Help - debt/relationship

grylls12

I have been with my current partner for 3 half years and I love her a lot. I could easily see myself marrying her and living the rest of our lives together. We have a 20 month old son who we both love so much, and she also has a child from a previous relationship who is amazing.

The problem is my partner has racked up a lot of debt over the years and everytime I question her on the subject she denies it. I have even presented her with statements that say she owes money and she always says she has paid it or worked out a payment plan etc etc and I accepted that to start with but its now to frequent. I have even offered to help her pay some of it so she can move on and she still denies it. I said to her that as long as it doesn't affect me or my son then I won't bother her about it anymore.

I found another letter (that she hid) that was from the council saying that she hasn't been paying the council tax on our house. This made me angry as it directly affected me so I confronted her about it and she said it had been sorted etc etc and was saying that this is my excuse to leave her. My aim is not to leave her I just don't want my name and reputation to be tarnished as I need a clean crime record for my job.

So today (Saturday) I was cleaning out the car and I found 2 letters that she hid that was a for me and her to appear in counrt due to unpaid council tax bills. I was fuming and showed her the letters and she said the usual its sorted etc etc. I said I will ring themm Monday and ask them myslef. She said she will ring them MInday, put phone on loud speaker so I could hear, and get them to explain the situation.

It is getting to the point where I am thinking of leaving her so she can maybe understand that she can't do this. I don't want to as we all live together and I love seeing my son everyday and her other child. I was also given her money towards my council tax but we thought it would be easier to make it come out of one account so we choose hers. I have discussed about letting it come out of mine but she then tries to turn the tables and says that it's my fault etc etc.

Any help would be fantastic as I am struggling. I love her and my family and don't want it to end. But, she is dragging me down and I don't want to be tarnished with unpaid bills etc etc when its not my fault.

Thanks

[Deleted User]

sadly you know what they are going to say on monday,the decision you have to make is can you trust her?so far its not looking good,and if your job depends on you not being prosecuted for failing to pay council tax then its urgent you at least sort that one out,find out what is owed and pay it.
only you can then decide how far all this can go before you have to walk away

NeverAgain_2

If nothing else, you need to sort the Council Tax.

In recent years, councils have become very aggressive in recovering arrears.

Unlike other creditors, they will bankrupt the pair of you over a relatively small sum.

tallyhoh

wish I could help, I have a partner the same (been in debt since 1974ish).

Very difficult to just walk away when you have a child. How much control does she have over the finances? my solution was to put everything in my name & pay bills out of my account. I regret that doesnt stop people applying for credit cards, loans etc.

You could insist (perhaps) that you see her credit reports which will show most debts, it might also give her a jolt if she sees all her debts in front of her.

I wish you luck.

DVardysShadow

grylls12 wrote: »

I just don't want my name and reputation to be tarnished as I need a clean crime record for my job.

Even council tax debt is not a crime, although you can go to prison for not paying.

grylls12 wrote: »

It is getting to the point where I am thinking of leaving her so she can maybe understand that she can't do this. I don't want to as we all live together and I love seeing my son everyday and her other child.

If the behaviour is too much for you, then leave. Permanently.

But do not under any circumstances leave to make a point. The relationship is already stressed ad leaving to make a point will only make her much more defensive if she has you back.

I do think you need to take charge of current finances and shut down all joint financial products which you can - a joint mortgage is the big one you can't do much about.

I am also wondering whether she has some expensive habit which is causing the problem. And it may be worth thinking about how her previous relationship ended - this may well have made her over-defensive.

[Deleted User]

If she will not let you be involved in her finances, there is little that you can do. But you most definitely can and should take control of your own.

Sort the council tax out, and any will solely and jointly in your name - call them yourself.

Also, check all of your credit reports (three separate agencies) to make sure nothing is lurking there.

As for whether you leave or not - only you can decide what to do there.

Barbeduk

Agree with all above advice. You need to have a totally separate account for all the bills that she cannot access. If she is earning she needs to contribute her share, by direct debit, from her own account. The direct debit to come out on her payday when hopefully she's got the funds available.

Do not have any joint finances. If you can, get her to give you all her cards. There's something going on to cause this, what is it? Depression, some sort of addiction?

She needs to understand that she has lost your trust. She needs to listen. Her behaviour is immature, selfish and cowardly. She could lose you and the kids everything and she needs to wake up to that.

Tabatha_Kitten

Quote from post #1
"SHE hasn't paid the council tax on OUR house"

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
You live together.
You have a child together.
You need to work this out TOGETHER.

I will never understand all this "his money", "her money", "his Debt", "her debt".
You're a team for goodness sake. Work together.

BluePumpkin

I think I'd second everyone who suggests you talk to her. But go a stage further- make sure the kids are out of the house and that you are both free from distractions and sit down and go through all of it. Explain that you want to do this because you love her and you want to stay with her, and that you are happy to do the same with your finances. It might not work, but at least she has a chance that way! See how the council tax stuff goes on Monday, maybe suggest the chat after that (with back up from credit agencies?).

Good luck regardless

dithedancer

she sounds very insecure. maybe she shouldn't have the full responsibility for all the finances, you do need to be able to work together, so insist that you both work through each debt at a time with the council tax a priority. i don't know if its possible but couldn't you go to the council without her knowledge, if she is been difficult, and settle the debt for her. then give her the reasurance that she needs that you are both in this together and will solve it together. then obviously deal with the court case. knowing that it's settled.

dithedancer

i've reread your post and can't help feeling that you seem a bit selfish saying that it will affect you and your son and not both of you and the family. you have read the debt letters so you also know the account numbers, so why not pay them off and if there is nothing owing then you will be re-embursed. set up a joint account for all your domestic bills to be paid by direct debit with both of you putting in a set amount each month.