communication in a relationship

snozberry

Being hypothetical, how would you feel if your long term partner opted to discuss his medical issues with his parents before you?

I know and fully accept that he is entitled to discuss anything with whomever he decides but is it ok to feel a little bit ticked off?

pawsies

I would say if it was something he could pass onto you like STI's or something that you should be the first to know (not sure who would tell their parents that though!).

Ultimately it's his choice but I'd want to know first aswell

sassyblue

Well l wouldn't be angry for the sake of it, they have known him better and for longer.....?

But it does depend on exactly what he was discussing, if it was something that could affect myself l would be annoyed BUT maybe he was getting advice from them too in that case in how to proceed??

Lots of whys and wherefores though... :cool:

scooby088

If my parents were alive I am sure I would go to them first and ask for advice, as previous poster has said the would've known me longer and know me better. But I would also go to my OH too if it was anything serious.

Now if the shoe was on the other foot I am sure my OH would go to her parents too, anyone else I would be slightly annoyed if anyone was told before me.

HeadAboveWater

Would probably depend on what the health issue actually was, but I would like to think my OH would come to me first. Although he is close to his parents too so I guess wouldn't be totally surprised if he went to them first.

peachyprice

It really would depend on what it was.

If it's something that there's a family history of I could perhaps understand him speaking to his parent first for all available info before alarming you.

If it were something particularly male I could understand him speaking with his father, indeed many women would speak to their mother first about female problems.

If it were something that had nothing to do with his family and they could offer no more support than I could, I would perhaps be miffed.

But then it also depends in their relationship with him. If they're not close it would be odd, if they are, not so odd.

snozberry

It's just got me thinking that's all. I'm not angry with him because there really is no point. Yes, I am ticked off but I am not ranting and raving.

His medical issue is potentially quite serious - just waiting for some test results but it's just making me question our communication skills.

I'm really glad that he can discuss stuff with his parents and, as this is something that I have never been able to do with mine, I am aware that I might be a tad jealous. It's just that there are somethings when I should be the first port of call. I mean, we are meant to be in a committed relationship.

Pah! Maybe I do have green eye!

Seanymph

My OH generally would discuss anything with me first (and health issues come under that) - but he doesn't necessarily involve me in things until he knows what's going on if he thinks I'll worry.

It's a stupid male 'protecting' me thing. And drives me mad.

SO

I'd be worried if he discussed a health issue with his parents not me, because I'd then know it was so severe he didn't want me to know the detail until he'd got more answers and something positive or reassuring to tell me.

Perhaps your OH was trying to do something along those lines.

System

My parents were the last people i would have discussed my medical problems with as Mom would have made a drama out of it and Dad would have worried himself sick.

Mind you, i did get my husband to tell my StepFather to tell my Mom the last time i found out i was pregnant (but that was more out of not wanting to hear the lecture that would have gone with it if i'd told her).

To be honest, if hubby has any doctors/hospital appointments i'm always with him so he wouldnt need to tell me anything cause i'd have heard it first hand.

podperson

I suppose it depends on the circumstances really. Yes, I would like OH to discuss with me first but if, for example, his parents had experience in the issue, he saw them first or he'd had more time to sit down and go through things with them (if we're having a busy week then sometimes we barely seem to have five mins to sit down together and certainly not the time to get into a serious discussion about an important issue) or he'd thought they might give a different view on things. Unless he was actually trying to keep it from me then I don't think I would be that bothered.

Pee

I think we are all a bit different and it doesn't so much reflect on your relationship with him as his with his parents.

When I left home one of my friends told me that I would miss my mum when I was ill. It wasn't in good circumstances and she meant with a cold or 'flu. I didn't miss her then and I didn't miss her a few years later when it seemed a lot more serious. That actually gave us some motivation to be closer.

Effectively my ex replaced my parents, due to the circumstances, and I would have told him anything first. (And probably only told them what I really feel they should know.)

Now my relationship with my parents is much better, although I couldn't talk to my Dad about a health issue, really, and so I would probably tell my boyfriend first because I live with him, but could imagine if I had really bad news that I would drive over to see Mum and Dad and then go home, to my boyfriend. Just because that order would make more sense. It wouldn't indicate any priority and to be honest it would be much easier to talk to my boyfriend, one of the reasons I might want to get my mum "over and done with".

My boyfriend would tell me before his mum, because they don't have the best relationship, but he does have a best friend he would be very likely to tell before me, just because I'd be working and he probably wouldn't want to ring me and would go around there. I know that his best friend is very important to him, he is a very good friend to me, too, which maybe helps, but I know that I am very important to him too and it would be silly to worry about who was most important. (If I felt his best friend was more important to him than I am, I might feel differently.)

I think you are right in the circumstances to feel a bit strange about it, mostly because you are probably a bit in shock and we can think the weirdest things at such times, so you are doing really well. I hope all goes well for both of you.