Help - Depressed 11 year old boy

Maureen43

Hello All,

I would really appreciate your input on my situation.

My 11 year old son is above average academically and has no problems at school. He has plenty of friends. His problem is that he is easily bored, has no idea how to amuse himself and verges, I think, on depression.

When doing an activity or with friends he is happy as anything. Likewise when using xbox or computer or tv - a happy boy. However when the screen time is over and he has nothing to do it is a different story. He mooches about the house aimlessly telling me how bored he is. He doesn't however want to spend any time with me, nor does he know what to do, despite me making suggestions he meet his mates or do other stuff.

What worries me is that twice he has said he wants to kill himself. Once was after watching "About a boy" which does have a suicide theme in it. Once was last night after being told off for not brushing his teeth. He has also said that he has "black moments", always when he is on his own.

Dh and I have recently split up but this was going on long before. Can we assume that this is just "drama" because he was told off? Or should I be worried about it? (I am really). Should he have counselling? I wouldn't mind that but would we end up with Social Services on our doorstep? Or do we just try and keep him as occupied as possible so he doesn't have time on his hands?

I am really worried about this.

Sugar_Coated_Owl

Hi, If you are concerned why not make an appointment with your GP to discuss it.

kingfisherblue

Book an appointment to see your GP - it might be worth trying to speak to them over the phone first, so that they are aware of what you will be telling them when you go in with your son. Obviously there may be some things that you want to discuss without your son being present.

You could also speak to the school nurse.

It is possible that your son will be referred to CAMHS for an assessment. My son has depression, but is not suicidal. He was referred to CAMHS and counselling was then arranged for him. Although it started the following week, he was only allowed six weeks, as this is the policy in our area. It was last summer, around the time he was changing schools, so neither primary nor secondary were keen to pay for additional sessions, and I just couldn't afford it. He is still depressed and we have tried a few things, including a mentor at school (which helps to a small extent). He starts counselling again in September and his secondary school are paying for this. It isn't worth starting now, as there would be no counselling over the holidays. I've explained this to my son, and he understands and accepts it.

A couple of things for you to consider - first, the counsellor won't tell you what has been discussed unless it is a child protection issue (including suicidal thoughts). Your son, young though he is, has a right to privacy.

Second, it could just be a reaction to your recent situation, but it isn't worth ignoring. You need to spend some time talking to your son - reassure him that your love for him hasn't changed. Your son's feelings might have been evident before, but it could be that he picked up on the unhappy atmosphere in the home. He needs to know that he is loved and is secure. My marriage broke down several years ago when my son was 5, and it was only recently that he told me that he felt his dad had abandoned him and he was worried that his dad didn't love him any more 9even though he sees dad each week).

Third, I'm sure I have seen some research that indicated the more time spent playing on screen type games, the higher the incidence of depression. I'll try to find a link later. You might want to consider cutting down his screen time and try different activities with your son instead.

It's not an easy situation to be in - I know. You might also want support, so ask your GP if there is anything available in your area.

Good luck and take care x

Caroline_a

I would say that the film About a Boy isn't the sort of film that a 11 year old boy should be watching - or indeed should be wanting to watch! As an aside, it's got a 12 rating anyway, but the 'I'm bored' wail has come from kids since the dawn of time. I do think that the suicidal threats are probably dramatic - if you are reacting to such threats he's using them to get the reaction. How are you replying when he says such things?

I was in school with a girl who would announce that she was depressed and wanted to die. The reaction from the other kids tended to be something like 'off you go then..' She eventually stopped doing it, and admitted some years later that she was only doing it for sympathy. In my experience, people, including children, who say they are suicidal generally aren't. It's the quiet ones who are the ones who carry it through - how many times have you seen 'we had no idea'...

whitewing

If it has been going on for a while then he may have found the build up to the split more stressful than the actual split, iykwim.

