting it in any way at all BUT I hadn’t seen her in a year and if the tables were turned then I definitely would have offered. Plus I have done a lot helping her out with little bits and bobs to do with her flat she still owns in the UK, which she now rents out, as I only live half a mile away.
I don’t know if I was being a bit selfish thinking this way?

Anyway, roll on half way through her trip and I still haven’t heard from her, then I get a text from her telling me that she’s going for drinks again in 2 nights time and she hopes I can make it. Now obviously by this point I still don’t have any money and the drinks invite is for a Tuesday night and I have to get up really early for work during the week. I reply and say I still don’t really have any cash but I will try and pop in for a coke.

So Tuesday lunchtime I go to the hole in the wall thinking I have a little bit of £££ left to do me until I get paid the following week but it turns out I was wrong and a DD I had forgotten about has come out, so I have zilch.
Anyway, I have a carp day at work and get home without even enough for my bus fare in to town and back and a soft drink and generally feeling pretty rubbish.
I get a text telling me that they are in a fancy bar in town and am I coming in? Obviously I couldn’t make it but really didn’t know what to say so I just didn’t reply.

So she has now gone back to Australia and I still haven’t been in contact. I feel really rotten and maybe could have made more of an effort but I think she could have as well. She knows I am always skint as I live by myself and have bills coming out of my ears. I offered to take any morning / afternoon off work while she was here to do something that was cost free, but that request was ignored. I know how busy she must have been when she was back, but I also thought she could have maybe managed to find me an hour or too. But then again, likewise I know I shouldn’t have just ignored her text re drinks.

So my question is this… I feel really bad and want to email her to explain, but how should I word it? Any other advice? Thanks!

embob74

I recognise that feeling! I have spent a huge part of my life feeling embarrassed that I seem to be permanently broke when friends are doing so well. And it gets so depressing sometimes.

I think you did all you could tbh. Perhaps e-mail and say you were embarrassed you were so broke but you did really want to see her and you are quite upset it was not possible.
I would put in that you had hoped you could meet up without it costing any money and you didn't know how to reply to her text without sounding like a stuck record.

I do agree with you that if a friend had no money and I was flush enough to party at fancy wine bars then I would offer to buy them a few drinks in order to see them.

Nicki

How about something along the lines of: I was really sad and disappointed that we didn't get a chance to see each other when you were over. I'm just so fed up of being permanently skint. I would have loved to come and see you on either of the two nights you suggested but I just didn't have the money for the bus fare, never mind any drinks when I got there. I miss you lots, and next time you are over I'd really love to see you, so save some time in your diary for me, but unless I win the lottery, we might need to have a cheap night in and a catch up.

So, you aren't blaming her for the fact you couldn't meet up, but are letting her know how important she is to you, and what she needs to do to enable you to meet up next time.

19lottie82

Thanks Embob. You're right I should just tell the truth.

I think one of the things is before she moved away we all used to go out partying all the time. I could afford it back then as I didn't have a car and lived in a flat share, where as now I have a mortgage and live by myself.

I've kind of calmed down a bit now, partially due to not having the funds, although I think that if moved abroad then came home for a week, I would want loads of nights out with my friends. She knows how skint I am, but maybe she just didn't think, or realise just HOW skint.

I earn a reasonable amount on paper, about 15% of what is supposed to be the national average BUT as I said I live by myself and have to pay a mortgage, car loan and so many other bills that I lose track sometimes. Most of the other girls in our circle of friends earn about 2 times what I do and live with their partners, so always have cash for ngiths out, clothes and holidays.

I keep telling myself that I am in a better position than a lot of people (ie having a car, owning my own place, no "bad" debt, and having a perm job), but it still gets me down sometimes.

pinkclouds

19lottie82 wrote: »

So my question is this… I feel really bad and want to email her to explain, but how should I word it? Any other advice? Thanks!

Bit of a comms mix-up there.

Just say you're sorry you missed her text message and missed meeting up with her and that you're completely broke just now and it's making life a bit hard. If she's a friend, then she'll understand. Also, if she's a friend, then there's no need to conceal the truth. If you're broke, you're broke. Did you say you literally didn't have 2 quid for the bus fare or just a vague "don't think I can afford a night out", which might sound like a polite excuse?

In future, I'd have gone along anyway and had a free glass of tap water. If you could spare the time, the objective was to actually see her - the venue wasn't important.

19lottie82

pinkclouds wrote: »

Did you say you literally didn't have 2 quid for the bus fare or just a vague "don't think I can afford a night out", which might sound like a polite excuse?

In future, I'd have gone along anyway and had a free glass of tap water. If you could spare the time, the objective was to actually see her - the venue wasn't important.

First night out she suggested I just said I was skint and couldn't afford to come out.

Second night, I said at the original invite that I would try and come along for a coke, thinking I could scrape together £5 or £6 for a retun bus fare and a couple of soft drinks but at the time I had nothing.

You're right I prob could have made more of an effort but I was feeling really down due to a rotten day at work and not having any cash so couldn't really face getting done up and walking the 3 miles to meet them (and back at night) with not a bean to my name.

lazer

TBH - I would be upset if I had a friend at home and came home form Australia for a week and they didn't make an effort to come and see me.

I notice from you post you say
"without even enough for my bus fare in to town and back and a soft drink"

The soft drink isnt necessary - water is free, or just drink nothing and still have called into see your friend for half an hour.

I'm sorry - but i tend to not accept the no money excuse from people either (And yes i have been skint, but would actually have priortised seeing a long distance friend over anything else, and would have lived on pot noodles to facilitate this). Generally there is something can be cut out for a week to spend £5 to see someone or do something.

However, its now done and dusted - so i would send a quick e-mail suggested by Nicki - its very well worded!

krlyr

Have to say, I think it was your friend who could have made a little more effort in this situation. You were honest about not having the money and if she wanted to see you that much, like you say, it would only have been an hour out of her plans to see you. It's not like you made up an excuse or promised to definately be there and I assume from your regular contact, she was aware of your financial situation anyway. Perhaps she really couldn't take an hour out to see you but she could have at least let you know for sure instead of ignoring your suggestion.
If you still want to extend an olive branch, I think Nicki's post was a good one, no blame on either party really, just an honest explanation and hopefully a hint for her to come to a compromise and make the effort to see you next time.

londonsurrey

All you can do is to spell it out, and be proactive in describing alternatives that won't cost, e.g. spending the night on your sofa with a nice casserole, meeting at a museum, etc.

It's easier for her then, and you're not relying on her to come up with an acceptable venue.

RAS

Invite her round for a meal with a few friends. Save up in advance?

browneyedbazzi

I wonder if your friend really understands how little money you have spare? I expect if she realised how difficult things are for you that she would have offered to buy you a drink or two or even help you out with a lift into town.

People have very different perceptions of what 'skint' means. To some it means you don't have any money but others will use it when they can get by but can't afford luxuries. I like Nicki's suggestion of an email above because it makes the situation really clear.