Understanding, sympathy and empathy goes a far way.

bexiboo92

For the majority of us, no one is to blame but ourselves for our debt. We made the decision to take out that extra loan when we hadn't paid off the last, we chose to put that shopping trip on the credit card and couldn't pay the balance off. But the fact that we've joined this forum is saying something; we've learned our lesson and are willing to try and change. We want to change. But to be able to change you need the support of others, whether they be strangers, your friend, family or partner.

I was wary about joining this site; merely for the fact people judge on internet forums far too quickly.

I'm seeing too many "well it's your fault" type posts on here.

Takeaway_Addict

Not everyone that comes on this forum actually wants to change, when they have to make that decision between selling the Iphone or staying in debt they often go for the latter...

bexiboo92

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

Not everyone that comes on this forum actually wants to change, when they have to make that decision between selling the Iphone or staying in debt they often go for the latter...

But does that mean you think the same of every person that joins the forum?

mildredalien

It's a difficult balance between trying to give someone honest advice, telling the sometimes hard truth and trying not to hurt people's feelings. Not to mention that what would roll off one person's back could make another extremely upset. I'm sure I don't always get the balance right, it's hard to know how you are coming across over text!

For people asking for advice here I'd always say be ready to hear some opinions you don't like, but try and look at each question or comment objectively. Ask yourself 'if I was giving another person this advice would I have a point?'

For people doling out the advice it's always useful to remember that it might have taken someone a lot of courage to get up the nerve to post for advice! Accusations are unlikely to help and may prevent someone from coming back for the help they may really need. Unfortunately there are a fair few people who ask for advice but don't really want to listen to what they get back which doesn't help.

rising_from_the_ashes

I try to give advise based on my own experiences - if people don't get that spending £80 / month on Sky or £200 / month on clothes (or whatever their vice may be) despite being told the same thing by multiple posters, than that's up to them.

As for the reasons for debts - it's only important to the person so they can address these reasons to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Many people write epic sagas about this happening & that happening and, at the end of the day, it's really not important in the sense of getting advice on how to move forwards.

I've been around the forums for quite a while now & must say, I've seen very few "it's your fault" type posts (unless it's a troll)......

ky822000

I think that for the majority of people here who want to deal with debts, we realise that we could have made 'different' choices. That is what the LBM is all about, and making those different choices going forward.

It is all about recognising that whatever has brought us here - be it horrendous external events or just unintentionally living beyond our means - we can now make changes to make things better going forward.

I would never openly criticise someone asking for help, but there are people who ask for help but still can't see the obvious ways of cutting back, even when pointed out quite kindly...

tiny_courageous

You can only judge people on what they post - if people's posts are confusing, or contradictory, or they don't appear to listen to or take advice, then I can totally understand people getting frustrated and maybe not replying in quite as "fluffy" a manner as some might want. Sometimes all you want is for someone to tell you it'll work out in the end, but unless you say that people might not realise.The advice given here is given freely, and I think that even if you don't like it or feel it's harsh, it's worth saying thanks as it's food for thought if nothing else. At the end of the day, a kick up the ars* is a kick up the ars* whether or not it's decorated in hugs and rainbows.

Quassi75

I've never smoked in my life. I don't drink, I haven't been on any sort of holiday for over 4 years now. I don't live an expensive lifestyle and have been just living life day by day holding on to things. But all you need is one major thing to derail your life. This happend to me when my Mum passed away very suddenyl and unexpected. These are the sort of things which can make people go belly up so to speak.

So if people want to moan and say it's your fault, they need to understand the reason for someone needing help! As it's now always the person's fault..

Cheers

rising_from_the_ashes

Quassi I'm sorry for your loss but I'm afraid I disagree on needing to know why someone's debts have happened in order to offer advice on how to move forward.

Personally I look at someone's SOA and see where there are areas to make cuts and advise on which debts to clear first, this - for me anyway - has got absolutely nothing to do with how the debts have occurred.

Takeaway_Addict

rising_from_the_ashes wrote: »

Quassi I'm sorry for your loss but I'm afraid I disagree on needing to know why someone's debts have happened in order to offer advice on how to move forward.

Personally I look at someone's SOA and see where there are areas to make cuts and advise on which debts to clear first, this - for me anyway - has got absolutely nothing to do with how the debts have occurred.

I disagree, if the debts are created for reasons such as compuslive gambling/spending then this needs to be addressed before looking at a SOA because an SOA is just a cover to the true spending.

Learning2Budget

I think support and empathy are necessary but different people need support in different ways. Some need a shoulder to cry on and gently pointing in the right direction, because they are blinded by the situation they have gotten into. Others need a short sharp kick up the rear to boot them on their way. Its always hard to know how someone will handle the advice they are given because people don't always behave how they write. Text can be a emotionless medium and you can't hear the humousr or the thought that sometimes goes into there messages.

Don't feel judged just listen to all the advice, pick out the bits that are valid to you and move towards being debt free. L2B.x