Help - debt/relationship

sistafromanothermista

That's true. Whatever happened to good old fashioned sit down and talking it through. Have you tried this OP? Interested to know what will happen when she puts the council on loudspeaker. Surely she wouldn't do this if there was nothing to hide?
Good luck whatever happens and hope you get it all sorted..

seriousDFW

I think perhaps things are being read into the post that are hard to ascertain from just the words being written. The OP does seem to care about this person and their family, and wants to find solutions to do so. He is concerned about himself and his son, but I think that he's only separated them from the others because in his mind he feels the future may bring a situation where they are separated and he wants to be in the best possible situation.

Firstly OP, you need a plan of action. Great advice so far has been given. This is what I would do:

Ring the council on Monday yourself to discuss the council tax; only then will you know the absolute truth. If you have the money, pay off any arrears on council tax. If you don't, make this the priority for all spare money.

You MUST have a sit down with partner to discuss money. It is clear that your current situation is not working, and you need to find a way to deal with finances that works for everyone. I would recommend saying that you want total honesty and you will give total honesty, but you will also wipe the slate clean and be completely non-judgemental; you just need to know where you stand now, so you can move forward. This may encourage her to be honest and open. Take anything she says without reacting badly, just get it all written down or on a spreadsheet.

I would list all debts, all income, all outgoings, all savings. The Statement of Affairs link on the main page might be useful.

You need to then come up with a plan for tackling the situation if there isn't enough money to cover the arrears, or the monthly bills.

You need to decide on a way to manage the money, because at the moment bills aren't being paid, there isn't trust and you're getting into trouble. I personally would get all the household bills coming out of one account, either yours or a joint account. Your OH may find this a relief, as she is unburdened from dealing with it. Using the Statement of Affairs, you may find you have some money left over that you can spend freely - either transfer this to accounts in your own names, or withdraw in cash at the start of the month.

Without the Statement of Affairs it's hard to advise further so it may be worth posting that so people can help.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

bargainbetty

I would agree with much of the information on here, with one exception.

Sit her down, and talk to her about the finances. Not her finances, but the household's. Explain that you are not happy about the current arrangement because if everything was sorted, then she wouldn't be hiding things in the car.

Calmly tell her that you aren't happy about leaving all the household bills up to her anymore. Explain that you are setting up and account that will be used to settle everything like council tax, electric, water, rent etc by direct debit. Have the account set up - in your name only. Do not get a joint account with her at this point, because the financial link could be a problem if she doesn't get things sorted.

Make a budget of what needs to be paid jointly, and ask her to sort out a standing order each month to settle the money into the household account. Be polite, but make sure she understands that neither of you will have access to withdraw funds from this account.

Those people who are accusing the OP of being selfish - he has repeatedly tried to help her. She has refused. She may be lying to him, hiding more debts, but he cannot force her to share this with him. How many times have we posted that your cannot force someone to have their LBM? He has tried.

It is his responsibility to make sure his child/children are cared for, and the roof over their head is secure. If she isn't doing it, then he has to take that over. Sorry, I'd do it in a heartbeat to look after the kids and my own well-being. If she won't face her own debts, that is up to her. She doesn't have the right to risk his records by not paying joint bills, particularly when she has been given the money.

OP, do what you have to do to protect your home for your kids. Don't leave her to prove a point, but stay on better financial terms. It might show her that you can be trusted to share her problems with, or at least take pressure off her.

Good luck

Tigsmom

sistafromanothermista wrote: »

That's true. Whatever happened to good old fashioned sit down and talking it through. Have you tried this OP? Interested to know what will happen when she puts the council on loudspeaker. Surely she wouldn't do this if there was nothing to hide?
Good luck whatever happens and hope you get it all sorted..

You need to make sure it is the council she's ringing and not some friend pretending to be the council saying everything is ok

You also need a joint account with direct debits set up to pay the bills. It's the only way.

Tommymax81

Hi

I don't think that you are being selfish at all and I am surprised by some of the comments you have received - incredibly harsh.

Based on your OP you have clearly given her the chance to tell you what is going on and you have agreed to make the payments from your bank account. You can't force the information from her and ultimately it is up to her to want to take responsibility for her debts or to at least allow you help.

In terms of self preservation I think that you should call the council and if possible, pay any arrears on the Council tax. I think that the court letters are sent out quite frequently and normally you can avoid this action if you pay up. Providing that you pay the arrears you should have no backlash.