Advice needed please re ex and his behaviour

Foundation

Hi
I am a regular poster but posting under another name just in case.

I found a bruise on my daughters arm (top outside). I asked her how it happened and she said she didn't know. Eventually it came out that her dad had grabbed her arm as she wouldnt come out of a playcentre when he told her to. I asked her if it had hurt and she said yes but she didnt cry as she he would get more angry. I asked her why she didnt say anything and she said because he would get cross.

I now dont know what to do. He always had a temper in our relationship and had hurt me in the past (and several doors in the house) but I didn't think he would hurt her. I also dont know if he realised how hard he had hurt her.

If I say something to him its going to cause a whole load of trouble and he will go out his way to be difficult (again - lets just say its never a peaceful life) but on the other hand I also feel so sad that he hurt her and I wasnt around for her and dont want to let them go again. And also that she felt she souldnt tell me as was afraid to. Now i'm wondering what else may have happened that she has been too worried to tell me. I have said that she doesn't have to go and I wouldnt make her. We also havea DS (who is 2). DD is 7.

beautiful_ravens

Hm difficult, my kids said similar things when they are worried about their dad getting cross, like one of them never mentions that she needs a wee in the car as he will get cross about having to stop, then she wets herself and he gets cross anyway so she cant win, its not easy being a kid around an angry parent.

I dont know what you should do, what do you feel like you should do?? Me I would not let her go round there. I just dont think any child should suffer the worry, is it worth it just to 'spend time with her dad' when that time is spent worrying that he will get cross. You seem to know this about him aswell, and I can understand you saying something to him will make him difficult. If it was me, I ask myself what would I want if I was still a kid? To feel safe and loved and appreciated and listened to.
Maybe limit his time with her so less chances for him to get cross? Does your other child go with them when they go out?
X

Yorkie1

Without trying to belittle at all what has happened, how many of us can remember not doing as we were told and a parent having to physically move us (etc) in order to get us to obey? And yes, sometimes it hurt if we resisted.

Only you know what is likely to happened, but is the above scenario at all likely?

beautiful_ravens

^ yeah, thats true aswell. Difficult one.

amyloofoo

I can see both sides. Whilst it's always worrying and upsetting to find bruises on a child, sometimes these happen irregularly when parents physically restrain / move a child to stop them doing something dangerous. Is it more likely that your ex has deliberately harmed his child or that she was doing something inappropriate and he felt compelled to stop her physically. At the age of 7 some children would be able to understand being verbally told to stop doing something, but others would need to be physically stopped, especially if danger is imminent. As someone who bruises very easily, I can appreciate that someone might have applied a reasonable amount of force to stop a child from being in danger but could still leave a mark.

On the other hand, if you have any concerns at all that this may have been intentional, or happening regularly, or that your children are in any danger at all then you have a duty to ensure his care of the children is properly investigated and they are not allowed to be alone in his care until he has been shown to be in the clear. I can understand your dilemma, but you know him better than any of us... is it possible it was intentional or is likely to be an accident?

conradmum

If he has hurt you physically in the past he is perfectly capable of hurting his children too. I understand your reluctance to rock the boat but personally I think you'd be mad not do something about this.

Your daughter is only seven. Like all children, she's already shown she's anxious to protect daddy and feels as though what happened is her fault. If you don't react to what's happened she'll believe it's okay for daddy to hurt her.

If the worst comes to the worst and you end up reporting a more serious incident you'll look bad/be disbelieved because you haven't raised concerns earlier. You need to make it very clear that you haven't in any way colluded in abusive behaviour.

If I were you I would definitely contact an official organisation such as Social Services, the NSPCC or the police, and just explain the history and voice your concerns. Or speak to your ex about the incident with someone fairly independent and reliable present. At the very least I would tell others what you've told us on here and photograph the bruise.

As I said I completely understand your reluctance. You don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill and disrupt the relative peace you've achieved. But consider this, if your ex is a reasonable person he'll understand your alarm. If he isn't, then all the more reason to take action.

cheepskate_2

Before you go in all guns blazing, maybe you should speak to the father and not in a confrontational way first.

Your dd has already said that she did not do as she was told and had to be forcibly removed, -How many times he had to tell her, is unknown .

what would you do in that situation, , sit and wait for HER to decide to come out......

As for the bruise, sometimes this happens without it being deliberate, maybe dad doesn't even know about it.

Seanymph

If you don't listen to her fear you are still supporting his right to physically impose his will on people.

Take her to the doctor. Tell them you want it recorded - explain to her he has no right to hurt her and she has the right to feel safe and not be hurt by anyone.

How can you teach her anything else?

floss2

Does any of your daughter's anxiety stem from her being aware of any anger in your relationship with her father? Was she present when you rowed for example?

I second the suggestion to talk to him - you have already told her that she doesn't have to go to her dad's and you need to tell him why you have said this. Perhaps you can meet in the park with the children, so you are in a public place, they can spend time with him and you can both talk about the incident and get to the bottom of it.

As others have said, it may turn out to be a situation where she has stretched her dad's patience when coming out of the playcentre - as kids do. They have no real concept of time at 7 years of age, and "it's time to go" can mean at least 10 more minutes of play to a child.

splishsplash

Your daughter was manhandled and bruised by her father. It is your job to protect your daughter. If you do nothing, you are complicit in his behaviour.

If he's not fit to handle a seven year old and a two year old without resorting to physical force when things don't go his way, then why are you contemplating putting them at risk of injury again? You've said he's been violent towards you, so you know what he's like. Now that it's happened once, what happens the next time? Are you going to be ok knowing you could have protected you children but chose not to?

If you don't stand up for her, you are teaching her that his treatment of her is ok - is that what you really want to do?
You must talk to him and put him on notice that his behaviour is inexcusable, regardless of your own reluctance. You must record her bruises and tell someone what's happened. You must not allow this to happen again - once is too often.

Mrs_Imp

Gosh. According to some of these posts I should have my child taken away from me because I'm harming him. I have had to physically restrain my son on occasions, or grab his arm to stop him doing something dangerous. Sometimes this has resulted in him having a mark on his arm, or falling over and bumping himself.

The OP needs to handle this in a sensitive manner and not go in guns blazing making accusations of abuse. It is perfectly possible that the child didn't want to admit what really happened because she didn't want to make Mum cross about her bad behaviour. It is also possible that the Dad didn't realise he caused harm. It is also possible that he lost his temper.

You need to have an open and honest discussion with the Dad, maybe with someone else present to help keep things calm and non-confrontational. Get his side of the story too. And make it clear that you will not tolerate him causing any harm to the children. It would be a good idea if he told you about any bumps or knocks that occur when they're with him. That way there will be no suspicions of trying to cover things up.