Could he spend a bit more time with DH doing some physically challenging stuff? Exercise will help a lot with alleviating depression, but having a nice body will also be quite confidence-boosting for a soon-to-be teenager.

tyllwyd

I remember my sister would spend hours saying she was bored when what she wanted was for someone to suggest an activity to her so she could shoot it down. I refuse to get drawn into playing that game with my own kids!

None of us here know your son, so it is so difficult to tell if he is really depressed or just pushing your buttons. But if he has friends and does enjoy activities when he is busy, on the face of it, it doesn't sound too extreme. Maybe you could talk to his pastoral manager at school to see if they have any concerns about him?

Mojisola

Maureen43 wrote: »

His problem is that he is easily bored, has no idea how to amuse himself and verges, I think, on depression.

When doing an activity or with friends he is happy as anything. Likewise when using xbox or computer or tv - a happy boy. However when the screen time is over and he has nothing to do it is a different story.

He mooches about the house aimlessly telling me how bored he is. He doesn't however want to spend any time with me, nor does he know what to do, despite me making suggestions he meet his mates or do other stuff.

I think parents since the dawn of time will have experienced the same thing!

What worries me is that twice he has said he wants to kill himself. He has also said that he has "black moments", always when he is on his own.

This is more worrying. It may be drama but, if it's his way of telling you how bad he feels, you don't want to ignore it.

Follow up the ideas already given and I'd also recommend reading Steve Biddulph's books starting with "Raising Boys".

When I was teaching, one thing I looked out for was the "bored brights" - in my experience, they can go two ways - get depressed because their brains aren't been stretched or find very creative ways of causing trouble!

As your son is very bright, does he have ways of stretching himself? A bright 11 year will find quite a lot to interest him in the TED lectures - https://www.ted.com/talks. Just be prepared to spend a lot of time listening to the exciting new stuff he will learn about and will want to share with you!

meer53

I was in school with a girl who would announce that she was depressed and wanted to die. The reaction from the other kids tended to be something like 'off you go then..' She eventually stopped doing it, and admitted some years later that she was only doing it for sympathy. In my experience, people, including children, who say they are suicidal generally aren't. It's the quiet ones who are the ones who carry it through - how many times have you seen 'we had no idea'...[/QUOTE]

I disagree. My brother in law was depressed and said many times that he felt everyone would be better off if he wasn't around. He committed suicide by hanging himself when his children were 9 and 11.

Any talk of suicide should NEVER be brushed aside. It may be that the person will still carry out their threats, but if they have received help, that's all you can do. How would you ever live with yourself if you ignored them ?

Racheldevon

I would go to your GP as others have suggested which may lead to a CAMHS referral - you mentioned your fears around social services - this isn't a social care issue, plenty of people have CAMHS involvement without social care involvement. If the your son doesn't meet the local threshold for CAMHS support, there are other support options open, including suppoer via the CAF process (Common Assessment Framework) which someone at the school/school nurse etc will be able to initiate. The school may employ emotional wellbeing workers/counsellors who could do some 1:1 sessions with your son, or alternatively there might be a youth counselling service in your area - the school/school nurse should be able to share inforamtion about the services in your locality.

Taadaa

Awww poor little mite. All those hormones that are starting to rush around can't be helping either.

Defintely see your GP to get a referral. I was referred to a child psychologist when I was a teen. Or is there anyone apart from you and Dad whom he might feel comfortable confiding in - an uncle, perhaps? The toothbrush incident suggests he is very stressed out - it's the sort of thing that a child much younger would say if they were having a strop, not an 11 year old.

Lara44

I think other posters are right, talk of suicide and black moments should always be addressed, and visiting your GP is a good place to start.

It could also be helpful to teach him resilience, some links here and here. Sometimes it can be helpful to accept that feeling sad is okay. Hopefully these might also provide some ways to manage feelings of boredom. There's a very nice online list website called Day Zero. Here you can make lists of inspiring challenges and things to do over the next 1000 days. Maybe you could work together to set him some tasks? There's also the National Trust's 50 Things to do before you're 12 that you might be able to work on together? HTH.